Okay so my exposure for my relationship went well but now I feel sad and empty. It feels like I never really liked my bf and honestly I can't even remember how it felt to like him. Also my brain is giving me these scenarios where I'm cold and harsh with him, not caring about my relationship with him etc. My hocd is also attacking saying that me being like this means I'm going to be gay in the future. I literally have no interests in girls :(. I never wanted them but now it's convincing me i like my bestie. It's not very strong but persists. I'm so scared that my relationship wit him will end and I'll turn L :(

Sorry you’re dealing with this. OCD always attacks the things we care about most. I suffer with ROCD, and a few years ago had the same HOCD and “I don’t really like my partner” thoughts so I know exactly how you feel. I was madly in love with my partner and then I felt nothing. But I promise you it does get better. If you can please try to get therapy - if that’s not possible or feasible, try listening to the OCD Stories Podcast or My Anxiety Toolkit. I also follow lots of OCD therapists on Instagram as they post useful resources. For the HOCD stuff I tried to break down the thoughts I.e. “what am I scared of?” “That I’m gay and don’t know or may never be sure”, “what’s wrong with that?” “I would have to break up with my BF”, “why do I not want that? “Because I love him” - this really helped me to see the fear behind the obsession. Also I framed it “have I ever fancied a woman” “not really, I admire beautiful or attractive women but I have never been in love with one”. Eventually I just started to think “so what if I am gay, I was attracted to my BF, I love him and I have enjoyed being intimate with him - even if I do like women, I like him to - so it doesn’t matter”. I started to accept the thought - okay I might be bi and as it got less scarey I now think I am straight but either way I don’t care. I love my partner and am comfortable with him, if I like women too, that is also okay - it doesn’t change what I feel about him. I know ROCD also attacks how you feel about him, but it is very entwined with the HOCD. It literally turned my feelings off for my partner at one point, but one thing I noticed was as my OCD got worse, the less I liked/loved myself and when you don’t love yourself you can’t really love others properly / feel in love with others as you usually would. As I fought to get better, I started to be proud of myself and love myself, my feelings for my partner also returned. You deserve to be happy - fight for it ❤️❤️❤️