Hello anybody willing to listen/relate to me and my given situation, I appreciate your time and kindness! So, I've been seeing this guy for a few dates at this point. I think he is super nice and attractive to me (normally, I wouldn't let myself dream of dating anyone I found attractive-this is a big change for me). There are tons of things I like about him, anytime something comes up that I don't like he's willing to change things (like communicate more effectively), as I always try to change and become better (i say what I'm working on). I'm worried that I may really really like him and that he only kinda likes me. He did recently invite me to meet his friends, which went pretty well! We spent time together and it felt great! I'm just unsure if he likes me though... I keep worrying that he doesn't like me anymore. I don't know why... I'm wondering if I'm self-sabotaging this situation. He says he wants to take it slow, and once he said I was different and special, but I have no clue if his opinion has changed. I'm super expressive and open about exactly what I feel and think... he isn't as much and sometimes this hurts me [though, I'm not entirely sure if it should]. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm not enough and I'm belittling myself in front of him (OCD Perfectionism) and being too worried what he thinks about me. With myself doing these things, I'm absolutely petrified if I've been ruining something I super badly wish for. I'm not sure how to not obsess about my appearance and my lack of career/university situation at this time (which triggers my OCD Perfectionism). I'm also not sure how to literally HEAR what he says sometimes, like if he says something positive about me I second guess it, which must really bother him (because I accidentally put him in a defensive position). I REALLY want this to work because I think he is magical and wonderful, but the very last thing I want to do is scare him away. I'm worried that he may not like me because he is slow with progression with me, like not interested in labeling, but at the same time, he wants me to meet his parents and he gave me a absolutely heartwarming gift that he made in childhood--which this makes me feel like he may actually like me... but I am so so so scared to mess this up! I just super want this to work, but I'm worried that my lack of practice in dating (having not dated in many years and only dated people who were toxic and abusive) and he is not at all like that!!! I feel like there is probably a lot more to say, but I'm definitely unsure how to approach this and feel comfortable with the unknown, sitting with the discomfort of NOT knowing what he thinks, and not having a label to pin onto the relationship or whatever we are, as we agreed to just being exclusive, but not dating others. I guess I'm worried he is taking his time because he doesn't like me enough to move forward, if I knew he actually wants to make me his girlfriend then I think I'd feel much more at ease. But until then, I feel uneasy and nervous about literally anything I say or do. I appreciate your support, in advance!

Audree

Date posted: 5y

Can relate wholeheartedly with you in this. You are 100% deserving of a good relationship. My advice would be to stay present every single day. What can you focus on that’s happened today? It helps to not let yourself go to the past or to the future, but to be mindful to stay in the moment you’re in. It helps you to see the good and appreciate what’s going on in the exact moment your in :)

ucsancy

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your response, that is something I'm trying to work on. It really frustrates me how much I am challenged by this practice. When I do it, I feel great! I'm logically completely in agreement with the message and practice...however somehow my OCD manipulates me out of it somehow. Have you ever been unknowingly sidetracked by OCD and found yourself doing a compulsive act (for me it's picking or bitting my lips, or rumination, or researching my concern for many hours) instead of being mindful?

Audree

Date posted: 5y

@ucsancy Yes, it’s so hard to stay focused. I know exactly what you mean. I always say, in my “most clear mind”, I am present and logical and in alignment with the current reality. But often times I get sidetracked without even realizing it and before I know it I’m in the past or future. Practice is what will be the best help. My therapist told me to keep a hair tie on my wrist and gently snap it against me to help remind me to stay present when I start to trail off. Maybe that would help? As far as your relationship, I’m proud of you for entering into a partnership and allowing yourself to be in a place of fear in order to experience something that we all deserve - love and connection with another human :)

ucsancy

Date posted: 5y

@Audree Hey Audree, thank you for your support. It honestly helped me a lot during those moments of compulsion! I appreciate you and the time you took to write to me, thank you!

ucsancy

Date posted: 5y

Thank you Audree for your kindness and support! I will try that and see if that helps! I just think a relationship is like super new to me, well a non toxic one is, and I struggle with him not wanting to be committed at this point (even though rational side of me completely gets it), that's when I start to feel rejected I guess... you know... i think the literal sense of rejection is upsetting to me (which it ought not be to this level, like it shouldn't hurt as much as it does.. but it really hurts). Thinking about it... I have rarely been rejected from anything most of my life until a lot of new traumas happened for me about 5 years ago and I was suddenly being rejected left and right from jobs, universities, people, myself... all of it. It made me feel lost and out of control and exceptionally worthless. I recognize, logically, that rejection is normal and part of life and I ought not fear it and dare not to feel embarrassed or sad - so I avoid things in order not to explore that sense of rejection or anything relating to that feeling.... humm... I wish I could dial back my panic disorder so I can calm my OCD and stop avoiding natural parts of living with other people in a society which includes rejection. It realllllllllyyyyy upsets me that I let these normal things get to me so badly and so strongly. I just keep fearing I've freaked him out and accidentally done wrong with him causing emotional distance or something... I hate so much that I do this. I also feel so frustrated that I'm not done acting this way, I began trying to date again because I thought I was far enough along in my practice to do so. I'm anxious that I'm unknowingly lying to myself and then it sends me down a confusing loop of reoccurring thoughts. Ugh.

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