I now have this obsession with getting closure from traumatic situations in my life and I always think I need to message or find people who have hurt me from years ago. I did it for a sexual assault that happened to me in London and it didn’t do anything because I was blocked with no answer. And some people probably won’t respond nicely and it would make my “closure” much worse. I get filled with rage and it consumes me. I always think exposing myself back to the situation and tackling it head on is gonna make me feel better. But once I tackle one thing I’ll just obsess about another. Unfortunately I’ve been wronged or taken advantage of more than I would like. Is this OCD just wanting reassurance or just my pride wanting the last word to reestablish some power back into my life? Why do I feel weak and afraid if I just forgive people and move on with my life?

It’s hard because of the pain I feel from trauma in my life. One example of this is my cousin suggested I try a sugar daddy site a few years back. I was in such a low place mentally and drowning in debt so I didn’t take proper precaution on the site and rushed to get started. I was lied to and tricked, by men saying it’s not like prostitution it’s like dating and they will be my mentor and give me an allowance. I talked to a guy for a month and he had me added on social media. When I met him at the bar with 2 friends for the first time, my friends thought he was nice and felt comfortable leaving me alone with him. He used me the next two nights and lured me into the bar basement to give him oral sex (he was a regular at the bar so I guess the bartenders let him bring girls into the basement). He ghosted me after that and then months later readded me on Instagram. He says “remember me? You really enjoyed sucking my d***.” When I confronted him about his lies he said “You drive a Benz. Why would I pay you? Bye hoe.” And then he blocked me. I googled him later and realised he is already a criminal. He was a broker who defrauded investors hundred of thousands of dollars. So now I developed an ocd over the past and my shame because I was grossed out by this guy and was in a desperate situation. Oral sex the way I did it was just humiliating and degrading, and I was raised in a home where premarital sex is frowned upon. My OCD these days is checking porn sites because I say “what if I was secretly recorded?” And then I worry he could ruin my reputation because he knows my real name. I have agoraphobia in my city and afraid of showing my face anywhere. I reported him to the police and they said it’s not assault because I consented, but now they have the report in case someone else reports him. I am just full of anger and can’t fathom people like this. I feel violated and humiliated. 3 years later I still can’t get over this.

@Anxiousgirl The trauma is important to address in addition to the OCD. Finding closure isn't how to address trauma though. Have you looked into trauma specific therapy? The best evidence is for Prolonged Exposure or Cognitive Processing Therapy. EMDR has a growing body of evidence to support it as well

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I am currently in therapy on the BetterHelp app with a therapist who has experience in PTSD with veterans. She was also a psych professor. I had an OCD specialist for 12 years but she is so expensive and I currently do not have insurance. I think the therapy She’s trying with me now is called CPT (not CBT). I think I’m struggling so much because I am not on medication and I’m isolated from this pandemic.

@Anxiousgirl Yes, CPT is cognitive processing therapy.i believe it involves identifying stuck points? If that's the case and you're familiar with the term, what stuck points do you see in your initial post

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes! It’s all about stuck points. I guess in my initial post a stuck point would be “I can’t move on without closure.” Or “I can’t be happy without reassurance” ? I’m not the best at this.

@Anxiousgirl Those sound like stuck points to me (though li don't know a ton about it). What is the next step after you identify a stuck point?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I think of something else I can say to myself next time when the same thought comes up. So I can say something like “I will never get full closure” and “closure is not necessary to overcome trauma”