The following text will be a bit stronh.... I'll talk about certain things that are sexual. Please proceed with caution. (tw sex and mastutb-) (23, F) I'm so sorry for talking about this here but I am losing my mind... I saw a law and order episode and I was disgusted.... It was about r-pe. I hate that show. It makes overly exaggerated stories in my opinion My pocd started because I started masturb- (which happened by accident but the details are meaningless). And my former therapist agreed with me. I don't think Ive ever had disgusting (non consensual) fantasies but I've had a few that ashame me greatly. The man on the show filmed himself while masturb- and I felt like a monster... I never did that but this word "masturb" is a huge trigger for me. I was never addicted to it because it never consumed my life. I only had urges to do it if I was at home, bored (at least I hope I have false memories about this.) but I sometimes over did it (4 times in a day) because masturb for me was always unsatisfying... Im still a virgin, but I also believe that it will be unsatisfying too, since I have poor libido. (which is something good for me) Since I started masturb- my brain made me feel like a pervert and I started thinking about sex more and that's why I have false memories about touching a child inappropriately... I hate myself so much... I should kill myself. Masturb- was my biggest mistake. Most of the times I tried to quit only to get strong urges from my body asking for it weeks later. One year ago, I successfully stopped. It was hard but I did it... However lately I have been having stronger urges to do it again and it has been poisoning my dreams. I'm so close to cut down there to stop it. I used to do it a few months ago. I'll restart it if I need to

kaylin84

Date posted: 5y

Please stay safe. I'm going through something similar. I guess for me it's best to turn it into a good thing. I recently lost my virginity and I have to say it was better than I thought it was gonna be. There's hope I promise. I also think occupying my time with other things like hanging out with friends helps. Stay in public as often as possible to keep from it. (Also to make things less awkward I'm also female so you know I'm not being weird or smthn)

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

I'm glad your experience went well. After my pocd, I won't ever lose my virginity. I want to throw up for ever masturb-. I'm so ashamed of myself

kaylin84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory Nothing to be ashamed about. Most everyone does it. It's a normal part of life

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@kaylin84 I know but I personally feel like I have became a pervert or a monster..

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

"I'm so close to cut down there to stop it" You cut yourself? Did I read that correctly?

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I only ask because I'm concerned about you.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Yes, I do cut myself a lot. All over my body.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory I can't remember, do you currently have a therapist? Did you share this detail with your previous one? This is an extremely unhealthy relationship to have with your body.

kaylin84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory As someone who's struggled with sib I know it's tough to stop but it's very unsafe. Pls tell someone about this and get help

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 I used to have a therapist and I did share this story with her but she didn't care much. I'm really afraid I'm some pervert or a monster. I feel so ill thinking about it. I feel so ill remembering some of the fantasies I used to have just to masturb -. I'm such a disgusting person

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@kaylin84 I've told people. They don't care. (what does sib mean? I'm so sorry)

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory I'm sorry you had an uncaring therapist. You deserve help as much as anyone. I don't know all the details of your thoughts and that's fine. But nothing you could share would make me think you're a disgusting person. You're a human being who's reaching out for help.

myocdstory

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Thank you and I'm so sorry for worrying you.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@myocdstory No need to apologize ☺. We're here for you.

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