HELP! I just saw about four videos on my cup claiming that everyone watching is gay and it’s made me anxious because I’m scared as it’s called the “for you page.” It makes me so distressed. Is this telling me something? I hope that it isn’t because it makes me so uncomfortable.

Thank you. HOCD is horrible. I’ve completely lost my identity now. Before I knew who I was and who I wanted to become; I was like a completed puzzle. Now I feel like someone’s smashed my puzzle, I’m scrambling to find the pieces and when I finally start to refabricate the picture, it seems to change and I don’t know what it’s going to be anymore. My heart says one thing while my mind says another. I get false memories, mental images, intrusive thoughts TELLING me that I am (not just ones that say “what if”) and I constantly feel uncomfortable. When I start to get better things like this happen and it makes my mind spiral out of control. Sometimes I get headaches that last several hours/days and I can’t get to sleep until my eyes are too heavy and I have no choice (which is usually around 4 in the morning). I can’t watch television or scroll through TikTok normally anymore. I’m constantly over analyzing every thought and what it could possibly mean. At this point, I’m starting to believe my thoughts and it’s horrifying me.

@StraightButScared Yes. I know the feeling. I had HOCD when I was a teenager. I made myself barf in a urinal once at school I got so scared about being gay. I really truly believed I was. I still get inklings if it from time to time but I phased out of that and it’s no longer a topic my OCD latches onto. Now it seems silly and eventually one day it will to you too if you can get good at ERP. I also had/still have harm (specifically self-harm) OCD. It flares up every 3/4 years whenever I go through a major life transition. It can go 0-100. I get wigged out that I might become super depressed and commit suicide. Naturally, that’s pretty distressing to think about. I get negative emotions from those thoughts and so the OCD feeds itself. Sometimes it’s really scary and believable. It sounds like what you’re going through now is one of those spells where it’s super believable and scary. Some days mindfulness etc isn’t enough because it’s just so loud. Are you trying to do exposures with it? I’ve found that times like this where it’s really intense are the best time to try them. I really didn’t improve that much until I actually tried to believe my exposures and live in the uncertainty. When I started out it was reading scripts like “I might kill myself, I might commit suicide, I might be depressed etc.” but in the back of my head the whole time I was still thinking *but you won’t really* *but that’s super unlikely* and kept a distance from that fear. I made the most progress by actually trying to accept that super scary thought. It feels weird to do the first few times and really revolting but afterwards you’ll start to think about it less and magically one day you will stop caring about it so much that it’s all consuming. Be kind to yourself when needed but try to lean into the uncertainty! You got this!

@gglittle Thank you for your lengthy response. I’m just wondering: does it ever feel real to you? Also, do you ever feel the need to admit these thoughts and say that they’re true?