??? hi @holley. Let's talk here rn. Hope you see this :D

Hii!!

I'm so glad you found it. Sorry I took a while, I was getting some stuff sorted. Anyways I've been very stressed with my hocd. It's been telling me that i am gay secretly. Like literally when I entered the relationship with my s/o I had no doubts that I was straight. It felt natural and I felt the same as him and it felt so good but now I feel like I forced myself to be with him :(

@sanzida? SAME HEREEEE

@holley Oof sis :(. So how did your hocd start?

@sanzida? i’m gonna copy and paste my story it’s long as helllll .. It’s just been quite stressful to say the least. So i guess i have had HOCD for about a year now. Before then, i had always loved boys but i guess i should give you a little bit of a back story because it kind of dates way back to 5th grade. I was homeschooled from 5th grade until 10th grade. I was also in a ballet company with just girls. I was also in a ballet company with just girls since i was little so even when i was in elementary for those 4 years i was still around girls when i took ballet classes. when I was really little, I always remember being super obsessed with boys and never with girls. I do remember one time I was five and I did make out with this one girl and I remember, well I really can’t remember, but I think I did feel bad about doing that. I’ve also masturbated in front of my best friend before we both done it together but that was when i was like 12. Anyway, so even when I was homeschooled, I was always obsessed with boys. I would always search up stuff on the Internet about boys and fantasize about boys a lot. I think when I was about 12 or 13 one day I searched up girls kissing and I think I became somewhat addicted to that and throughout the years it kind of transformed into a lesbian porn addiction. I just remember feeling really bad watching those videos and such. Well, when I was in 11th grade, which was in August of last year I went to high school which was the first school that I’ve ever been to in five years. But something before I went to school happened. So in January of last year there was this girl in my ballet company and she had just gotten in the company that I was in and I remember her and I remember how annoyed I was by her a lot of the time. I was a year older than her anyways so I ignored her. So I remember one day we had Thanksgiving break And at the time we started to like talk as friends, and I remember when I was talking to her I got these weird butterflies in my stomach which I had only felt when I talk to boys so I was very confused. So I kept searching up stuff about my sexuality and came across HOCD. I was very confused to be honest. I couldn’t tell if I liked her or not. The thoughts kept telling me that I did and I honestly really did care about her a lot more than my other friends but she played mind games with me and she also do this with another girl that I had no idea about until I figured out what she was doing. She was using me to lean on and I was very unstable and I don’t think she realized that I couldn’t handle that. She had a very wrecked home life. And I was just certain that I was going to be the person that could save her. So I remember December 2 years ago so andso I remember December 2 years ago so 2018, The thoughts were telling me to just tell her that I liked her and I guess I really felt that I did and so I just remember being super confused and not sure about it and kind of crying about it I guess just super confused I just jumped into it. I had never been in a relationship, at the time I was homeschooled, and I was 16 and only interaction with boys I had was looking at them on a computer screen when I was homeschooled. The thoughts were telling me to just tell her that I liked her and I guess I really felt that I did and so I just remember being super confused and not sure about it and kind of crying about it I guess just super confused I just jumped into it. I had never been in a relationship, at the time I was homeschooled, and I was 16 and only interaction with boys I had was looking at them on a computer screen when I was homeschooled. shortly after I told her I guess I felt relieved. About a month after that I came out as bisexual to my parents and that night I told them I was screaming and crying and cussing at my mom because I think I was really upset at the fact that all my life I had imagined being with the boys and being pregnant and having kids and having a family so all of a sudden thinking I like this girl and thinking I’m in love with her really took a toll on me and all my anger just came out. All the anger, all the sadness just flowed out of me and I was at an all time low in my life that I have never reached ever in my life it was very confusing and hard and I had no idea what was going on. I just blamed the anger on my mom In fact it was actually my fault that all of this was happening. So anyways over the summer last year that ended and I remember I cried for one day because I wasn’t able to talk to her and that was it I kind of moved on and so then comes the high school experience. I kind of was just thrown into that too. So after summer of being in a mental hospital and suffering with severe depression I was thrown into the high school setting with thousands of other kids and so that was something that I was thrown into and affected me quite a lot. I don’t wanna jump into much detail about the other two relationships before my now boyfriend but I did the two other guys before my boyfriend that I’m dating now and I remember when I went to school I was questioning my sexuality still even after ariana and I was still addicted to lesbian porn at the time. I didn’t really date or want to date any girls at my school I never really had a crush on any at my school it was only guys. So then I guess by the time November came in December I was just like I’m not gonna leave my sexuality because I keep switching between being straight, bisexual, pansexual, or just gay. I don’t wanna jump into much detail about the other two relationships before my now boyfriend but I did date to other guys before my boyfriend that I’m dating now and I remember when I went to school I was questioning my sexuality still even after ariana and I was still addicted to lesbian porn at the time. I didn’t really date or want to date any girls at my school I never really had a crush on any at my school it was only guys. So then I guess by the time November came in December I was just like I’m not gonna leave my sexuality because I keep switching between being straight, bisexual, pansexual, or just gay.It wasn’t a very obsessive thing after i ended things with that girl it was just an on and off thing i would question. So then I met my boyfriend in January and in January I just kissed this girl for fun and I remember the relapse kind of started back then but I really wasn’t thinking too much of it the intrusive thoughts weren’t bothering me that much. So I met my boyfriend in January, I started dating him February 27. The first two months was like a fairytale and it was kind of a honeymoon phase so to speak and it was just magical I was struggling with a little bit of relationship.lSo then I met my boyfriend in January and in January I just kissed this girl for fun and I remember the relapse kind of started back then but I really wasn’t thinking too much of it the intrusive thoughts weren’t bothering me that much. So I met my boyfriend in January, I started dating him February 27. The first two months was like a fairytale and it was kind of a honeymoon phase so to speak and it was just magical I was struggling with a little bit of relationship I ocd. then all of a sudden I was masturbating one day this was after my boyfriend got me to stop watching lesbian porn, this image of this girl popped into my mind that I knew she was my friends at the time and so it really freaked me out and I kinda over thought that and then that’s when it just started. so I really don’t think about her anymore at all and that doesn’t bother me but shortly after that intrusive thought about her came then came the intrusive thought about me being gay, first started out with me needing to tell my boyfriend that I was in love with her, then it was for me to come out to my boyfriend break up with him. Now it’s the obsession that I just feel gay and I keep analyzing in my head certain lesbian scenes that I’ve memorized and every time I think of them my heart drops and I just feel anxiety, I honestly think this is OCD because it’s an every day all day thing every second of the day obsession.

@holley Holy shit sis :(. That's damn hard!!! I'm so so sorry for you :(

@sanzida? it’s okay!! i’m trying hard .

@holley I'm so glad you're trying your best!!!

@sanzida? thank you! that’s all we can do you know? how are you??? also tell me your story!!

@holley Aww you're welcome and I'm not doing that okay but I'm okay

@holley Okay so my story started when I was 12 and I started to watch lesbian porn and I grew an addiction to it. I liked watching it only to masturbate. Outside of masturbating normally I never liked anything lesbian. I always avoided anything lesbian on TVs and movies since they made me uncomfy. The whole concept of girls liking girls is weird to me. I was afraid I was a lesbian since I watched Les porn and that's when I started to do small compulsions. I would get nervous around my female cousins and friends cause I felt like I was secretly gay but the fear was mild. A few months later I thought I was biromantic though I knew I have no feelings whatsoever for girls. At one point I was very scared I was losing attraction to men and I would listen and look at men to get attracted to them. In august, I had this really bad influenza attack and I watched a movie and it had a explicit lesbian sex scene in it and immediately my brain said "would you do that too?" And I got so scared I thought I had turned gay. I literally started to panic and cry and o the same day I told my mum that I felt like I was gay (basically I "came out" of anxiety). She told me it chat be since I've always liked guys but I wasnt a lesbian. I stated crying more because I felt like all that was a lie. I couldn't stop crying for about a week. I started to compulse and ask for reassurance and I did lots of stuff to get better. Then I found out about hocd and it's self therapy and I've been doing that since then. I overcame it like twice or thrice but I'm relapsing again. I'm currently 14 and I recently got a bf (15) and now I'm scared I'm gay secretly and I'll have to leave him :(

@sanzida? oh no!!!!! omg that’s kind of similar to my story in a way. for me, boys just hit different and they always have. i feel like that i am straight and i woke up believing i was bi and no anxiety came with that thought. i feel calmer today tho. are you on any meds currently?

@holley Nope. I take meds but it's for my physical health. And honestly boys hit so different like omgg....ahh they are beautiful honestly. And I felt like I was gay when I woke up in the morning and I felt this restless feeling in my head but no anxiety like ughh

@sanzida? SAME I FEEL THE EXACT SAME

@holley omg sis I need help!!! I feel like im forcing myself to like my bf and that i actually don't like him and that I love him only cause it's rooted subconsciously in me. As a kid I had such a strong desire to date guys but now I feel so gay after hocd. Like that attraction has sent away for me and I'm so sad. What if I'm doing all of this subconsciously and I don't really like my bf?

@sanzida? love isn’t a subconscious thing. it’s an action!! hardly a feeling. you love your bf!!!

@holley Hopefully I do. I love him so much like literally I want him no matter what!!!

@sanzida? me toooooo i cant leave my boyfriend. do you want my number or something so we could talk???

@holley Oh no !! I'm betting you1reiving in the US right? I live in India so the call wouldn't happen anyway I'm sorry

@sanzida? it might work! i’m not sure tho. how are you??

@holley I'm doing fine but I'm anxious that I'm gay. I compulsed and read that adult sexuality is determined during your middle childhood and early adolescence and now it's bugging me. I'm about to complete my early adolescence stage and I feel like I've become gay :(. In middle childhood I was obsessed with guys and always wanted to get their attention. I can't exactly remember but I think that's what happened. Thank you so much for asking me. How are you doing?

@sanzida? not too great but good i guess? i just woke up from a dream :/

@holley Yikes I'm so sorry :(

@sanzida? i just feel so disconnected from my boyfriend :(

@holley Me too :(. I'm so sad

@sanzida? but like at the same time i know i love him which is the weirdest thing

@holley Exactly yk?? Omg I want him but at the same time I don't. My hocd makes me feel like I dont have feelings for him but then I fantasize about him

@sanzida? i cant even fantasize about him sexually because all that is in my mind is girls and i have no idea what to do.

@holley and the thing is is that it gets me off!! which makes me upset

@holley SAME SIS OMG. i don't get off to girls anymore but I don't have sexual attraction to my bf. I feel like my feelings are all false and I'm forcing myself to be in love with my bf :((

@sanzida? i don’t watch lesbian porn anymore but i’m scared like inknow i would get off to it which means that i prefer like watching that like idkkkkkkkk

@holley I used to watch it and that's the thing that scares me so much. Like ik now that I would NEVER get off to it if I was given a chance but why did j ever watch it!? I'm so sad and angry for what I've done to myself. My OCD on me was brought on by me :(

@sanzida? omg same. i feel like i would get off to it thooooooo.

@holley Yikesss :(. I used to feel that but then I realized I find it hella disgusting now

@sanzida? i cant even watch two girls kiss anymoreeeee without feeling hella anxious

@holley Samee!! I find it so disgusting when anything romantic happens between girls. Even before hocd I found it disgusting but weirdly when I was horny and I would watch Les porn i wouldn't find it weird. :( I'm so scared I'm lesbian :(

@sanzida? i never thought of lesbian couples as weird, i just was like lmao couldn’t be me but when i watched it i like enjoyed it, and when i stopped watching it it was hard to let go of i love my boyfriend ughhhhhh. what does it feel like for you when you like “feel gay” like for instance, certain moments of the day i’m like omg i’m gay but like it gets to a certain point of ruminating where i get like oh shit if i lose my boyfriend i would be so sad and get like scared but like it’s almost like i have to try to not FEEL lesbian???

@holley Yeah I feel that too but just the difference is I felt uncomfy looking at lesbian things outsude of porn. I still feel so wierd with anything lesbian and anyone lesbian near me. I feel like I'm trying to not turn of maybe I'm expressing and I'm so scared :(

@sanzida? i get that! i watched a lesbian wedding scene and teared up, i didn’t want to see that. i don’t even know anymore

@holley If I were you I would have just stopped the whole video and cried because that not what I want. I feel so uncomfy with anything lesbian, like I have always been uncomfy since I was a kid but my brain says I like it and that I'd do it. I'm scared I'm attracted to girls and that I'd date them. I never thought of kissing or having sex with them but I feel like I'll like it more than guys :(