⛔️ HOCD and loss of identity ⛔️ I’ve completely lost my identity now. Before I knew who I was and who I wanted to become; I was like a completed puzzle. Now I feel like someone’s smashed my puzzle, I’m scrambling to find the pieces and when I finally start to refabricate the picture, it seems to change and I don’t know what it’s going to be anymore. I’m starting to believe my thoughts. In fact, I often get confirmation thoughts that say “you are ___.” Despite the fact that these thoughts cause excruciating headaches that can last hours - days, a sense of disgust and uneasiness and little crying episodes I feel lost. Recently I’ve had intrusive thoughts asking me whether I’ve come out yet. I’ve also seen several TikTok posts jokingly saying that you’re gay if you watch. All of these things have made me believe that I am yet I don’t want it; I don’t want to touch them or be involved with them romantically or physically. In fact, I find it repulsive. Yet my mind tells me it’s denial and the disgust is what accompanies the denial I’m feeling. It’s so distressing to me. Please help. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know who I want to be but my mind and my heart are fighting with each other. A little bit of guidance would be nice.

Thank you; I’ve been doing ERP too but this was my major backdoor spike. I was doing really well. I even developed a crush on an American guy yet I got an intrusive thought about coming out and it spiraled out of control because it was so intense and it felt so real that I needed some relief so that I could combat the overwhelming amount of anxiety I was facing; normally I would supress my fear but I couldn’t that day. :(

@StraightButScared It feels completely real, which is what fucks us up. I think we just need to keep doing the work :) I was at the department store the other day and was 100% convinced I was attracted to another guy. It felt so real. And maybe it was ? that’s the attitude we have to have. I don’t want it, don’t want to do it, but we have to tell our brains we don’t give a shit! I think that’s what the hierarchies are for. I’ve been watching and reading all kinds of stuff from the gay community and I never think to myself, this sounds like me. I am learning though that they are all exactly like us and we shouldn’t fear being like them. That way the fear lessens and OCD’s grip gets weaker.

@TheBigCahuna I guess that you have a point. Thank you so much. :)

@TheBigCahuna Are you doing self guided erp? Or are you working w a therapist?

@letsbeatocd Self guided

@TheBigCahuna How are you doing it?

@letsbeatocd YouTube videos, mostly. Love stories, coming out stories, reading gay threads on reddit.