Does anyone else who struggles with POCD find that they get intrusive thoughts about their partner? Like I keep having thoughts that I’m only attracted to him because he is smaller, has small legs and tiny lips so that he’s the closest thing I can have to a younger person/minor. Like we’ve been together for years and years and he’s also dated other people and I don’t think this has ever come up with anyone but me so why am I constantly thinking about it? I haven’t been able to be intimate with him for weeks now :( it’s really putting a strain on our relationship.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful message. I’ve been so afraid of sharing these thoughts and seeing what people thought and how to get better or accept that I’m a monster. I get really fixated on his lips and how small they are and that they are no different from a young person’s, and his legs. I forgot that I wrote that above but I guess that’s just reassurance seeking, but the thought is such a fire in my brain needing an answer right now or else I’m doomed and-or I need to accept it. Sorry this was just supposed to be a message thanking you. This really makes me feel seen and understood. I have an appointment set up with a NOCD specialist on the 13th but I’m nervous because they are Christian and I’m gay and I don’t know how they’ll react to me. but I don’t really have any other options, and also the 13th is just so far away. Sorry again, just a lot going on in my head. Hard to focus or do anything else. Again, thank you thank you thank you. I’ll try to follow with your suggestions and be more open and intimate with him.

@spiffy I’m so glad you have an appointment! I totally understand your fears going in, and I hope and would expect them to be professional regardless of your sexual orientation. It seems like lips are a big trigger for you right now, so just keep in mind going into intimacy with your partner: You’re probably going to have intrusive thoughts about his lips. Expect that and be okay with that. And be intimate anyways. When thoughts pop up about them just check off that bingo card. When you show your OCD that it can think whatever it wants to but that ultimately you’re in charge and in control, it will help your obsessions lose power over time. Good luck with everything! And remember to give yourself some MUCH needed self compassion here: you are not a monster, you’re a person struggling who needs help, love, and understanding. Stop being so mean to yourself! You don’t deserve that.

Always remember: The monster is your OCD — not you.

@pureolife I’m having urges of wanting to show people pictures of my partner and see if people think the same about him that I do. His lips are just smaller than any other person I’ve ever seen, like inhumanly small. I find myself checking and looking at everyone’s lips to see how large they are and I mean like everyone it’s constant. Which this seems like a compulsion? I keep looking at pictures of him and his ex-boyfriend and other guys he’s been with to reassure myself I m not the only person who has dated him. Also thinking like if I broke up with him I still have to live with the fact that I did date someone like this and I feel like my life is over. But these thoughts have no meaning right? These are just compulsions and my OCD is warping them? Sorry I’m kind of spiraling. Losing my mind a bit. I really feel like the things I’m worried about are real concerns that I have and need answered. It like hurts how much I need an answer to the lips question which seems so silly. Also calms me down to write it out.

@spiffy You want to seek reassurance from others; that is definitely a compulsion. A really common one. So is the repetitive comparisons you’re talking about. When you’re not sure if something is a compulsion, ask yourself: what’s the goal? If the goal of this is to find certainty, neutralize the thoughts, reassure yourself that the thoughts aren’t real, or anything that is aimed at eliminating anxiety/distress you are convinced you can’t possibly accept: its a compulsion. Your obsessions have centered around your partners appearance and appeal in general. You want to be 100% sure no aspect of him is appealing to you because of any associations with children. And the scrutiny you’re putting every thought/feeling under is creating more uncertainty than certainty. This is OCD in action. The cycle is very clear to me as someone who also has OCD and has been through treatment. And it will get clearer to you as you start to resist compulsions and recover. Your OCD specialist is going to help you see all of these things clearly so you can start spotting them happening in real time. The meaning of these thoughts is that you have OCD. And me telling you that right now will likely make you feel momentarily better, but eventually you’ll start questioning that again. And that’s because that’s how compulsions work. They provide a temporary relief that ultimately creates fuel for the obsession to grow stronger. Stop seeking reassurance. Do not ask anyone what they think of his appearance. I know this will be hard. But each time you get the urge to do this you need to remind yourself: “this is not actually helping me, it’s hurting me. It’s a temporary relief that hurts me in the long run.” Have you ever done ERP before? I think there are a lot of good exercises you could do for this particular trigger. And you should definitely tell your therapist you want to work on it specifically.

@pureolife Thanks again for such a wonderful message — I’m not sure what mental state I would be in without them. I haven’t done ERP therapy and I don’t really know anything about how to do it or what it entails, so if you do have an exercise I would like to give it a try. Anything to try and get my life back in order. It really is debilitating and ruining my life at the moment. I can’t even look at him without experiencing anxiety or starting to have a panic attack. It really feels like my life is starting to end.

@spiffy Since you’re new to ERP and about to see a Specialist, I think it’s best to wait and have them walk you through how to do these exercises. It’s also important to create a proper hierarchy with them so you’re tackling the right types of triggers in the right order. In regards to what to do in the meantime though: practice accepting the thoughts. By that I don’t mean you have to accept them as true or right, but just accepting that you’re having them and allowing them to be there without responding. When you look at your partner and they start coming up, try to not look away. Instead tell yourself, “I’m having the thoughts about his lips right now. I’m accepting that I’m having these thoughts and feelings and im choosing not to engage in figuring out what they mean or if they’re right.” While you do this: breath. Anytime the thoughts pop up again just label them as “thinking” and return your attention to your partner and the conversation or activity you’re doing. This is mindfulness and it can help you get through these tough moments. At first, doing this will feel harder than doing your usual compulsions, but with some practice it actually gets much much easier.

@pureolife Also: if you’ve never listened to the podcast The OCD Stories, you should try an episode or two. you can find a bunch of people who have your theme talking about their experiences. And that could help you feel less alone in this moment.

@pureolife I’m just never sure how long this cycle needs to go because like I can breathe though it but then it just flares up like before. Even when I have peace with this theme my brain goes back to my original trauma of growing up very religious and thinking I’m a monster and then always hearing that gay people are pedophiles and are going to abuse children and then believing that about myself and really never coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a sexual deviant in some way. It started with HIV fears and I would always obsess about whether I had it and a couple years ago I went on a spree where for months on end I would buy countless HIV tests and do one like every other day, sometimes multiple in a day. I can’t tell when the OCD started, or even if this all OCD? Maybe I am genuinely worried about being a monstrous deviant. Then when that went away I’m where I am now with groinal checking and mental reviewing around anyone who looks young and checking the ages of all the actors in movies I watch to make sure they’re over 18. Now I’m stuck on my partner but when that for the briefest moment goes away my brain immedialty goes back to those old thoughts and I feel trapped no matter what I do. I really think getting on some medication would help but my partner is skeptical and I don’t really know how to begin to find a psychiatrist near me. Sorry I think I’m treating you like a therapist right now :( it’s just so nice to hear a voice that is talking sense to me and that isn’t the voice in my head. I’m looking through the podcast now and trying to find some good episodes. I think I have a couple that I will listen to. Not sure if you know any thay are directly related to my themes? There are a lot to look through and I’ll keep looking.

@pureolife I’m also struggling with intrusive thoughts about a hook-up that I had ages ago with a guy that said on a dating app he was 20 and had an internship and had his own apartment but I keep thinking “what if he was lying and he was underage and that proves you’re a monster”

@spiffy This one is huge for me and I just can’t get past it. And afraid of sharing any of these thoughts with the Christian therapists that are my only options through this app

@spiffy I’ll do my best to reply to each of your points. It sounds like OCD has effected many things you care about in your life. And everything you’ve described here is very logical given your core theme. Once you start treatment, you’ll learn to deal with OCD in all of its forms, including how it manifests in your relationship, in how you think about your past, in your self esteem, etc. Treating the OCD will not only help alleviate anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but it will also positively impact all of these areas of your life. In regards to you therapist: I understand your hesitations with seeing a Christian therapist, and I’d actually encourage you to be very upfront with them about those feelings and ask them to address your concerns directly. As a professional, if they don’t feel they are a good fit for you they can/will recommend you to someone else. But if they do feel they can help, they will say so and explain why. There’s no reason you have to speak with someone who you don’t feel safe speaking to. Give them a chance to let you know if they feel qualified to create that space for you. In the meantime: Practice allowing these thoughts and breathing through them without engaging in them, fighting them, disproving them, or analyzing them. Just let them be and accept that they are there. They will continue to pop up, of course. This is an ongoing skill you’ll need to practice and hone. But do this each time and it will get easier. Once you can start ERP, you’ll acquire new tools for dealing with these thoughts and you will start to see noticeable progress. While you will need to focus on treating the OCD first, it sounds like you could benefit from some different kinds of therapy later on. Once OCD feels more manageable for you, you may want to see a regular therapist who works with LGBT communities so you can address some of the underlying shame you’re carrying around about being gay. Being gay is beautiful. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve to feel pride and to celebrate who you are. Healing from your childhood trauma will take time of course. But that’s okay. Each of us is on a healing journey of some kind. And it will be a continual practice our whole lives. I think treating your OCD will actually do a lot to help you start healing in this area. But additional work could really help you get to that place of strength, groundedness, and pride I can see you want to be in.

You hit the nail on the head: you’re asking for reassurance! I didn’t address it directly because that’s all that I can provide in this case and that’s harmful to recovery. All I can say is: you’re going to need to learn to treat that event like you do all of your other OCD triggers. And you’re going to learn to do that in a healthy way in therapy. I often write long replies to the people I think need it the most. I was in your shoes and treatment really did help me. I know it can do the same for you.

@pureolife PS I didn’t get treatment until a few years ago and I was 30 then. You’re never too far gone.

@pureolife Thanks again for this. It’s good to know I’m not alone in waiting so long to get help. I’ve not been doing well with compulsions today at all when I went outside for the first time since quarantine. Constantly assessing my attraction to every single guy I see and trying to guess their age and check my groinal responses to every young person I see and still just having little panic attack with my partner’s lips. It’s been so long I’ve been doing this compulsions (if that’s what they are?) that I can’t even think to not do them — they’re purely automatic at this point and it scares me I can’t retrain my brain to not do those things.

@spiffy You can retrain your brain. Brains are actually great at adapting when we stimulate them with the right treatment.

@pureolife I hope so. Is it okay if I occasionally message you on this about my journey with all of this?

@spiffy You can always reply here and I’m happy to reply when I see it.

@pureolife Having my first session with my therapist here in an hour or so. Very very nervous. I asked about the Christian stuff and he said it’s all fine and good. I’ve just been dying for some sort of help over the past couple weeks and now that it’s here I’m so afraid of it. Mainly I guess the stuff I’m gonna be asked to do and just telling yet another person about my horrible thoughts. Just writing my feelings out. It’s gonna be fine. Wish me luck!

@spiffy The anticipation is much worse than actually doing the session, I promise. Afterwards, you’re going to feel a huge relief. Getting help can be scary! And it’s okay to be nervous. Be honest with your therapist about your thoughts and anxieties and they will work with you to go at a pace that’s right for you. Good luck!!!

@pureolife It was so good!!! I’m feeling so much more safe and ready to handle this. I’m trying not to get too excited about all this because I don’t want to like jinx myself but I’m so glad I did this. I really have hope that things are gonna get better. Someone just straight up telling me I have OCD is also so good to hear. Textbook case, worked with people like me before. He’s super chill and didn’t make me feel crazy at all. Again, thanks for helping me keep my head above water. Really ready to go on this journey.

@spiffy Congrats!! I knew you’d feel better once you actually got in there. It’s okay to be a little excited right now! This healing journey is important and it’s good to celebrate little wins. It will keep you going along the way.

@pureolife Had a really bad day struggling to get out of bed and had some triggering things happen last night and the only thing pushing me to do things with my day was my therapy session later on but I got the times mixed up and missed it :( It was about 20 minutes into the session when I checked the app and saw his messages. Feel like an idiot :( I’m finally getting help and squandering it like this.

@spiffy Mistakes happen! And you can get back on track next session. For today: what if you just gave yourself a break? You’re an imperfect human like the rest of us. Maybe today is just a wash. That’s okay! Accept that today you feel anxious and triggered and tired. That is a perfectly normal and expected way to feel sometimes when you have OCD. It would be impossible not to. Can you accept and allow that for yourself without judging yourself or putting yourself down? Also: What can you do to make today easier? Can you watch a funny movie? Order your favorite take out or comfort food? Go to bed early? For me, I often feel better just cleaning up my house and going to bed knowing all the dishes are done, the trash is out, and I’m in fresh sheets. It makes me feel more in control when life feels out of control. If you had any homework from your therapist, keep doing it as best you can until your next appointment. Shit happens. I’ve missed sessions or had them cancelled when I really needed them. It’s hard but it will get better.

How do you deal with it? I’m really struggling with it

@soup Okay :(

Even small exposures can feel super intense at first — especially coming from a place where you previously had no idea how to deal with all of this. Be patient, be kind with yourself, and keep talking with your therapist. It sounds like you’re making a lot of positive changes right now and I look forward to you continuing to grow and heal.

@pureolife Hi it’s me again — I’m in a weird spot :( My first three weeks of the program are over and my therapist is a chill dude and helps me work through stuff but now that all of that is over and the program goes down to 30 minutes once I week I feel super lost and like I’ve been thrown out of the nest. He’s never given me homework to do and I don’t really have tools to do and practice ERP on my own — maybe I do, and maybe I’m just underestimating myself. My insurance hasn’t kicked in to pay this back so I’m afraid I’ve wasted my money. My obsessions that got so bad I was jolted into all this still haven’t gone down. I guess I just don’t know what the program was like — I’ve never made a hierarchy with my therapist, never wrote a script etc. maybe I’m just being impatient but only 30 minutes a week doesn’t feel like getting help :(

@spiffy Is this an OCD specialist? Have you done ERP together in session? Definitely talk to him about these feelings! He should be giving you homework to do. And then you should be able to discuss it the following session. That way you can ask questions and be sure you’re doing it right. It doesn’t sound like this is an OCD specialist. While there are plenty of therapists who can help you learn mindfulness and how to challenge cognitive distortions and manage anxiety better, the ERP aspect is crucial for OCD and generally only used (correctly) by specialists. It’s definitely time to have a talk. Bring up all of these concerns. Meeting 30 min a week would be fine if you had a clear hierarchy and were well versed in tackling your weekly assignment of exposures. And maybe he can recommend you to someone more specialized if he doesn’t feel qualified to use these techniques. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right care. It’s not necessarily a waste of money if it’s been helping you sort through feelings and feel more supported. But if your obsessions aren’t getting any more manageable, that’s a problem. I know this must be incredibly frustrating. You’re not alone in this experience mental health care. But better care is out there.

@pureolife I just re read some of you previous messages and I believe this is in fact a specialist you found through this app, correct? And it sounds like you were struggling to find exposures together at first that you could handle. So I’m wondering if the lack of homework was because you two decided together that you weren’t ready to do exposures on your own? If that’s the case, it may just be time to re-evaluate how you do treatment with him. A conversation about your concerns will go a long way. If you’ve been doing exposures together, then you do know how to do ERP, and it may just be time to try it on your own (with his guidance, of course.)

Wait for your therapist to reply. I agree that you probably need a lot more sessions. When I finally saw a specialist, I worked with them weekly for an hour a week for about 6 months. I had weekly homework assignments. And did ERP on my own almost daily. I know switching is scary but remember how scared you were last time? And you ended up really liking your therapist. I think there are many exposure exercises that could help you with your two biggest obsessions, but your therapist should be the one guiding you through since they are the professional and available to monitor your progress closely. Plus the trickiest part of ERP isn’t doing exposures it’s resisting compulsions (like reassurance seeking and avoidance.) with the right help though these become much easier to understand and do correctly on your own. Medication can take weeks to months to fully ramp up, so be patient with yourself. It helps many people. An ERP workbook may be helpful. And maybe you could even use it in sessions with your therapist to help guide you. Hang in there! I know it’s tough but you’ve got this. You’re in a very typical struggle with ocd and it does get better.

I’m no therapist, but I have built my own hierarchy and practiced a lot of ERP both on my own and with an OCD Specialist. If you’re open to it, I can share how I’d structure an ERP exercise for this and you can choose to try it or not. First: Are there other people (aside from your partner) that trigger you in this way? Like actors, friends, exs, models, etc? Compile a list of people. You can make separate lists for each quality (ie one list for small lips, one for small body frames, etc). Then: assemble a photo album (can be a digital folder or you could print them and staple it together) of images of people with these qualities (again, you can make separate ones for each quality, e.g., thin lips, small bodies, etc). Now for the exercise: your task is to flip through each photo of one of these albums looking at these features closely. Spend about 5-10 min doing this. Take your time. Really soak in each photo before turning to the next. During this, you WILL get intrusive thoughts, and that’s okay! In fact, that’s the point. We want to bring these thoughts on on purpose. That’s the “exposure” part of ERP. The second part is “response prevention,” which means when you get these thoughts, it time to practice not reacting with the compulsions you normally would (in your case: seeking reassurance, avoiding looking at the photos, mentally or physically checking yourself for a physical/emotional response, trying to “figure out” what these thoughts, feelings, and urges “mean”, etc.) you have to resist doing any of this both during and after the exercise. Just let the thoughts come up when they do and leave when they’re ready. Let the anxiety be there and dissipate on its own. Practice this twice a day: once in the morning and once at night. After you’re done, write down how anxious you got in a notebook on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest. The first few days you do this, it might be really hard and your anxiety score might be really high! That’s okay. Usually you start to see a noticeable difference after a week or so. You can do one photo album at a time (you don’t need to do all of them every day. That’s too much.) so if you decide to go with lips first, just do the lips album each day. Leave the rest for future exercises. We can even create a mini hierarchy here: list out all of the features of your bf that trigger you. Then order them from least to most triggering. Start with the feature at the bottom of the list first. That’s your first photo album. After a week or so, see how you’re feeling. Is the anxiety to that exercise about half as bad as it was at the start? That means it’s time to move up the list to the next feature. I hope this helps. It’s totally up to you if you follow this. But it’s at least a good instruction example of how ERP should be done.

@pureolife Wow that’s incredible — I’ve never done anything like this. This structure is incredible too. I really can’t think of any other people with these qualities — I think just my partner, and that’s part of the problem for me. Like, I don’t know how I can be okay with being with him again or find a way to be okay with ever finding him attractive. Phew that’s a lot. Sorry just feeling a lot of feelings. So the album would be literal pictures? And I would just look at these parts of his body and just sit with the anxiety. How long would the second part go on for? Just until the anxiety is gone? This is a skill set I wish I had — that I could just make this stuff and work with it and face my fears. This is so wonderful though and I’m going to start doing this tonight. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m gonna take this little bit of hope and try to run with it

@spiffy There are definitely people with thin lips and small frames out there. I’d encourage you to search! If not: I’m sure you have lots of pictures of your bf. You could assemble them just of him. I’d go with pictures. Something that is solid and repeatable. Doing ERP on the fly with a real life trigger is harder and you’re still new. Look at the album. Let the thoughts come. Get anxious. Let it be. Until the anxiety is gone. NO compulsions. Let me know how it goes. If it’s terrible: that’s okay! Write down what didn’t work and then let me know. I’ll see if I can help. And obviously: also tell your therapist.

@pureolife I had to go camping with my partner this weekend and I got real side-tracked with all this in doing it in a systematic way. So like I just kind of had to do it all live and try to be alive and exist and it was so hard. But I eventually started rolling my eyes at the OCD and getting past the lips stuff for a bit but then was like having actual panic attacks about the hook-up that I had and losing it. It was hell, and I started getting flashes of like “if this is true I’m going to kill myself.” It was so bad :( I’m back home and chilled out a bit now and I’m going to give this my best try now. The problem is I don’t think I’ll be able to find people with lips like my partner’s — when at rest they’re like the size of two quarters — just like the size of a child’s and it fucks me up. Like it never did this before and he’s been with other people — wait this is reassurance I think moving on My question for now is what do I do when the theme or thing I’m doing an exposure for is just taken over by something else (I guess OCD just jumps on whatever else it can in the moment) it really takes the winds out of my sails and eats me alive. Also I have no idea how to do a hierarchy for the hook-up one, which is the one that lends me to get a little suicidal in my thinking (I don’t know how bad this is? Like I don’t think I am but it feels like a safe way out). My therapist did message me back but he gave me a hierarchy I like less than yours — he also told me to just go online with it but that might just make it worse because I don’t know if I’ll find people with lips like my partner’s :( Sorry it’s a lot. Just going through so much right now. I hope the medicine kicks in soon and let’s me see this is all just silly or something

@spiffy I think you know that there are plenty to small lipped people in the world. You can absolutely find others with this quality. But if this never spikes your anxiety when it’s in other people and only does with your bf, then use your bf. I’m sure you have plenty of pictures of him. Follow the same instructions otherwise. Using digital pictures would be best as would taking time to do this while you’re alone. While I think “on the fly” erp can work, it’s clear you are still very confused about how to do erp at all and it would be way better to simplify things and start small. Also: we can’t tackle every fear and trigger at once. I’m sorry hooking up is causing you a lot of anxiety. For now, start with these visual triggers. Work on those. You can only take one step at a time.

@pureolife Phew this is super super hard. The thoughts get really bad and it feels like my brain is on fire and only barely goes down over time. I even feel sick sometimes and want to throw up and it feels like my life is over. I eventually just have to give in and think about something else or distract myself to stay at a more manageable level. My therapist messaged and said he will see what he can do about more sessions. Part of me is afraid none of this is going to work but I just have to keep pushing. The hard thing is all this is just sapping my energy to care or wake up in the morning. I just sleep all the time. Just wanted to check in and say I’m trying and doing what I can. I just wish I could imagine what it would be like on the other side past the obsessions but it seems so far.

@pureolife Also I’m finally on some medication — currently Prozac and taking 40mg. I’ve been really super sleepy lately so I imagine it’s the medication. I can’t tell what’s it’s doing to my thoughts but it has to be doing something because of how groggy I feel all the time

@spiffy My brain feels like it’s burning when I do ERP too. It’s like a searing sensation. And it’s okay if it only goes down a little bit at first! It will start going down more and more as you keep practicing. Sounds like you’re doing it right. It’s also okay to take a deep breath and then go distract yourself with some new activity after ERP if it’s really too intense. Just be sure you’re trying to stay in it as long as you can first. And you’re not doing any other compulsions. I know this is scary right now but I’m actually very optimistic for you if you’re finally doing ERP on your own and getting more sessions. Also, please do sleep more during this time! One of the most crucial lifestyle changes I had to make was getting more sleep. On days where my ERP was really hard id sleep like 10 hours. It’s like my brain needed more time to recover at night. Don’t judge this as a bad thing! This is an act of self care. And it’s crucial to recovery. Meds take awhile to ramp up and the initial weeks can make you sleepy or irritable or even a little more anxious. Usually those go away after awhile though and then you start to notice a difference. Keep it up! I know this is a lot to deal with but you’re doing an awesome job.

If your therapist thinks you’re making progress, you probably are. But progress with OCD feels pretty crappy for awhile. Every time you figure out how to deal with one thing, it’s time to face the next. And that can be overwhelming. But progress is happening. Even if each step feels as scary as the last. It takes time to get easier. I want to emphasize that you’re still in the beginning stages of recovery and it’s okay to feel far from the finish line. You are! But you’re way closer than you were a few weeks ago. One thing that tends to happen in OCD is that if one obsession gets less anxiety producing because of effective ERP treatment, our OCD can start focusing on other obsessions more. If his lips aren’t provoking you as much, your OCD is now looking for different content (which is why the hookup obsession got stronger.) I was told to think of it like this: your OCD is on the run. It’s feeling powerless so it’s trying to desperately search for new things to scare you. Just be aware of this when it happens and remind yourself that that’s what it is. “Oh yeah: my other obsession has been subsiding lately. It makes sense my ocd is getting desperate and clinging to this obsession more.” As distressing as this is, it’s actually a good sign. I trust your therapist when he says there’s progress. They don’t say that if there isn’t. And I can see that you’ve progressed just in the way you’re able to talk about and understand your ocd now compared to before. I know it’s hard, but be patient and don’t compare your journey to someone without ocd. Compare your journey to where you were before. And be proud of every step forward. Ask your new therapy what their experiences is with OCD and specifically with pure o themes. If they don’t have a satisfactory answer that makes you feel that they are capable of informed treatment, don’t waste your time.

@pureolife Also: GAD is common with OCD. Both are in the anxiety disorder spectrum. So they’re separate diagnosis but actually related and often intertwined. OCD specialists should be able to work with both.

@pureolife Wow oh wow things were really good for a while — I just slowly kind of snapped out of it and like the thoughts were there but I wasn’t panicking as much about them and felt like I was eventually going to get back to normal. On 60mg of Prozac now. But now I’m getting hit with recalling a time I got blackout drunk at a bar and remember grabbing a dude’s chest and rubbing it as I walked by him and he looked at me like “who are you wtf are you doing” and then I kissed some other guy I think and I think I’ve sexually assaulted some guy I think and I’m a bad person and need to be in jail or on some list somewhere. Yikes yikes yikes. It feels like I finally found the memory or evidence that proves I’m a bad person. Sorry I just wanted to say thanks for before and talking to me every now and again. I really was getting somewhere I think and now I think I’m finally at the bottom again.

@pureolife I keep just going back and forth from “this really isn’t a big deal chill” to “this is a catastrophe and everything is ruined”

@spiffy What’s happening is that you ARE making progress which is why your ocd had to go looking for some new piece of evidence it could use to scare you because the old stuff wasn’t working anymore. I know this is scary, but it’s actually a good sign! And you’re going to be able to learn to tolerate this distress and these questions the same ways you just did with the other intrusive thoughts. As hard as it is: just sit with these intrusions and let them be there. Don’t try to recall every detail to figure out exactly what happened or try review it in some new light or try to disprove it or try to wish it away — ie stop doing compulsions! Just sit with the feeling without engaging any further. Accept it “I am having doubts about these previous actions,” and go no further. Let the anxiety and distress pass when it’s ready.

@pureolife Phew yeah you’re right. Trying really hard not to engage with it and just live my life as I was. Gosh this really came out of nowhere and hit me hard. I was doing better on the meds and the thoughts really felt like, farther away and easier to to brush off. I panic messaged my therapist a bunch and worried about what he will think but I think I just have to sit with that anxiety as well. I wish I could just go back to the old thoughts. Never thought I would say that. Also I don’t think they’ve gone away they’re just.... less.

@spiffy Your therapist will have had plenty of patients do the same. I wouldn’t worry about any judgment. They of all people understand your struggle.

@pureolife He hasn’t messaged back all day and it’s making the panic a lot worse. Thinking that he thinks I’ve done something really wrong. Trying to just sit with it though.

@spiffy Sit with it! One day is nothing. And as an ocd specialist, it may even be better to have a wait policy for responding. You can do this!

@pureolife Hi again Pureolife. I just wanted to say thank you and check in again. I had a really really good weekend where I thought I was over it all but then came crashing down hard again on Monday out of nowhere really. Today I had my last session with my NOCD therapist and now we are going on the support model which is 30 minutes every other week with texting. My therapist has said that my exposures generally just need to be me going out and living life and being the best I can be with the thoughts, because they’re so all-consuming and constant for me that I’m practically always in an exposure. Just finding that really hard to do, as I think some hardcore depression has set in. There is an email support group for pure O people that has been going on for ages and I want to send an email telling them all my fears. I want to tell them that I worry and obsess over a hook-up I had on a dating app where someone said they were like 20 or something and maybe they lied and they were actually underage and I did this horrible crime without knowing it. Or about my partner and his small frame and his small lips and how that makes me a pedophile in some way. But like... if I send all that in an email to the group I’m just asking for reassurance right? Like I know this is OCD — well, I think, but I’ve had two different people diagnose me with it. Any news story about Epstein or Maxwell sets me off on obsessions and ruminating or any story even just about rape or sexual harassment. Anything sexual I just feel like I’m a deviant in that sense much like how being gay makes me deviant (which I know this isn’t true but like I believe it in an irrational way I think) I guess I’m also panicking in that I thought I would be better by now or have answers to some of these questions. I still feel like I was day 1 sometimes and I’m just tired and exhausted. I’m taking 60mg of Prozac but I can’t really tell if it’s helping anymore. I don’t know if I should try a different SSRI or see if they can supplement it with something else. Sorry, I really wish one day I would just message you that everything is going okay and have a little celebration. My last session with my therapist was just making a plan to get up before 10 every day and eat breakfast and schedule a daily 5 minute rumination/exposure session and then move on and don’t engage with the obsessions. I guess I’m just feeling alone in all this and no one understands exactly what I’m struggling through. I’m worried about my partner because he’s been so good trying to help me out but I’m such a drag and all of this is putting a strain on our relationship. I think that’s all. Your messages have been as helpful as my therapist’s. Sorry for such a long message. I hope you are doing okay.

@spiffy It sounds like your therapist has a great understanding of your ocd and what’s best for you. I think some targeted scripting around the hook up and your boyfriends body could be a really good addition though. Perhaps they can help you draft some scripts and give them a try for erp? I know progress feels slow. But you are in no way at day 1 anymore. I can tell just in your ability to beautifully articulate how your ocd works, where exactly in the process you’re struggling, and what symptoms you’d like to improve. You couldn’t do any of that day 1. You were just a ball of confused anxiety. And you couldnt do any exposures. Rather than detailing your individual obsessions and intrusive thoughts to the email group, how about talking instead about your difficulties with exposures, maintaining a relationship under such stress, and figuring out medication. Those are topics you could reasonably share and get advice on without seeking reassurance that would feed your ocd obsessions. On meds: SSRIs will never be able to fix everything. They mostly just take the edge off so we feel a little more capable of doing the work we need to. But we still have to do the work. Just because you’re not 100% better by now doesn’t mean they aren’t working. Keep up with your therapist and try to recognize the progress you have made because it is there. And there is space to have some celebration about that, even if you also still feel bad quite often. You’re doing great and recovery is always slower than we want it to be. Keep it up! And don’t forget to supplement less therapy with some additional readings. https://ocdla.com/ocdreadings reading can make sure you stay focused on recovery and don’t fall back into old habits.