I keep getting intrusive thoughts about admitting I’m in denial and coming out. It’s plaguing my mind and I’ve got this crazy feeling that my future self is asking me all of these questions because I keep experiencing deja vu. I don’t know whether I’m being irrational but my mind is making me believe that my future self is visiting my present self and asking me whether I’ve accepted myself. It’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety because I hate all of these intrusive thoughts yet they seem so real and I’m starting to believe them. I don’t want to be but my mind keeps giving me this verbal messages as if my future self is confronting my present self. It’s daunting and horrifying. I’d do anything for it to go away. Absolutely anything.

Unfortunately, even trying to give the OCD what it wants and going "ok I'm gay/a pedophile/trans/evil/impure/a zoophile/not in love with my partner etc" doesn't work or bring any relief, because your thoughts still instinctively fight back and resist letting it dictate who you are, so you just end up more stressed about why the hell you tried to accept it and whether it makes it more valid. OCD is a total bully. All we can do is try to thrive in the grey area of not knowing and finding a way to live with not knowing, and it's so difficult. And unfair! Other people don't have total certainty either in the way we crave, but they don't have to live their lives not being even allowed to really think about their fears or imagine their path in life in case they get sucked into so much suffering. And they don't live with so much awareness of just how extremely out of our control the world is. From dealing with OCD I've learned that even though doing mental compulsions like imagining and analysing and ruminating is a habit and takes a lot of effort to kick, it IS possible to do. It just requires being ok with being really uncomfortable ignoring something that feels important, until the theme goes away again by itself. The one thing that really works for me is mindfulness, even though that's corny and seems insufficient. If I can notice that I'm tense and thinking too much or that I'm very anxious and have the urges to overthink, then I can choose not to and I just focus on how my body feels instead. I say to myself that letting this horrible wired feeling happen isn't the same as agreeing with it, it's just something I have to do, and then I kind of actually lean INTO it. The physical feeling I mean, which actually helps distract me from the fear that came with it. Eventually I either get distracted because it goes down enough, or I feel it for so long that it goes away and I feel totally calm again. It can take up to an hour but it feels REALLY good once it's gone and I feel calmer for the rest of the day. When I try to fight my OCD with thoughts, I just feel worse, but when I focus on physical feelings instead, it's a bit like hacking the system. It doesn't get rid of the question but it DOES make it seem less urgent, threatening and all consuming. I know it's really hard to live your life when you have a question or fear looming over you, it can feel pointless or dangerous to just do normal life as if nothing is wrong, but ultimately we just have to do it even though we feel in danger. Making my OCD focus go onto how I physically feel makes me feel a lot less in danger, more often, so I get more out of my life even though it isn't perfect. If everything is going to be awful in the future, or some aspect of my life is going to be ruined, there's nothing I can really do about it, so I try to remember all the other things in my life which are worth being grateful for, which have nothing to do with my themes. For example I know even if I was a zoophile, my family would love and care about me. Even if I'm judged or hated or I can't have my ideal future, I do still have a future and there's plenty I can get out of it anyway. Keep your chin up!