I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.

I’m having a hard time living with this guilt I feel like everyone can pick up on my change in demeanor I can’t focus on anything and it breaks my heart because I feel like my baby can feel my anxiety

If we keep thinking the disturbing thought is the problem, we can never recover. We must go beyond the thought, and realize ocd is using an intense emotion or sensation (guilt, disgust, pain, panic, etc) to keep us captive in the ocd cycle. But we can learn to sit with the anxiety, to realize we can handle it, and that an emotion, no matter how painful, is just an emotion. That is what helped me recover, we are all with you and beside you in this journey. E.r.p, (watching cases on pedophiles, etc) and staying with our debilitating anxiety, learning we can handle what our ocd has been scaring us with, and accepting uncertainty, is the only way to recovery, and it is possible to all people.

Every single bit of this is me. Except it’s harm with my daughter and even others around me. I’m with you and I hear you ❤️ you’re not going insane, you’re just scared. Try breathing through these thoughts-deep long breathing esp. when you’re doing things with her that trigger you

But never stop doing them, it only makes it worse

Hello ☺! As impossible as it may sound "Maybe I touched her inappropriately, maybe I didn't" is your best bet to move forward.

I feel like I somehow wanted to touch her there in that area and I did, with that maneuver. It all happened so quick I tried to just do it and not argue in my mind about my motive behind it. But now all I can do is over analyze the entire thing and I don’t even know what’s real from imagined anymore because I have ruminated for so long. I guess what it comes down to is, I didn’t touch her inappropriately, and that’s all that matters. But in my mind I told myself the reason why I chose to maneuver her that way was because I wanted to act out my intrusive thought. When I know that isn’t true!

I’m at the point where I’m doubting that it is even ocd where I feel like i just flipped and finally crossed the line. When I know i didn’t actually sexually abuse anyone, technically, I feel like I did because I did something I would’ve normally avoided, due to my ocd

Has anyone experienced that? Where not giving into a compulsion lead to extreme guilt?

I feel like I need to go run into the nearest police station and turn myself in

Freemeofocd. I don't know if you will see this but we are so similar. But is there any way we can talk? I don't think you can send messages on here. Our stories are so similar. And I don't mean we have to give reassurance but to relate and connect. It is hard finding someone who relates so much.