Long post. Idk if anyones even gonna read this, but I just need to let this out there somewhere besides my friend’s inbox who has heard the same problems over and over again. Ive had OCD for almost 3 years now. At first, my obsessions were mostly POCD. That was my main problem, and it persisted for most of these three years in varying intensities. I still struggle with it, but it’s gotten better. However, over the past two-ish months, i have a kinda new set of obsessions - Sexuality and gender OCD at the same time. I have known for nearly a decade that i am a trans man (meaning i was designated a girl at birth and have been transitioning to a man). This whole time, my whole life, all i can ever remember, is that I have been exclusively attracted to men, too. I have always found girls aesthetically pleasing, a lot of my favorite characters are girls, but have never felt attraction to them. I have questioned myself about this before, but not really in an OCD way even since I have been diagnosed with OCD. That changed two months ago, when suddenly i started questioning both if i secretly like girls AND if I have been lost this whole time and id actually be more comfortable as a girl. Its so distressing to think about, all day every day like when I first got diagnosed. Joy has vanished from my life. I cant feel attraction anymore besides from what feels like false attraction. I question myself every time when i see someone of either sex if i’m attracted to them or if i want to be them. I miss finding my boyfriend attractive. I scrutinize every feature in people to try to answer these questions. It fills me with anxiety and dread to even think of relationships now. I feel like i’m living a lie and i dont even know it. The groinal responses are constant. If i feel just a tiny bit of attraction to a man, i feel like i’m lying. If i think a girl is pretty, i feel like my ocd is right then too. I just dont know what to do anymore. My only source of income is doing commission paintings, of which all have been of romantic couples. Its so hard to work now because i pause drawing to question myself if im attracted to who im drawing, if i want to be the men im drawing, if i find it “cute and romantic and heartwarming” enough. I havent felt this hopeless in a long time. Im scared to pay for therapy when i finally have the money to because what if theres nothing wrong with me after all, or im too far gone to help, and its just a waste of time and money? I dont know who i am anymore.