I find myself doing things to face my fears, like for example kissing my daughter, holding her, being very physical with her. But I am overcome with doubts and second guesses about my motives behind those affectionate gestures and the feelings they provoke. They provoke feeling in me and it’s not sexual arousal but it is a good feeling. I feel then bad for kissing her or whatever the physical touch may be. But I do them anyways as a form of not giving into the compulsion of avoiding physical contact. But then I start to feel guilty for having an emotion, and start doubting what emotion triggered me to be affectionate and physical with her...I’ll do things like be extra affectionate to try and stand up to my ocd but it ends up making it worse because I feel guilty and gross for kissing on my daughter. Like last night I was experimenting with being super affectionate and not letting my ocd get in the way of being affectionate. I ended up kissing her on her cheek and neck and nibbled on her chin, in a very affectionate, playful way. I did it in front of everyone and it happened really fast. And immediately I was worried I did it out of an intrusive, sexual feeling I was having. I am now ruminating in the action. Why did I nibble her chin? It’s the same as when people kiss babies feet right? Is that sexual abuse? Why would I put her chin in my mouth? What was my motive behind that action? Am I sexual deviant who can’t control her actions? Not seeking reassurance just wondering if anyone can relate.... I keep replaying the event in my mind and it gets worse and worse with each replay.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 5y

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Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

You’re right. Thank you.

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

Like if I did do it out of an intrusive feeling of arousal I was having toward her...that certainly makes me a pedophile right? If I don’t give in to the compulsion of avoidance, by not avoiding these physical encounters and not acting out on them, it makes me feel worse somehow like my natural actions are bad. Not that nibbling on a babies chin is sexual abuse...or is it? What constitutes sexual abuse or misconduct? Isn’t it the meaning and the feeling and the intent behind the action itself? That’s what drives me crazy. Someone could hold someone by the waist, or kiss them on the lips, or hold their hand...and it’s only sexual if they feel it is sexual...so would if you have what you *think* is an a intrusive sexual feeling behind the action you carry out that isn’t typical a sexual gesture? Does that make sense? That’s my internal dilemma..like kissing a baby, or nibbling on her chin, kissing her toes-those are not sexual things by textbook. But if it gives you some type of satisfaction or gratification...isn’t it? I can’t stop analyzing the motive behind my actions.

Dianaaa

Date posted: 5y

I had groinal reactions to my sister. I thought I was an incestuous lesbian for 3 years. I know the feeling, it is debilitating. But you are currently being enslaved by ocd bc u don't want to face an emotion or sensation. And what you can do to stop the ocd is to not do compulsions, and face the high anxiety and intense emotion in its rawest form. That, in of itself, will prove you can handle any and all emotions without getting rid of them. Exposure and not doing compulsions is the only. Only. Way you can find relief. reassurance wears off, compulsions begin to not work. We need to face the emotion behind our fears head on, and even though its tough, the freedom on the other side is worth the pain.

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