(Intro) Hey guys just some questions. Im new to this app. I been dealing with HOCD the third month of lockdown. I had intrusive thoughts of losing my mind, back to back panic/anxiety attacks etc. Im 22 i never had this problem at all nor did i question my sexuality. At a young age before during and after puberty i always wanted women, sexually and emotionally attracted to women... so why all of sudden i been having intrusive thoughts at 22 during the pandemic like that? (My STORY) you can skip this... and go to questions Never did drugs during highschool until around late 21 to 22, is when I smoked weed and drank alcohol. Was never addicted but forsure with weed I always became analytical of everything. Extremely paranoid couldn't even handle it. There was a time I was high with my cousin and I was scared and paranoid that i really had to force control myself from screaming for help to my parents. My reality was absolutely distorted I really didn't know what the hell was goin on. I could not control my visions/thoughts. I probably smoked about 20 to 30 times total... never really had good experiences with it. I was always trying to "dig deep" with myself see what's wrong with me or what went wrong at that time didn't really have intrusive thoughts. It was a mess theres more details but the point of this is... my conclusion is that most likely weed made me more anxious and question a lot especially the last time I smoked with my best friend.. we always made gay jokes but more so he did. Everything I say something, my friend would turn it into a gay joke so it never bothered me at all but when I was high and he said something "you snitched on yourself" i really questioned... does my friend think im gay? Before this my friend and I had some problems like some elephant in the room( not related to intrusive thoughts or ocd) I always had a problem with his sarcasm and usually I take it personal and i told him many times but i felt like i wasnt heard so i stopped bringing it up... but I always pissed about that .So there is tension and I felt he knew that there is a problem in the air and it was probably all in my head because I know my friend is a real friend and I'm grateful for him.. but when I was high with him and he brought up 13 reasons why and how this character was gay the whole time and he said..." it's crazy to think who someone really is when no one is around" made me think that he indicating something about me. Then when I was high again and he made gay jokes and all of sudden he says, " you snitched on yourself" it really threw me off and obviously I was under influence I questioned myself rapidly. (Background of story) before this ^^^ That is my bestfriend, i never had any problems or any thoughts always been close always hanging out... we worked together, I noticed he pulled a lot of girls. I remember in highschool we both pulled a lot of girls together we were that dynamic duo. But after highschool it seemed one sided and all the girls were giving him attention and i felt inferior and ugly... even girls were like disrespecting me or talking to me like a joke some did like me but still. I became kinda jealous. My friend always reject my ideas or always correct me, or always seem like he's always right and I'm wrong. I respect him a lot and I learn a lot from him but damn do I have some value myself? He is sarcastic too. Anyways i have a girlfriend as well.. i was extremely jealous and absolutely it was probably ROCD but not like most people. I would always check to see if she's looking at guys or check her phone to see anything suspicious, argue about her past and always observing her for the wrong. This died down after years, we always argued and fought about the same thing over and over to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I love her but it was always upsetting whenever I had good news she was always pessimistic about it, which made me not say much to her, we definitely different... so around last year another girl came around she was 4 years older than me and I thought she was really cute she smokes a lot as well we ended up smoking. I became really high like never before and I felt massive amounts of guilt because I shouldn't be here with this girl because I have a girlfriend. Then I call my bestfriend to pick me up from her( i don't care if it was embarrassing I needed to get out) so he comes and I was high and it looked like he was flirting with this girl I like and I started to get jealous and I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING OUTLOUD and I had to shutup because I was high. This girl honestly I liked her but it was wrong because I'm already dating but at the same time I was scared I might lose her to my friend.. which is obviously stupid. That's where that tension came from between my friend and I. There are more details but man I started getting HOCD and ruminating and I told him about it but I regret it because he took it the wrong way and our friendship has changed. My questions? How do I know if I have ROCD? Checking to see if my girl looking at guys, laughing at other jokes, seeking reassurance, checking her phone always? Has anyone recovered from HOCD ? Why does it feel real but when clearly it isnt ?