My OCD's proof that I'm just a het/bi in denial that currently nags me; 1. I wanted to touch a guy's hair once or twice (two different ones) because it looked cool even though I found out later that they were both wigs 2. I once found a man typically good looking that had the features I usually do not like seeing 3. (This one has been killing me for months despite the EPR) I remember that when I saw that guy, my mind went to the mode of testing which is to see my reaction to of me having sex with him and i feel like I sorta was okay with it even though I remember I didn't want to be or something? And I also remember texting a friend and told her that I was distressed that I find him attractive but I sort of enjoyed it which literally has never happened before, and I sort of wanted him which feels SO WRONG to say and I HATE IT but maybe it was attraction... even though I can't find the texts even though I'm sure I didnt delete them. 4. I actually thought to myself about kissing him as well and I felt like I sort of wanted it because I was so affection deprived but also a lesbian wouldn't kiss a guy even if she was dead affection deprived so...means I'm not gay 5. There are other female bisexuals who have stated that they're attracted to men that could never be with them and they hate that they're attracted to men and would hate everything about it, which means that even though I could absolutely under any circumstance be with a man doesn't erase the possibility that I could be bi which FEELS wrong and it's stupid and irrational if I ever did like that man and ugh... 6. I love the guy. I could never have a life with him. I could never actually have sex with him. I don't want to be attracted to men. I don't hate them. It just doesn't feel like me. I want to cry. He's still good looking to me. I still love him. But am I attracted????????? I have no idea. OCD says yes just admit you're one of those bisexual women who hate that they're into men and therefore identify as lesbians, intuition says maybe, mind says I don't want to be, and just...fuck my life.

I know that even if I'm bisexual I do not have to ever date men, but it just doesn't feel right. It never did, I identified as bisexual briefly before but stopped because it didn't feel right. I do not think I could ever actually enjoy or even want sex with a man (even though I just remembered that I did and I have no idea if it's real but likely is) or I do not think I have the capacity to ever fall in love with a guy. Like, i forced myself to like guys before and nothing came out of it. I have no reasons to be against men, and I am not, it's just the way things are. I am repulsed by their bodies, I don't like how they feel, and the sheer idea of being with a man sounds traumatizing. Also bisexual implies that even if I'm not now, I was or could be ever open to being with a man or feel like I have the capacity to be okay with being with a man which I'm absolutely not either way, even if our relationship was perfect and he was himself perfect.

@ｆｅｎｎａ sure! thank you for the detailed response. so i think you have a few things going into play here. the first being acceptance. it seems you believe you are not able to, or at the very least find it difficult, to accept yourself under the condition of being bisexual. this does NOT make you bigoted in any sort or form, and this does NOT make your fear trivial. you’re allowed to have this fear. getting that out of the way, do other people around you live in consistent fear of being bisexual? i don’t knoe about you, but the people around me don’t fear being bisexual. so that leads me to think it’s not an issue with bisexuality, but rather your belief system around it. i think you have some rigid expectations of yourself and strict irrational beliefs fueling your anxiety. try to identify any irrational beliefs you may have around it. these are easily found by finding “musts” and “shoulds” and other dogmatic phrasing. for example- “i must not be bisexual, because that does not feel right.” would be an irrational belief. challenge the irrational belief! “why must i not be bisexual?” and answer it! such as “nowhere in the universe does it say that i’m not allowed to be bisexual. it’s a rigid and unrealistic expectation i’m setting on myself. that regardless of whether or not i am bisexual, the issue isn’t my sexuality, it’s my irrational beliefs surrounding it!” that’s step one! as for step two, i fully recommend USA (unconditonal self acceptance). this means that you can accept yourself as a human regardless of the condition (even being bisexual). that being bisexual doesn’t mean you can’t accept yourself as a human being. you may prefer not to be bisexual, that’s perfectly fine! but the thing here is that EVEN if you were, you’d still be able to accept yourself. this is apart of REBT (rational emotive behavioral therapy) and i think you may find some use in what i said. i hope that helps, even if it’s just a bit!

@FindingAnswersAsking Thank you. I've been trying to tell myself something along the lines I'll be okay with myself regardless but I'm so just not. Thank you for taking the time.to help me out though. I guess another belief is that I don't want to be known as such because it feels as if I'm lying to people. Sigh. It's hard out there. But thank you again <3

@ｆｅｎｎａ of course!! don’t be so hard on yourself. don’t expect to make peace with the possibility of something in one day. for my theme, it took me almost a year. but hey, you’re going to still be here in a year anyways, might as well have made peace with one of your biggest fears while you’re at it. give it time, crunch down on those irrational beliefs, and accept those possibilities. best of luck.