I'm ruining my relationship. My boyfriend and i were not having talk about my thoughts because he thinks it's a compulsion so he tried to stop them but not telling anyone my thoughts made me feel numb and empty from inside. But i told him yesterday that we are not talking about this and this is making me feel like this. We had a discussion but he said if i want to leave i should let him know and not let his life hanging. But this is not what i want. i want him. I don't know why he told so. He tells me you cannot stay positive for a day what to expect from you. I always did 100% for my relationship,I'm not able to do now. It's not easy for me. I know i want him but idk why I'm afraid to love him. Why ocd attacked my relationship. I've never wanted anyone else other than him. My thoughts tell me that i want someone else but i really don't want it. I want a life with my bf but I'm scared if i want it or not. I never wanted to hurt him. My only fear is because I'm not feeling this way and if i chose him i would never make him happy and ruin his life. He loves me so much. He motivates me but i don't listen to him. I cried yesterday so much. He hates when i cry. He tells if it would make everything alright i would also cry. What do i do so that my relationship becomes good like before. I want everything to get right but I'm afraid if i want it or not. I only have him who understands me and loves me. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what trauma I've which led to ROCD but i literally don't want to lose him. I want to marry him. My thoughts tell me I've never loved him because i don't have the will power to face my fears. Please help me. I don't want to leave him. My thoughts are telling me i want to leave but i don't. I am really hopeless now because he said to tell if i want to leave. I only knew he understands me but i feel like he is also doubting me but also this is not so. He even told after that don't fight with your thoughts just love me. I don't like it when you cry. Why cannot i see this. He is a very good man. I've always wanted him. Why am i doubting myself and scared to live him. I really want to get better now. I cannot handle this. I'm just crying while writing this. My relationship was going so good. I destroyed everything. I just want this relationship to work. I don't want anything else. Please help me.

ahazlett

Date posted: 5y

Hey there. I have ROCD too and I know all about those feelings of not being sure if you want him :/ When it gets rly bad for me I just have a constant feeling of uneasiness and my mind tells me the only way to truly be happy and peaceful and truly “myself” is to leave him and never date again. But then again I’m devastated at the thought of losing him and I get so so attached to him and in love when the anxiety/ocd goes down. It sucks. Are you in therapy?

Ankita Ghula...

Date posted: 5y

I'm not able to afford therapy. I'm not yet working and my family doesn't supports me. At first I get very scared at the thought of losing him but now i don't even get scared. I just can't imagine my life without him.

ahazlett

Date posted: 5y

@magicwizard Well you just said it yourself! You can’t imagine your life without him! Trust me, this is classic OCD being the lying mind game that it is. Are you able to identify what your compulsions are?

Ankita Ghula...

Date posted: 5y

Yes my compulsions are 1. telling every thought to him so that he knows what I'm feeling and don't want to cheat him. 2. Fighting with my thoughts that I love him. 3. I reassure myself that i still love him and keep swearing on him to reassure myself. 4. I count to 28 in my head while touching things and saying if i touch it or count it 28 times because his bday is on 28th everything will get better.

ahazlett

Date posted: 5y

Okay that’s good that you’re able to pinpoint them! I have a thing with numbers too and mine is usually in sets of two because my brain tells me that means I won’t die alone or it means I do love him. Now I am in no way claiming to be a therapist, but ERP works by gradually exposing yourself to things that trigger your obsessions and then sitting in the anxiety RESISTING ANY COMPULSIONS until the feeling goes down on its own and eventually goes away. It’s definitely easier said than done but I do believe it works. I just started with my therapy so I have a while do go on my journey of figuring it out, but I’ve been doing ERP exercises.

Ankita Ghula...

Date posted: 5y

@ahazlett I don't know what erp i can do for rocd on myself. Plus i fear if i get better I'll leave him.

ahazlett

Date posted: 5y

@magicwizard ERP is effective for all types of OCD including ROCD. All your worries are coming from OCD I’m sure. I know the feeling :/

Ankita Ghula...

Date posted: 5y

@ahazlett What are the erp you are doing?

ahazlett

Date posted: 5y

@magicwizard Well right now, I am doing exposures that purposely trigger my relationship worries and obsessions. It’s hard but I have faith that it’s going to work.

Ankita Ghula...

Date posted: 5y

There are many compulsions. I pray to god doing compulsions. Telling 3 times what i want so that it comes true

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