I just really do not want to be gay. Liking boys makes me happy and I feel good when I like boys. I feel very resistant to treatment because of this. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that I could be gay and it just makes me feel sick and unhappy. And dont get mad at me for saying that. Just because YOU are happy being gay doesn't mean everyone else is. If you were forced to be straight you definitely wouldn't like it, so no comments about being upset with how I feel. My feelings are valid.

So I realized what I said doesn't make sense. I feel I'm resistant to treatment because I'm a compulsive contrarian. If someone gives me any kind if help I automatically in seconds without even thinking about it try to disprove what they're saying and I'm prideful and rude about it too. I hate it. I hate myself. At this point I feel absolutely completely sure that I'm gay and it feels like I want it too. This is sad and scary to me because I feel like I have to break up with my boyfriend even though I love and enjoy his company in all aspects. There feels like theres no doubt to the fact that I'm a lesbian now. Im obviously attracted to women and respond to them sexually is that not the definition of a lesbian? I feel like I'm clinging on to my identity by a thread and I want to end it all. My brain has internalized all proof that I'm gay and if I even try to disagree I'm hit with my brain's "lie detector" and I'm filled with guilt. The thing that hurts me the most is the idea of compulsory heterosexuality. The idea that my love for my boyfriend is fake. But it's not. Maybe its started out as that idk, but it's real at this point. I enjoy him. It makes me question that. I'm so close to ending it with him, but the idea of him moving on with someone else and me missing out on him makes me want to die because I just want to hold him. Theres a strong curiosity to see if I like being gay or not. Of course I would like it though because it arouses me. I dont know how to handle this. I dont know what to do anymore. Another reason I feel I'm resistant to treatment is because the idea of being gay doesnt scare me, its actually acting on it that terrifies me. I feel like that would set it in stone and that would be the end. I'd have to end things with him. I'd stop loving him. The idea that I could stop loving him is so abhorrent to me that I would defend it forever even if I have to live in pain for the rest of my existence.

@hateocd123 Also I automatically cop out of anything I'm scared of. I settle for the worst possible outcome because Im terrified of being blindsided. I'd rather tell myself I'm gay and accept it and be prepared for it then to be smacked in the face with it.

Reassurance has led me to believing my fears because the OCD lawyer has eaten and disguarded every possible thing that could mean I'm not gay and says it's fake. No reassurance works anymore. It's done for. This is what happens. I'm broken.

@hateocd123 I hear what you're saying... If I'm understanding you correctly, you haven't actually engaged in treatment. You haven't practiced ERP or ACT in a consistent way. In fact, I get the sense that you might have refused to do it at all. The phrase "treatment resistant" describes individuals who have actively engaged in evidence based treatment without benefiting significantly. I went to a talk at the OCD conference where directors of residential OCD treatment programs explained that most of the patients referred to their clinics are labeled "treatment resistant" in their intakes. And then they make amazing progress, often in a short time. They concluded that most people labeled "treatment resistant" aren't benefiting from ERP because the therapist is applying it incorrectly, because the person continues doing comoulsions or avoidance, or because the dosage of therapy wasn't intense enough. Once the vast majority of people with OCD get high quality treatment, engage in the work, and get the adequate dosage of therapy, they see meaningful benefits. That's not what you're describing (of course, it's possible that you haven't shared everything and that's ok). What you're describing is "treatment reluctance" verging on "treatment refusal". These terms describe people who for a variety of reasons are unwilling to start or fully engage in treatment. Often this involves lots of justifications about how "treatment might work for other people, but it won't work for me because my situation is different/unique/worse than other people's", or "I'm not sure this is OCD so why would I try OCD treatment". Some people say "I'm only willing to try this if you can prove that my fear won't come true". It can also look like someone who has significant symptoms but doesn't believe that they have a problem. There are ways to address treatment reluctance and treatment refusal. They aren't insurmountable barriers. But we need to label them properly. Particularly because I have a hunch that the inaccurate belief "my OCD is treatment resistant" is something that contributed to your treatment reluctance/refusal

@NOCD Advocate - Katie PS: treatment reluctance/refusal aren't character flaws. They're not signs that something worse is wrong with you. They don't mean your pain is your fault, or that you're somehow to blame. They are a facet of the illness. They are a symptom. Not only are they a symptom, they are a REALLY COMMON symptom. Heck, I refused treatment for a good eight months before I got to residential. I didn't believe it would actually work, so I just told my parents and therapist that I was doing exposures when I wasn't. And now I'm, well, an advocate for ERP and ACT who engages in my own therapy practice daily.