I have POCD. I can admit it now. I am a female who has been suffering with predominantly groinal response from the age of 18, I’m now 23. At some point this was coupled with bad intrusive thought patterns where I wouldn’t want to say key words like rape, and the sheer fact I wanted to avoid that word would make the word rape go round and round in my head like a carousel. Then I found out what the intrusive thought bit was online, and the fact I was aware of the cause - actually made me heal myself of that part after months of suffering. But even tho I fit the characteristics of POCD, I kind of felt like maybe i suffer with genuine attraction to minors, it’s been too many years now and it’s quite nuanced I can find it hard to distinguish and I feel disgusted so badly. I feel like I have visual prompts and preferences now which never used to happen, for instance I don’t remember seeing a young face and getting a response from the way someone looked. At the start that didn’t even happen and I’m worry maybe I’m training myself to actually be a pedo. Is that possible? It’s so stupid because I get groinal response from other topics that are also taboo - i get it when my mum behaves in certain ways - that kills me so bad and makes me want to self harm. I also get it when cats purr loudly, I can laugh at that one but it’s still pretty nuts and uncomfortable when it happens. However, I think maybe finally today, no matter what symptoms I have - I can accept that I’m defiantly not a peado, I fall in line with so many characteristics of this OCD, it must be true. Maybe I just need to put this uncertainty to bed and stop causing myself so much pain. No one knows about my affliction in my life. MY boyfriend of 3 years who loves me so much doesn’t know, i constantly have to bury the premonition that he would hate me if he knew my truth. It causes me so much pain to think that, I have to lock it away. I lock it all away so deep that it’s like I live to lives. It’s insane. I’ve never even said anything this open before, even online. I break down in tears at the mere mention of POCD. However It’s weirdly painful and comforting to realise I’m not alone, all at the same time. I just feel like my entire life is a lie, and Im just endlessly searching for escapism so I’m not reminded of the fact I’m a ‘pervert’. But I think I’m ready to truly believe this isn’t the case now. Any tips are greatly taken? Next I think I need to find a therapist in the UK. I’ll probably think they will tell the police. Oh the joys of over thinking! Love to anyone suffering this, I’m officially joining the club x

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

So, 0-10, how willing are you to treat it as OCD (even when you end up doubting the diagnosis)?

Trying to ge...

Date posted: 5y

I’m willing to treat it as OCD. 10. I’m willing to do anything to get better. I know the doubt is part of the OCD problem. But it seems like even the search for a definitive answer on whether you have OCD or not is a problem. It’s bloody ware fair it’s almost like everything I want to do to make me feel better makes it worse! I’m finding the reassurance thing difficult, because since this is the first time I’ve spoken about this in 5 years of suffering with it, I feel like it would help a bit. But I know your professionals and know you must be right. X

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Trying to get over this I'm not a professional yet ☺️ three more classes to go. In my role as an advocate, I'm here as a peer. Admittedly, a peer with professional training, but a peer. Doubting the diagnosis is a common facet of the illness, and one that often contributes to treatment reluctance. That's why it's so important to develop willingness to act like it's OCD even when part of us thinks it might not be. It's like saving money for retirement. It's possible I'll die before I reach retirement age, but that doesn't stop me from saving money anyway. I act as if I'll live to 100 despite the doubt (and real possibility) that I won't ever need my savings

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Beautifully said!!

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