okay im a 28 year old woman and my best friend since i was 4 is gay and everytime im on the phone with him i feel like hes waiting for me to come out and i feel like im lying to him and i feel guilty lying to him and i feel bad for not coming out but then i go i honestly i dont know what i am ive been alone my whole life but ive never known if i want to date women or men i feel uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate with anyone i have had sexual fantasies all involving men but ive had gay dreams im not sure what i should sexually be i masturbate to fantasies about men but then i wonder am i doing that to prove im not gay? i have found some women attractive but ive always avoided looking at lesbian movies and porn in fear that it would confirm im a lesbian its like i get this loud voice in my head saying youre gay just be gay but im like thats based on nothing but i feel like a lot of people think im gay because ive never had a relationship or sex but i never kissed a woman or fallen in love with a woman but i do have a lot of women i wish i could be and i go am i confusing my wish to be them with a wish to sleep with them and im just so repressed? sometimes i think a girl is hot but i think that about guys too and everyone thought me and my best friend of 8 years were a lesbian couple even though she had a boyfriend and i wasnt attracted to her in that way but i did love her and my thoughts start going youve been in the closet for 28 years and waisted your whole life and then i get afraid that im going to be a story people tell about a lesbian who couldnt come out and decided to kill herself because i was too afraid to be gay and then i freak out because i dont want to die and if coming out would make me lose this obsession then i would do it but if i do it and im not gay thats embarrassing... i also have some scary intrusive thoughts so i go well if im actually gay then that means my pocd is real and not ocd but maybe im gay with pocd and existential ocd but the gay one is real ... how do i know?! why do i feel guilty when i dont even know... but ive also experienced some ptsd that gives me trust issues i dont know why im alone at 28 and im scared my thoughts just circle for all the reasons im broken and then i freak out am i asexual? am i bisexual? am i a lesbian? and if i dont find out soon who will take care of me when im old and on my death bed...? and if i dont find out soon i cant finally start my life and experience important milestones in life ... and when i tell my best friend about my 2 recent panic attacks i cant tell him all the reasons i have them and that makes me an actual liar and i feel bad ... i hate this and worst of all i feel like none of you will relate to me at all this is scary to post but here it goes .... please be kind 🙏

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 5y

I’ve felt this way too. I’m glad we’re not alone. I try to tell myself “I’m okay” to center myself and let the thoughts pass but it’s scary to feel them and think them. Not sure that helps. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for sharing, that resonated an awful lot with me. Literally all of those thought circles, I've had them too. You are not alone ❤

nat

Date posted: 5y

I struggle with these thoughts too. I worry that others think I'm gay cause I've never been in a relationship and I don't feel comfortable telling anyone about my hocd in fear of them thinking I'm just in the closet... What my problem is, is that I somehow automatically link everything to being gay, so when I think about anything I do that is different from others (e.g I enjoy being alone) I just link it to me being gay who's too uncomfortable being around others because of the way I feel. However, what helps me is to think that nothing is black and white in this world so although someone else who enjoys being alone (to use my example) is gay doesn't mean that I am. I try to look things from many angles like for example the reason I like being alone is cause I have social anxiety, I'm introverted or that I enjoy the freedom of doing whatever I want. I understand it's scary if you've never been in a relationship before but it's okay to wait for someone you're comfortable with. Today's world is too focused on sex and that makes people more nervous about it. But I like to think that it's more aligned with my own values not to date many people (not saying there's anything wrong with that either) and waiting for the "right one". I myself have found myself unconsciously sabotazing my relationships with men due to my fear of being vulnerable. I would try to encourage you that you can do great things even without a partner and notice that ocd can put thoughts in our heads and make everything seem black and white (as in you're gay or not) which is not the case. This got a bit long but I hope I helped! :)

Anonymously

Date posted: 5y

thanks for the advice i didnt find it too long lol considering how long my posts are and my response is lol but yeah i need to chill a bit on my black and white thinking i used to think i was good at living and thinking in the grey but not with my themes...my comfort used to be that me and my sister were in the same boat that our traumatic childhoods were why we were alone until a recent heart to heart where she revealed she recently had lost her virginity and she said me and her "werent in the same category anymore" and my brain latched on to that and then i woke up after smoking one night and that night i kept freaking out about how we all die one day which ive been thinking a lot about before bed lately and then in the morning i was just in full fear panic attack mode and its like my brain was trying to solve all the reasons im sexually broken / alone and all my am i gay shit came back up stronger than ever, and my memories of all my pocd telling me im a pedo, or me trying to figure out if i was sexually abused and dont know it and thats why im alone and im like out of all of those fears being gay is the only one i can live with being true i just dont know and like im more comfortable if thats the truth than anything else but i also just dont know ... but yeah its like my brain is putting this pressure on me to figure it out and a lot of it has to do with this fear that i waisted 28 years of my life not experiencing things and life is short and i cant waist anymore time being alone theres a lot of that happening too because i see my friends getting married, engaged, having kids and they are moving on to new phases and creating families of their own and all i have to count on is my mom and sister and i feel like i have this huge fear of being on my death bed and being alone with no one to help me get through it and comfort me the way my mom does if ive been really sick like who does that for us when we are old and frail and childless and spouseless lol i guess im spiraling all over again but yeah thanks for letting me vent this is the first time ive ever shared any of these fears besides one time to my therapist on here feels good to share

nat

Date posted: 5y

@Anonymous 21 Yeah I understand it's a lot of pressure when your friends are out there "achieving" those big mile stones but keep in mind that even like 18-year-olds get married and have kids and it's not always a good thing either. It's okay to take things at your own pace and we all have different lives and pasts, and it's not always easy to see things from different angles. I also feel very silly writing this while having a little mental break down myself but I want you to know that you're not alone with these thoughts :)

Anonymously

Date posted: 5y

@nat thanks that means a lot sending good vibes your way during your tough time 🙏

nat

Date posted: 5y

@Anonymous 21 As well! We'll get through anything thrown our way! :)

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