My head keeps saying I'm a p, I'm a p. I'm so sorry for venting but I was just browsing YouTube and video was recommended to me which showed like anime characters getting revenge for bullying and I saw it out of curiosity. Nothing bad was shown in that video but you know how characters look like: too young, too childish and I immediately get in panic and get "what-I-hope-it-is" false attraction and I feel even worse... I'm so afraid to be one... I literally have closed myself in my house, panicking everyday. I can't leave the house because I'm afraid I'll do something wrong... Or that I'll have intrusive thoughts... I'm sorry for this bit. It's just too tiring...

I've went to therapy and I am on meds right now but nothing really worked. The meds definitely help but it's a very low dosage and my doctor doesn't want any higher... It sucks because I need something strong. When I went to therapy, I also had to write it down since I was uncapable of saying it out loud.. I had to do this 3 times... I will indulge in online therapy soon I hope with a ocd specialist and I hope it goes well. I'm so afraid to actually be a p and just in denial

@myocdstory “I’m so afraid to actually be a p and just in denial.” I remember feeling exactly how you feel. This is one of the most difficult and terrifying types of OCD to deal with, because the stigma against pedophilia is so massive, both pedophilia and POCD are not well understood by the public at large, and the consequences of child sex abuse can be so severe. When you find the right combination of medication and therapeutic support (or maybe even just the right medication or the right support!), these thoughts and all the fear they produce will eventually fade. They might never leave you completely, but you CAN get to a place in your life where you have proper perspective on what is actually going on in your head 💜 For me, researching the science behind pedophilia actually did help, because at that point in my treatment I had enough grip on myself/my memory to know that I did not fit the diagnostic criteria. But if you’re not in that phase—if you know that you’ll just compulsively check the wikipedia page over and over to “make sure”—I don’t recommend doing it. For right now, maybe try this and see if it helps take the edge off: when the feelings come up, as soon as you can think to do it, put your hand over your diaphragm, breathe as deeply and slowly as you can for as long as you feel you need, and remind yourself that no matter what the truth of your neurology is—no matter which mental illness you deal with—you do not EVER have to act on ANY of your feelings, especially ones that scare and repulse you. Many people who actually DO suffer from clinical pedophilia will never commit an offense because the idea of hurting a child distresses them too much, so no matter what the truth of your mental illness is, you are not “fated” to eventually offend against someone.