I’ve reached a dipping point in my recovery. My Wellbutrin (it’s now been a week on it) has eased my depression but now I can feel anxiety welling up. I’m paying more attention to my thoughts. It’s starting to interact with my ROCD again. It’s hard for me to be intimate with my boyfriend even though I want to but it’s the constant what ifs and if I’m using sex as a compulsion (ex: checking) also, my libido is kind of nonexistent right now. On top of that, my therapist wants me to start writing out my intrusive thoughts so we can assess them next Monday. I have found myself procrastinating it. Not out of laziness, but I think I’m scared to do it. It’s physically putting it out there that’s not my brain. What if they are true, what do I do, what can I do, etc. I’m just feel like this is a tiny roadblock even though I’ve barely started :/

It’s a good sign that you realize that you’re “checking” and engaging in compulsive behavior. That’s the first step towards overcoming these thoughts and the scared feelings that they produce in you. Please check in with your therapist and/or psychiatrist if you have one; they would know best. If you aren’t ready to perform ERP at the moment, disempowering your feelings might help...deep breathing exercises and/or meditation may be able to take the edge off, until you can get to a more intensive therapeutic intervention method.

@Lunetta My therapist doesn’t help with this. She actually made my thoughts worse

@aguglielmo Yikes 😬 Okay. Maybe one of the therapists on this app could assist you in the meantime, while you find a new therapist?

@Lunetta I hope so!

I had the same problem last spring. Then it went away and now it’s back with a whole vengeance. I know I love him, but I keep checking my attractions to him. Same with intimate situations. It’s very hard for me. If your therapist has made your thoughts worse, maybe you two aren’t a good fit? I would find a new therapist. And I second what Lunetta said. The first step on this journey is realizing your compulsions. That’s what happened for me anyway, it’s just now I’m actually receiving long overdue treatment. We got this!

@jljbchs Did it make you feel like your convinced that you don’t love him anymore

@aguglielmo Yes at times. It also made me struggle with my identity like Sexual Orientation OCD and the thoughts were always constant like what if I don’t love him, what if I’m not happy, what if I’m not attracted to him, why can’t I be as intimate with him does this mean I’m so on and so forth? It was always constant and I was always checking my love for him and then one day it stopped. I never addressed it or got treatment as I was undiagnosed at the time. I had no idea it could be OCD and I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts. I’d check my attraction to different men or girls or anything. I’d use intimate interactions as checking too. I felt horrible and guilty. Now I’m doing all the same except I know I love him and my brain just isn’t happy with that firm answer so it’s attacking me in other ways

@jljbchs I also feel my checking if I’d be sad if I’d never see his family again or our dog.

@aguglielmo Yeah, I did those too. These are all compulsions you’ve named so far. I relate to these so much. I would definitely tell a therapist especially one who specifically deals in OCD. That’s what I had to do. I had to be totally transparent.

@jljbchs Now I feel like I’m completely like numb and won’t be upset if anything happened cause I convinced myself it’s true or it’s the medicine

@aguglielmo Your body can’t live in a constant state of anxiety. Sometimes you will feel apathetic. When I was on citalopram, I’d be very numb at times. It’s also your brain’s way of protecting you. I have a really hard time being vulnerable and I always accept the worst. You just have to keep going one day at a time. I’d definitely let your doctor know especially if you’re having adverse effects to meds.