I’ve shared this before but I want to share again. I’ve always struggled with ocd of every subtype. I had it pretty manageable up until I gave birth to my daughter, which was about a year ago. Since then, my ocd, anxiety, depression have all ramped up, but I still thought I had it under control, up until about a month ago. Having a child caused every subtype and compulsion to flare up. Intrusive thoughts, checking- POCD, Harm ocd, perfectionism ocd, thanatophobia, existentialism ocd, health ocd, health anxiety, contamination ocd- you name it! But I still thought I had it all under control. I work in a criminal defense law firm, so I’m constantly reading police reports about the horrible things people do, and receiving calls from people in jail and I’m always in my head thinking that we are all one decision away from losing control, ending up in prison and having a completely different life. These thoughts haunt me. I feel like the human mind is so complex and if someone else is capable, I surely am as well. Aren’t I? One day I read a particularly heinous child abuse story, and it completely messed me up. I had been doing a lot of research on ocd and avoidance and compulsions and after reading that story I felt so triggered but also so confident that I would never want to do anything like that to my own child. But the fear was still inside of me. So strong. That night I went home knowing I would struggle with my ocd while caring for my child. I changed her diaper and buttoned her onesie and had intrusive thoughts/feelings and urges. I breathed through them and acknowledged that they were ocd thoughts, that I was expecting to have given the day I had. Because of my ocd, I have always avoided handling my baby in anyway that might be deemed inappropriate. I see a lot of people hold their babies or lift their babies in a way where their hand is positioned in the crotch. Even though it is not sexual, I’ve always avoided it because I didn’t want to feel weird doing so. I wanted to avoid any doubt or feeling or thought that it might conjure up. As the evening progressed my daughter was going to bed and she kept standing up in her crib and wouldn’t drink her bottle. I kept laying her down and by the time I would be able to grab her bottle she would be standing up again. I needed to lay her down with one arm and hand her the bottle immediately with the other hand. I had the thought if only I could scoop her up with one hand and hand her the bottle with the other-but that would require me to maneuver her in a way that positions my hand between her legs. Immediately I was fearful but then realized this would be a good opportunity to practice ERP. I was so excited to de-sexualize that in my mind and to finally break through the fear of handling my daughter that way. I thought about the intrusive thoughts bit had earlier in the evening and immediately said “no this isn’t sexual, do not avoid it” and without second thought-I did it. I laid her down with one arm, which resulted in my hand between her legs. She was fully clothed and diapered but immediately I was overcome with guilt and panic. Why did I do it? Was it to act out on a sexual urge? What did it mean? What were my true motives? Would if they were to gain sexual gratification? I know they weren’t. I was super confident and ready to stick it to my ocd that night. But that confidence is replaced with doubt, guilt and fear. I’ve struggled with this since it happened. I have good days and bad days, but I can’t seem to stop replaying it. New emotions have surfaced that weren’t even there, new thoughts, the whole scenario has been played so many times over and over again in my head like a broken record to the point where I don’t even know what’s real or imagined at this point. I keep trying to remind myself I did not have Ill intent when executing the action and that i was wanting to practice ERP and not avoid a certain gesture due to my anxiety. But my mind keeps saying “what if” ...what if you did it with Ill intent deep down?