Tips on working on self esteem? I am self aware on my unhealthy attachment styles in relationships and men in general. I’ve had self esteem issues since I was a child. In college I was like the ugly duckling turned hot, and subsequently I was promiscuous for years. Recently my friends with benefits from college (one of my best guy friends), who I fell in love with but we had a falling out because I was so attached and heartbroken when he didn’t feel the same, contacted me telling me he had a dream about me. It’s been 5 years since we graduated college. We sent each other some sexual snaps (without faces) and he acted so into me again. I sent some more the next day and I got no response. He’s an engineer so I know he’s super busy but I immediately look too much into these things and think bad about myself. He told me to come down to Florida to visit him for a few days but he didn’t answer my snaps so my self esteem kicks in and I assume he doesn’t like it or feels weird now. Like maybe he felt horny for a second and he didn’t wanna hear from me after that one time he contacted me.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 4y

Great I'm glad I know who I'm talking to :) you're doing cognitive reprocessing therapy for PTSD too, right? I'd get her opinion on some strategies for working on attachment. If you like reading, the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk completely changed my understanding of how early disruptions in the caregiving relationship change brain development into adult good and how to recreate the developmental experiences kids or adults missed out on to heal. Most therapies are "top down", they rely on higher order cognitive skills like language and logic. The probl is that people who have attachment issues usually experienced disruptions in caregiving at young ages, that impacted the "lower" levels of the brain that deal with felt safety, emotions, regulation, and relationships. Fixing those look were brain levels with therapies that rely heavily on language and logic is really difficult to do effectively.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Thanks! I’ll check it out. The funny thing is I received too much love growing up that I was smothered and raised by a perfectionist mother who wanted the best for me but harmed in the end with her perfectionism. I was also raised by my grandparents while my parents worked during the day. My dad is a narcissist and as I started to grow older his narc abuse increased. He would randomly get mad and tell me to put on makeup and when I was 12 I told him to grow some balls as some stupid kids comment about something and he said “grow some tits”. Then the narc silent treatment started and he can go months not talking to me. Continuing into adulthood this goes on and off. So it definitely stems from my father.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 4y

@Anxiousgirl Disruptions in the child caregiver relationship that lead to attachment issues can include outright abuse or neglect. That's the extreme version. More common disruptions happen in families with well-meaning parents who love their kids but have trouble interacting with them in a good enough way most of the time

catattak

Date posted: 4y

I cannot reccomend CBT enough here. I was suicidal in university because I absolutely hated myself. I was constantly planning and plotting ways to kill myself in my residence, crying all of the time and couldnt function. It really supported my understanding of how valuable I actually am. I really had to do it with an actual therapist though. I've done programs since that are just workbooks and 15 min weekly check ins with a counsellor and that wasnt any good.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Oh girl! I’m so sorry you had that experience in university. I’m glad you were able to get the support you needed. You are amazing and valuable ❤️ I guess my therapist now does CBT on top of my OCD but it doesn’t stick. I’ve caused so much destruction to myself and other people because of deep rooted self esteem issues.

catattak

Date posted: 4y

@Anxiousgirl It really needs a concentrated effort which is why I mention some CBT efforts haven't worked for me. Also turning 30 helped. Once I hit 30, i was pretty much like "I'm a queen, everyone else sucks, why do I put up with people?" Haha Realistically i struggled with wanting to be perfect for a long time. Which i wonder if that ties into my OCD at all and from a few of our convos it sounds like perfection has played a role your whole life.

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