I’m struggling with my real event/false memory ocd right now over the same damn event I’ve talked about on here forever. I have so much anxiety and guilt about it. Every time I start to feel better I get back in my head about it and find a new detail to obsess on that doesn’t sit well with me. I was doing so good for a couple of days and now I feel like I’m right back to square one...

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So basically I maneuvered my daughter in a way where my hand was like grasping her diaper. I see people handle their babies like this all of the time. I always avoid it due to my POCD. I don’t want it to evoke any weird feelings or thoughts or worries. I decided to do it one night, it all happened so fast. I had intrusive thoughts earlier while I was changing her. And then when this opportunity presented itself I almost talked myself out of it but then I was like no this is a great opportunity to finally face your fear of holding her like that. My mind was telling me I was doing it to act out on the intrusive urges I was having earlier. I think I even had a thought similar to “do it to get that urge out of your system” but I didn’t want to argue with the thought or try and reason with it and I didn’t want to think too much about it at all. I just wanted to stand up to my ocd and desexualize holding her like that because it’s always been a huge avoidance for me. I didn’t wanna overthink it. I just did it, without overthinking or arguing in my mind, or debating, or questioning my motives, or dissecting my motives, or succumbing to my avoidance. I just maneuvered her that way. It was the easiest way to get her to lay down with one arm and fully support her while handing her the bottle with my other hand simultaneously. She was fully clothed, diapered, there was no sexual component to it, I wasn’t aroused. I was just so focused on finally doing this to prove to myself it isn’t a big deal. I see people handle their babies like this all of the time without second thought. Immediately after I did I was convinced I molested my daughter. That I finally gave in to the intrusive thought/urge/idea of touching her. Because it happened so close to when I had the intrusive thought earlier in the evening I felt like that thought somehow influenced my action. I keep feeling like I could’ve handled her a different way, why did I choose that way? I feel like I did it for the wrong reasons. Like I was doing it to practice erp and stand up to my ocd but my brain is telling me I did it for sexual gratification even though there wasn’t any. It’s just a really horrible feeling and I can’t stop ruminating.