I’m gonna get real about mental heath really quick: -I struggle with OCD day in and day out as we all do, some days are better than others and today was just terrible. School is one of the biggest stressors and on the FOURTH question of my math homework I just lost it. I snapped and I wasn’t really myself anymore. Not the me that can present as one without any mental handicaps. I threw what is probably best described as a temper tantrum. I never get angry and I was just seeing red. I was punching, kicking, and tearing papers out of my notebook. I was throwing things and just losing it. When I took a step back all I felt was guilt. The guilt that I let it get out of hand, that I didn’t do what I’ve done for years which is just suppress it enough to look normal. Then I thought, “why guilt?” What was so wrong with me just having a bad day. Why did I feel guilty for acting out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone, in that tantrum I was thinking about self harm but was self aware to know that wasn’t an option. So I should be proud of that, why did I feel guilty? I should be absolutely proud of myself that even when I’m not okay and I’m at the lowest, I can still recognize the priorities at hand and I know what consequences things hold. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling, I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to hold it down sometimes. There’s no reason why I should feel guilty for not being able to suppress it 1/10 times. That’s better than 9/10. I had to recognize that even when you have “control” of your mental illness, if it’s bad it’s still going to be there. It’s still going to show. You’re STILL going to have those days. So I just really wanted to share that because it was a teaching experience for myself. It’s okay to not be in control sometimes, as long as you can still care about the consequences of your actions it’s okay to not be okay. I shouldn’t feel bad for having a bad day, even if it’s worse than some of the others. You shouldn’t either. ♥️

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

I hope everyone is doing well today, and for those of you who are struggling my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just know your moment of peace is coming soon. I think it’s important that we post / come on here every now and again even when we are not in a moment of pure panic and fear. Remember that we are not our thoughts as hard as it is to understand. Remember that OCD makes it feel “real” and that OCD will always make us think the most inappropriate things and the most inappropriate times. Remember that all humans, have thoughts that come and go and as hard as it can be to understand you are not alone in your thoughts that feel so unique. For me I get a lot of anxiety from thoughts I used to have , which of course makes them return in full throttle. The more I push them away the more they come back. And those thought makes new connections to those things in my life I value. OCD is a pain but it’s important that as much as you hate it you learn to be compassionate and understanding that it’s there to “help” you no matter how bad it does it job sometimes. Stay strong everyone

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!