I’m gonna get real about mental heath really quick: -I struggle with OCD day in and day out as we all do, some days are better than others and today was just terrible. School is one of the biggest stressors and on the FOURTH question of my math homework I just lost it. I snapped and I wasn’t really myself anymore. Not the me that can present as one without any mental handicaps. I threw what is probably best described as a temper tantrum. I never get angry and I was just seeing red. I was punching, kicking, and tearing papers out of my notebook. I was throwing things and just losing it. When I took a step back all I felt was guilt. The guilt that I let it get out of hand, that I didn’t do what I’ve done for years which is just suppress it enough to look normal. Then I thought, “why guilt?” What was so wrong with me just having a bad day. Why did I feel guilty for acting out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone, in that tantrum I was thinking about self harm but was self aware to know that wasn’t an option. So I should be proud of that, why did I feel guilty? I should be absolutely proud of myself that even when I’m not okay and I’m at the lowest, I can still recognize the priorities at hand and I know what consequences things hold. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling, I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to hold it down sometimes. There’s no reason why I should feel guilty for not being able to suppress it 1/10 times. That’s better than 9/10. I had to recognize that even when you have “control” of your mental illness, if it’s bad it’s still going to be there. It’s still going to show. You’re STILL going to have those days. So I just really wanted to share that because it was a teaching experience for myself. It’s okay to not be in control sometimes, as long as you can still care about the consequences of your actions it’s okay to not be okay. I shouldn’t feel bad for having a bad day, even if it’s worse than some of the others. You shouldn’t either. ♥️

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

I see you shifting into self compassion mode. You're validating your emotions. That's a good thing. There is zero reason to feel guilty for having unpleasant emotions. Its good that you were able to rein in your actions enough to not hurt yourself or anyone else. It's important to recognize that. You do deserve credit. And, assuming that you're ten-ish or older, tantrums where you're hitting, kicking, and ripping paper aren't generally acceptable. That's not a healthy or typical way for older children, teens, or adults to express frustration. Bottling up your emotions isn't healthy, but neither is this. I hope that your parents and teachers are able to see the tantrum as a sign that you need more support, and not as just "bad behavior". If they're not stepping up to help you, I recommend asking them for help. You might be able to loop another trusted adult, like a school counselor, a coach, or a pastor into the conversation to support you in asking for the support you deserve.

Raee

Date posted: 5y

I’m actually 19, I never really get angry or express anger and I was very fed up with my college math class at the time.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Raee Ok, my mistake I assumed you were a minor. In this case, you can't rely on other people to access help for you. You already accessed support for yourself by using this app. Professional help would be the next step. Personally, i think of therapy as an investment in myself and my future.

Raee

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I work closely with a therapist but it’s been months since I’ve gone due to covid, thank you for you kind words and advice!

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Raee Do they offer teletherapy? There's some downsides to it, but it's better than nothing. And there's even some benefits. Being in your natural environment can give your therapist a chance to coach you through situations that are more realistic

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