when i was little, i would feel aroused by sexy images of women.. i would even look at them while i was pleasuring myself, but it never registered to me that doing was gay.. until now. i find women to be be really attractive, but i always thought it was aesthetically, not sexually. i have never fantasized about being with another woman or ever seriously considered being romantic with a woman. i just see myself as being friends with them, but my HOCD has made me start reviewing my past for evidence that i really am gay, and it’s kind of making me question and even forget my attraction, crushes, and even relationships with men... i came out to my bf as bi when we started dating but never questioned if i should be with him to date women. i knew i liked men so i wanted to date men. it was easier for me to connect with men so it started to make me doubt being bi. im ok with being bi because i would choose to be with a man but my thoughts keep telling me that im a lesbian or that i could be gay. or that i dont see myself with a woman because society doesnt show that, even though i grew up always wanting a boyfriend and always wanting to get married and have kids. i feel so confused i dont know whats real or whats OCD

Lunetta

Date posted: 5y

Oof. Sexual Orientation OCD has to be the most confusing to deal with, since lbrh, a lot of actual queer people don’t realize they’re queer for awhile, and struggle with clarifying their identity even afterwards. I can’t speak with authority bc I’ve never suffered from sexual orientation OCD, but I think that in someone who’s in denial about their sexuality, the distress comes from internalized homophobia (“I can’t be gay! Gay people are bad/gross/going to Hell!”) and/or a fear of social reprisal. Whereas in HOCD, the distress comes from the constant questioning of “but what if I’m wrong about who I am??? What if [x occurrence] means that I’m actually a lesbian?” The brain does react to stimuli that it interprets to be sexual, independent of actual conscious pleasure or desire. This is why some people orgasm while being raped, and why sufferers of various sexual OCDs feel the dreaded groinal response. I don’t know what you were thinking or feeling about the women you looked at as a young’un, but it’s perfectly plausible that you were aroused by the sexual nature of the images rather than by the idea of potentially having sex with any of the women, and that isn’t a mark against your heterosexuality. I fantasize about Captain America and the Winter Soldier getting it on, but I have 0 interest in having sex with men. Alternatively, if you DO desire to have sex with women, that doesn’t take away from your desire for men. You could be a Kinsey 2. (We as a society should never have let the Kinsey Scale fall by the wayside: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale) You also seem to know what ideas are giving you distress (“what if I’m actually a lesbian?”) and what that kind of distress is doing to you (making you question and forget your attraction/crushes/relationships). That’s good, because that awareness of what’s going on is your indicator that those thoughts are intrusive, not reflective of your actual desires, and something to practice your ERP on :)

ll28

Date posted: 5y

thank you for such an in depth response!!

starry duck

Date posted: 5y

So what do you identified as before ocd?

ll28

Date posted: 5y

i identified as bi but was still confused then took it back and said i was straight. then i had hocd!

Nicolas:)

Date posted: 1y

@ll28 I mean I once came out as bi too, but my definition of by at that moment was just admiting some guys are good looking and I basically just came out so the thoughs would shut up, but they didnt, but now my brain uses that as evidence that I must be really bi and would end up with a man, and that's not what I wanted, ever since I was a kid I just wanted to have a wife and kids, and I don't care if it was society or some other reason, I knew I WANTED IT, but now it's like all that desire is gone

ninkaninga

Date posted: 1y

@Nicolas:) Ohh, this is kinda my case as well. I also had a thought at some point that maybe im bisexual, but never came out to anyone, i just had a thought. And i also thought or at least i think, that it was because i could admit that some women are attractive and pretty and that they just look good. Maybe i thought that we as a woman should not find other women pretty? I dont know. I just could admit that they are pretty and i admired them. So i also might mistaken it as being bisexual.

ninkaninga

Date posted: 1y

mer_park3r

Date posted: 1y

@Nicolas:) i feel like this all the time!! it’s so frustrating and i don’t know what to do with it! i came out as bi when i was 12 to my parents, but because they didn’t make a big deal about it i’m always worried i didn’t make the right call.

Nicolas:)

Date posted: 1y

@mer_park3r - I mean, I'm not sure if it's the same case, cause I wasn't bi, but OCD it's a bitch for everyone, that's for sure

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