Anyone scared their intrusive thoughts feel like fantasies like what’s the difference - I mainly feel disgusted but then I get this thought what if I like it when I’m trying to just let the thought roll on by and it seems like I’m willingly let it stay and turn into a fantasy sorry if doesn’t make sense :(

It is reassurance. Truth is we have had these thoughts enough, to doubt enough that we could never be certain we could NOT do the horrible things our brain has thrown up. This is where the acceptance of those unwanted thoughts comes in, along with a refusal to engage. And to also commit to your values, goals and your own preferred desires (not the desires ocd is asking you MIGHT like). Start working hard to drop the rope Anonk. The monster will still be there but he can’t hurt you if you put down the rope if answer and reassurance seeking. Eventually he’ll get bored and tired and stop shouting.

You’ve both identified the core fear. It’s not really the ‘fantasy’ (and lets be honest this is a fucking nightmare as opposed to a fantasy - fantasies are enjoyable! And no fearing you MIGHT enjoy it does NOT make it enjoyable?). The real fear is allowing such content to sit unattended to will send you down a path you don’t want, and against your will. The most interesting thing about this is the perceived lack of control, will power and innate desire. That feeling they are not ours to own and direct. They are in reality of course but we don’t FEEL like they are in the midst of OCD. So I have a question for you both: When is the first time in your life where you felt really out of control, where it is was in fact taken from you and made you feel traumatised? Was it an abuse scenario? Was some one targeting you at work, Or were you bullied at school or by family members? Think back: you may be surprised at the pattern that develops from those experiences. They don’t cause ocd of course but they most certainly trigger it. A loss of control in earlier life during an adverse event is nearly always at the heart of an onset of this disorder it seems. Once again it doesn’t cause it, and it can appear earlier. But it most certainly never gets CLINICAL........until someone takes away our power in some form, or makes us feel very unsafe in some regard.

I’m sorry for you and your brother by the way. We should never go through that.

Oh wow!! This is definitely insightful THANKYOU. Abused at a young age and then POCD kicked in a few weeks after I found out my bro was abused :(

There you go Anonk. And do the thoughts relate to your own or your brothers experiences in anyway? Do they follow a specificity in the type of content? This is very important. The limbic system can only warm you through the senses, and doesn’t yet have good evolutionary connection to the neo cortex which is the part of your brain that does, and has always, recognised the extreme and irrational nature of these thoughts. But the emotional brain is all about feelings, arousal and senses. It’s pictures and feelings are ones of a warning, albeit a malfunctioning one. It is, in fact like a crazy best friend trying to protect you - but going the wrong way about it.

No I don’t think so - I’m just afraid of harming a child so when I see a picture of a child I purposely replay a thought to “check” if I really want to do that and then get scared I’m enjoying the thought and I really do want that. Even though I find the thoughts scary and repulsive

Ok fair enough. I’ve done that kind of checking and you gets o used to it you wonder if you are telling your brain you want this. I think the only thing we can really do is put down the rope. I’ve relapsed a bit today and been stuck in my head doing lots of checking which then makes me feel more numb when it comes to my sexuality. Which is hardly surprising.

Yeah I think it’s a combination. I often think how I got myself in such a damn bind. It was one thought when already really anxious.

Thank you Soniclen. This is probably the worst it’s ever been. My biggest struggle right now is that I’m a P in denial as I read that some non offending Ps are distressed by their thoughts too and don’t look at CP etc. I keep thinking what makes me different? These thoughts are just horrendous and have repeated all afternoon, I think I had five minutes free. Ugh I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Anonk have you discussed with your bro? How is he coping/responding to the trauma?

No, I don’t discuss it with him, he doesn’t know about my diagnoses. I think it’s recently started to affect him - it happened over ten years ago.

Soniclen any thoughts re my comment above yours? “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” one. Or is that reassurance

Thanks so much Soniclen