alayna joy on youtube triggers me so much because she was bisexual, came out to her fiance as gay... and when she was going over the lesbian masterdoc she said she feels uncomfortable calling herself a lesbian because she was wrong about being bi so she said she could be wrong again.. but today what triggered me is her video about tiktoks that made her gay, and people’s comments under the video saying tiktok made them realize theyre gay too. it brought me so much anxiety even to see the title and read the comments without watching the video, especially because i get some lesbian content on my for you page on tiktok.. this one tiktok really made me anxious about this woman who came out to her husband as a lesbian after 6 years of being married to him :( people say their tiktok represents them so well like theyre fbi agent knows exactly who they are and ive gotten straight, bi, and lesbian tiktok i think it’s on my page because i like the cottagecore aesthetic but it made me scared because i didnt know that could mean someones gay?? it triggers me to find women pretty too because i used to find women aesthetically pretty and not think that much of it but now my HOCD makes me think i have to break up with my boyfriend because i feel gay 😭 i digned up for NOCD therapy but my diagnostic meeting is on the 30th.... idk what to do

sofia

Date posted: 5y

I've also seen videos like that on tiktok and I think that was the first time in years that something triggered me that much. I felt everything you are feeling now except for the fact that I identify as pansexual but my hocd makes me think that I actually am not and that if I'm gay I have to leave my boyfriend.

ll28

Date posted: 5y

i relate to you a lot! before my bf and i started dating, i identified as bi/ pan, but had a preference for men. then i started thinking maybe im really straight (but i had rocd), and rhen when i solve them, it flips to hocd and i start wondering what if im actually gay?? hocd is so hard but i hope you’re doing okay

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I relate so much her videos have been a major trigger to me and set me back so badly. I couldn't sleep for days and felt anxiety all over my body. I think it was the video where she talked about the breakup that killed me and also because she said that she really, genuinely loved him, and their live together and still turned out to be a lesbian. Maybe we are so triggered by that because we are all in a relationship with a man that we love and desperately afraid to lose him? When my SO-OCD is doing better, usually ROCD is trying to convince me that my boyfriend does not really love me or that our relationship is somehow not right (even though we have been together for 11 years and are still happy both emotionally and physically;)) I feel like this fear also paralyses me to move on with my life. Like I love the idea of getting married to him or to picture of what our life would look like with kids etc and I love that, but OCD is always lurking and asking me, but what if I am right and you are really a lesbian! You need to be sure before you can make any decision... it is so annoying I almost get bored 😂

sofia

Date posted: 5y

I can totally relate, this was me months ago and it happened to my previous relatioship too (i was 18, now i'm 23) and i've noticed that my hocd comes back every time i feel secure in a relatioship, when i was single i was able to be certain of what my sexual orientation was, i identify in the bisexual spectrum, but i also had preferences for men. Now that i'm in a serious relatioship it came back, but i realized that i had rocd also because before quarantine (i'm from italy) my brain convinced me that my partner didn't want me and wanted to leave me, and he was not going to, but this has made us fight a lot and caused a lot of pain. When i realized that my bf was not going to leave me then it switched to "what if i'm lesbian , if you are gay you have to break up" and then to rocd "what if you fell out of love" It's really confusing when this happens because I feel so lonely even if I know a lot of people struggle with this. I'm trying talk therapy and see what happens, do you go to therapy?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I remember, that hocd kicked me, when I felt most secure and happily in love in my relationship... I even remember that it probably started with light ROCD at first and then turned into HOCD. Even to this day the two seem to take turns with me, like when I feel secure I am not a lesbian my brain goes like ok, but what about your relationship, are you sure everything is as it should be, look at other couples they look so much better and happier than you, does he kiss you often enough, are you holding hands often enough etc. It literally latches on to everything and tries to turn it against me 😐 I might fit on the bi-spectrum as well as I do experience a certain attraction/fascination with interesting women, even though I have never been interested in women sexually, but one can never know. Usually this never bothered me, I even liked to having light girl crush out of admiration or appreciation, it never crossed my mind that I could be seriously interested in one of them, as I always was very sexually attracted to my bf and never had gay fantasies or a need to explore (even though I know that doesn't have to mean anything either), and when I first learned about sexual fluidity or sexual orientation as a spectrum, I thought, cool that makes sort of sense to me. But now it feels like my brain cannot accept any ambivalence and tries to force me to make my attraction to females more than it really is and makes me feel guilty about my relationship because I cannot say with a 100% certainty that I will never fall in love with a woman. I know I don't have to, but it feels like I cannot go on with my life without solving this.. I have been on a waiting list for CBT and ERP for over a year now (I am from Germany, Therapy is free but hard to find the right place). I don't know if I will ever hear something from that therapist tbh.. but I have been doing great progress with ocd workbooks, podcasts and self-directed ERP. Before I saw the Video of Alayna I almost thought I got over HOCD. I struggled with some other themes and a general anxious thinking pattern, but HOCD never really bothered me anymore :/ but we got this, we know how to handle the thoughts ✌ I certainly won't download tiktok and I also blocked reddit from all my devices, that helped me a lot!

sofia

Date posted: 5y

@thinkingismyfighting Thanks for sharing that to me

sofia

Date posted: 5y

It's a rollercoaster really, sometimes it doesn't bother me as mush as it did in the past, sometimes it hits me like a train. Thank you for sharing that btw, you made me feel less lonely

sofia

Date posted: 5y

And the video girls talking about breakups that turned them gay also used to trigger me so much, i deleted my tik tok account for this because my ocd got worse from that video (in june/july i think) until now

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond