Last month I was sexually assaulted by a friend. I have been dating my bf for 4 years. I told my bf immediately when I found out, but when I found out the truth about what happened to me while I was passed out drunk that night, my OCD flared out of control. I was definitely having symptoms of PTSD before my friend had told me what happened. I had a flashback to him on top of me, and that's all I remembered. I had thrown the clothes I wore in the wash already so I can not use them as evidence. I didnt get a rape kit done, but I had a physical last week and I am clean of any STDs or STIs thankfully. And he apparently used a condom. Now I am constantly having intrusive thoughts about that night and how my boyfriend views me now. He said he loves me and wants to do whatever he can to help me heal, but my OCD monster keeps trying to tell me that he is only here because he feels bad for me. My bf was not there the night I was assaulted, and he feels guilty that he should have been there to protect me. I feel unlovable and like I have zero confidence now. My skin picking and hair plucking OCD is worse than ever, I cant calm myself without using some sort of meditation/hypnosis. I am working through therapy every week. I just want this feeling to be over. I keep reliving that night having intense intrusive thoughts about if I "wanted it", how I could have prevented this, how could I let this happen to me, and that I deserved this somehow. As if this is karma for bad things my OCD has driven me to do in the past while I had obsessive episodes.

Thank you for this, this made me feel warm and fuzzy. I feel like I found a community in here and can share what happemed to me. My family and my boyfriend are being very supportive if my healing process. I know ill be okay with time, but my OCD is trying to say, "well what did you expect, you are bad and you got too drunk" or "this is karma". Its so hard to try and juggle PTSD and OCD thoughts at the same time. I feel like I can find community on this app though, I want to be okay so badly.

@BunnyMama OCD will make your intrusive thoughts your worst fears, but that doesn’t mean that there is any truth behind them. It’s a monster that makes your mind a nightmare. The key is to not force it out. Thoughts are only scary when we apply meaning to them or mistake them for reality. Just because you had a thought doesn’t make it true. I want you to be okay badly too, but look at yourself from a different perspective...if your friend was in your place, you would be much more compassionate to them for needing time to heal & get better. These things take some time, & you are more than deserving of time❤️❤️I’m very happy you have a wonderful support system. You always are welcome & safe to share in this community.

Thank you, I'm trying to tell myself this as much as possible. The OCD monster inside me wants me to belive that I am bad and that I deserved this in every possible way. The fact that I also have a boyfriend who I love very much just makes everything harder. I want to be loving and intimate with him, but I can't stop thinking about that night