I don’t understand why my mind keeps accusing me of this. I acted on a compulsion and saw videos of gay people knowing they were gay. They always knew but for me the only time I’ve ever been attracted has been to women. Even now my mind is saying that I’ve forced myself to like women. I wish I could just end this all already and be happy with my sexuality. I still only feel attracted to women but my can’t let it go. I feel horrible for my girlfriend because I don’t want to lose her. I wish I was single so I could suffer alone. I was told by a bisexual man that I would fuck a man if I was drunk. I’m so scared to even consider drinking at this point. Ever since I was kid I loved women but now my mind is bringing up things and saying a kid I noticed that was a guy means I liked him and wanted him even though I actually only liked his sister. I slightly wanna cry but my girlfriend lives with me so I just walk around with this sadness. I wish I could just stop so badly. It’s convincing I’m denial and I can’t even notice another guy right now with out getting a wave of anxiety. I wish my therapy session wasn’t so far from now. I want to start so badly. I want to learn how to combat these thoughts so badly.

I haven’t started yet as it’s on the 21st and I just wish it would happen sooner. I wish I didn’t have these obsessive thoughts. I feel stupid and even more stupid because I love my girlfriend but I can recognize with an ex I had that I loved her so much and had ROCD although I just barely found this out. I want to learn to control my OCD because it’s ruined my life so many times before. I could never believe my self when I said I loved my Mom until she finally passed away and it killed me inside. I wish I didn’t have this disorder because it hurts me so much. I just wish I was normal. I wish I could properly. I wish I could enjoy being with my girlfriend properly and not fearing the thoughts attacking me during our intimate moments. I wish so much.

@Lost Mexico 00 I had your theme and lost a partner because of it. I understand exactly where you’re coming from here. But I also got treatment, overcame that theme, and now it no longer effects my relationships, and I am in a different one now that has been long term. You are not abnormal. Everything you’re describing is 100% normal for people with OCD. Our brains are a little different but learning to work with them is possible and so is long term recovery. I’m so glad you’re getting help soon. In the meantime: be more kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself each day with good food, enough sleep, plenty of water, and plenty of self compassion. This isn’t easy! But you’re doing the best with what you’ve got right now. It will be okay.