hello! i just wanted to share a little progress/ good insight on my HOCD :) lately, i’ve been struggling with the thought of “what if i’m a lesbian? even though i thought i was boy crazy all my life, what if i was doing it to male validation? was it comphet?” and i started to reevaluate all my past feelings for men. after going through the most significant ones in my life, i noticed a pattern in how distorted the interpretation of my thoughts were. aka, i saw how my HOCD didn’t make any sense! and i reminded myself that it was my OCD acting up, and i almost laughed and thought to myself “damn, HOCD, you almost had me there” 😂 and with that sense of humor i felt some relief! like with my first crush, i remember the way he made me feel even though i was a little kid! i would feel so excited to see him, feel so shy and have butterflies around him, and i would want to spend time with him and imagine being romantic with him... but then my ROCD makes me think i’m not attracted to men?? LOL then in middle school, i did have “boyfriends” just to have a boyfriend, but when i think about my middle school boyfriend that i really liked, i know being with him wasnt for male validation. i actually wanted to be with him! then when i remember seeing him in the hallway for the first time, those great feelings of infatuation came up! my OCD made me think i only liked the idea of him, but he was different from the others. i really did like him! then in high school, my boyfriend had a crush on me and was the one who approached me. my OCD mind made me think i only liked him because he liked me first, but then i remembered how i felt when other people liked me, but i didn’t share those same feelings. with this boyfriend, it was different. i know i really liked being with him! i loved spending time with him. then in college, i did kinda fall in love with one person because of the idea of him. and even though the relationship had many bad points, i could rationalize through it calmly, not like how my OCD is attacking my brain now! and i know that with my current partner, ROCD hit me when i was at my happiest with him. the thoughts literally made no sense rationally, but i always kept telling myself, they have to mean something if they’re here! but they don’t. they’re just thoughts, and i am choosing not to believe them. i still get worried about how real my intrusive thoughts and ocd urges feel, especially if i’m around my partner, but the moments i feel really loved and connected with him feel 100% real too ❤️🥰 and now i’m realizing i’ve had many boyfriends LOL and i’ve never seriously had those thoughts and feelings about a girl. just identity or friend crushes, people i thought were cool and wanted to be more like! it’s funny how your OCD makes you question things you were so sure about and never really considered, but when you’re in that OCD cycle, it feels so hard to get out of it, but progress is possible!! also, my friend who sees an OCD specialist said to set an alarm every hour (if possible), and think about intrusive thoughts for 10-20 seconds, and then go on to normal thoughts (like whats for dinner? what are my plans for today?) etc! it’s different from suppression bc you know the thoughts are there, but you don’t ruminate and allow it to stop you from enjoying your day!