sleep has been very hard for me lately i feel like during the day if im around my mom or sister i feel better i have distractions but sleep is so hard my thoughts wont rest the death stuff is so intense when i go to bed and especially when i wake up its like the first thought there of like youre lucky you woke up like this is another day youre alive but one day you wont wake up and one day your loved ones wont wake up but once i see my family in the morning and have breakfast with them i tend to calm down but at night i need a mouth guard, weighted blanket, lavendar lotion, a white noise machine, a sleep eye mask, melatonin and lately i even have pulled out my childhood blanket because im that desperate for night time comfort my mortality is a big theme on top of my sexuality in all regards like a mystery i never stop trying to solve the p*** theme is the only thing that makes me go well this has to be ocd because i mean i definitely cant be that but i think ive been using ocd as a new compulsion to comfort myself like oh its ocd that theme is common for ocd you are doing the ocd thing again... and yeah i get incest related stuff, was i molested related stuff, am i gay, am i a p***... i think for me like maybe a lot of people on here have had relationships and sex but for me i havent so i think i always start with that like reminders of my loneliness and virginity and just lack of milestones and experiences make me go down those paths to find the answer there has to be answer of why im like this and roads are endless asexual, bi, gay, p*** and so on and it all pushes on me at night something about sleep has always been hard... the idea of getting relaxed and just letting your mind lose consciousness that has been a challenge since i was in middle school maybe even before ive found ways to deal with it like taking melatonin, zquil, weed (a few times), falling asleep to tv or just like if i have a good routine sleep was better like exercise and going home exhausted enough to sleep but yeah idk i think because i know im supposed to be doing erps on my own i get nervous about a new day when im supposed to read stuff i dont want to read and i feel guilty that i havent done the exercises as much as i shouldve especially as my next therapy appointment is two days away and yeah but mostly im just tired i take melatonin but i dont get nice rest ... i dont wake up rested i wake up ready to throw myself into distraction i will say during the day it feels pretty easy to drown out the thoughts compared to last month when i had three bad episodes but since starting this app and therapy i guess i have used that as reassurance that my thoughts are wrong because i have a condition and during the day i can fight that but at night and right when i wake up i guess im at my weakest? anyway just a long vent but yeah thought id share im hoping to get good sleep soon 🙏