- Username
- Wishingforpeace
- Date posted
- 4y ago
That’s good ol ocd for you. It is horrible. I can relate to this so incredibly hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this 😔 you’re not alone. I struggle with pure O and POCD too and I have a daughter of my own. My ocd has latched onto her like a leech and it’s so debilitating.
Thank you so much for the response! If you don’t mind me asking, have you figured out anything that helps? I love my daughter and I don’t want this to keep causing me so much pain. I want to be able to look at her without feeling guilty. I keep telling myself I have done nothing but than I go over scenarios again and again- I hope things get better for you❤️
It's so difficult when it's your own children. I have "checked" many times with my own meaning I would purposely put my hand on his bum and move it to see if I felt anything Then because I checked afterwards my ocd would be like .. oh you checked that means you wanted to do it and so you are a molester etc I asked my therapist and she insists this something that happens alot with checking but I still beat my self up and think but I actually acted on the thought, it so scary
I'm sorry this is so hard for us all. Being a mom with Pocd is exhausting and painful.
You’re a mother with pocd as well?
Yes. With other themes too. I've had it my whole life. The primary intrusive thoughts are not super upsetting for me anymore, I'm pretty used to them. It'ss more the doubt and guilt and shame around it and how I react to it that is really hard, if that makes any sense. I've had a major OCD flare up the past three months. Being isolated at home has not helped.
I’m so sorry 😞 this is literally a nightmare. I feel like a prisoner in my own head. I don’t wish this upon anyone. But I’m so glad we aren’t alone. How old are your children and how old are you?
Oh wow you have a daughter too! How old is she? And how old are you! I love finding other moms that struggle with the same themes. Hate that you’re struggling, wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. But glad I’m not alone ❤️ misery loves company right? Lol. I wish I could be of more help but I’m still navigating this myself. It goes in waves. Every time I get over one obsession a new and worse one seems to present itself. 😔 I suppose my advice would be to stop them before they begin. Cut out the rumination right from the get go. I notice the more I ruminate the worse and more scary the thoughts get. I know it’s easier said than done. But Everytime I start entertaining thoughts and digging deeper into the corners of my mind the worse it gets. I wish I would have just cut them before they began.
I’m 25 and my daughter just turned 1! What about you and your daughter? And I definitely agree it is so nice not to feel alone ❤️ I can definitely definitely agree with as soon as one goes a new worse one comes along. One moment I’m almost laughing at myself for the thought bc I know I would never do anything than the next I’m practically shaking in a ball
@kaitw I’m 29 and my daughter just turned 1 too! When was her birthday? You’re not alone! I’m seriously going through the same exact thing. Are you in therapy or on medication? How long have you been dealing with ocd?
@Freemeofocd September 2nd☺️ what about yours? I’m not in therapy or on medication. I want to start very soon but I’m scared. I’m scared if I tell the therapist what I worry about they will think I’m not a good mom. I know they will understand it’s ocd but at the same time I don’t 🙃 Have you tried any medication or therapy? I need to do something soon or I’ll lose my mind
@kaitw Wow my daughters birthday is September 5th! So cool. Where are you guys located? I just started medication a few weeks ago, I’m on 50 mg of Zoloft. I can notice a small improvement, but not much. It does take a while to reap the full benefits of the medication though. So I’m hoping I will feel them within the next week or so. And I have my first therapy appt through kaiser today with a licensed marriage family therapist. I’m not gonna disclose the nitty gritty details of my POCD, not yet anyways. I don’t want them to worry about me not being a good mom either. I think I’m gonna be very vague. But I scheduled an appt through NOCD with an ocd specialist that’s scheduled in about a week from now. I think I’ll save the details for someone who is specialized in OCD for fear of them not understanding or misenterpreting me.
@Freemeofocd I’m so glad you responded lol I feel like we are in the same crappy boat 😩 I’m in Pennsylvania what about you? Please let me know how it goes with the specialist - I don’t know how to explain my thoughts bc I’m so embarrassed but I know that I need to talk to a professional to get better.. if you don’t mind me asking- when did your ocd really start with you and your daughter? Mine was randomly after changing her when she was a few weeks but I was able to quickly overcome it. Then a few weeks ago it came back SO much stronger
@kaitw I know I’m so glad I found you! Lol I feel so much less alone. This is literally the worst thing in the world. It makes sense the ocd would attach to our daughters because we love them so much. They say it attacks what you love. I had some pocd when I was a teenager but I didn’t know that’s what it was. So when I got pregnant it was always kind of at the back of my mind. And then when I had her it was kind of at the back of my mind. It kind of just lingered in the background up until about a month ago. I read a really horrible police report at work ( I work in a criminal defense law firm) and that night when I got home I was launched into the worst episode of my life. That story really freaked me out and triggered me. It made me feel like if that person is capable, so am I. I was also obsessed over the fact that one wrong move could land you in jail for the rest of your life (again, because of where I work). I had also been reading more about erp and ocd and how you should t avoid certain things because of your ocd, you should live your life as if you don’t have ocd. So I jumped the gun that night, of all nights, and tried to do erp on my own and it completely backfired. I always avoided holding my daughter a certain way with my hand between her legs. I would see people carry their children like that all of the time but I never would for fear that it would cause me to question my intent. But that night I needed to guide her down into her crib with one arm supporting her and that would require me to have my hand in between her legs. I thought damn if only I would guide her down that way. And I said why couldn’t I? The only thing stopping me is my fear. So I did it without second thought and immediately was overcome with so much guilt and distress. I could barely function or eat or anything for a month. I did the exposure part but not the most important part which is response prevention. I immediately started questioning why I did it, what was my intent, what was my motive behind it. I felt like I acted on the urge. It was miserable. And It lasted an entire month. Right when I was finally starting to feel better from it and move forward, I fell asleep with my daughter in my arms and my hand on her stomach. I had a sexual dream where I almost had an orgasm. I woke up before I did thank goodness. But the dream started off normal and then I started to feel and smell my daughter (which would make sense because she was laying on me) and in the dream I feel like I pulled her into me and smelled her. I woke up before having an orgasm and we were laying exactly how we were when we fell asleep. But I am so disturbed by the dream and the fact that I could feel her and smell her while I was having a sexual dream. I don’t know if I actually pulled her into me or if I just imagined I did In my dream and that’s what woke me up. It’s really really bothering me. I know it was just a dream but because I was holding her I’m worried that She played a part in the dream somehow. I can’t shake it. I’ve been ruminating and replaying it over and over again and it’s getting more and more foggy. It’s a dream! It was foggy to begin with. So you can only imagine the type of hell im experiencing with it.
@Freemeofocd Ahh it’s like you are living my life - I was recently triggered by reading an article about a child being abused and I just started thinking about how horrible it was and if I was capable as well. It has me going back over every moment of my life where I’ve been around kids and second guessing everything I’ve done. I think I’m going to sign up for therapy on here too because I can’t cope. I feel like I’m at rock bottom. I would never hurt myself because of my family and my daughter but I feel like I don’t know know how much longer I can go on like this
@kaitw I would love to connect with you off of the app if you feel comfortable, I’ll give you my number and you can text me and we can exchange social media maybe? Let me know so I can delete my number as soon as I post it lol
@Freemeofocd Did you get it!? Let me know so I can delete it
I’m so sorry you feel this way :( I wiped my daughter twice to make sure I didn’t do anything I wasn’t suppose to the first time than freaked because I double wiped. Compulsions are for reassurance but often make it worse in my case 😔 does talking to a therapist help? I’m really desperate to find someone to help me
I'm 44, I have two kids in highschool and one in first grade.
We just started the school year online. It's been weird.
I've been on meds for years, they definitely help. If you find a therapist who specializes in OCD, I can't imagine they'll be shocked by what's going through your head. I've been in therapy a long time too, but it's only recently I've learned about ERP. Haven't done that yet. My therapist does do CBT though and was familiar with OCD to begin with, and wasn't shocked by what was in my head. She's been very helpful, we just haven't done formal ERP. I don't think she's trained in it, but does more cognitive restructuring, changing how you think about yourself and choices you are making in your life.
What medication are you on?
Sertraline and Wellbutrin. Just started Wellbutrin about a month ago.
I’m on sertraline too. How many mg?
Full dose of 200. Higher doses work best for OCD, I've read. I've been on it a long time too, so may not be as effective anymore. How much do you take?
I just started so I’m only on 100 and it’s only been for about 3 weeks. I want to up it already lol
It's always worked very well for me. I think in the beginning I took 150 for lots of years. Then decreased when I had my babies. Mostly been at 100 or 150 for the last 10 years. Only recently back up to 200 again. It's kind of a juggling act!
I have this image that comes to my mind without a warning. In this Image, I touch a child inappropiately to an inappropiate area. Im not afraid of doing something bad to a child, but Im afraid of this image because it brings along the high anxiety as it makes me doubt if I d i d something bad. It feels almost true. Because of this I used to avoid changing nappies, washing our baby etc. My compulsion was, and somewhat still is, avoidance of certain situations+ rumination. Have noticed counting to be one as well (almost like keeping track of time, or mind busy when being in a situation that I know the image may pop in my head) Have learned to avoid both of these but after the image Im left with anxiety, which turns to sadness, feeling very low. I used to have these daily when our child was a baby and still when she was a toddler, now the image comes may be once in two weeks. Still every time Im left with this same lowness. I had this kind of moment yesterday and again it feels almost true- what if I did touch her. Does anybody have similar situation? Also, if there is professional on the line, I would like to start Erp. I don't know how to proceed without support. Thank you beforehand for any advice.
Is it possible to act on a thought but not have its intention? Like when I changed my baby girl, the thoughts kept telling me to wipe her in a specific area over and over again, I even had thoughts that were agreeing with the others like “yeah I do but I can’t” “yeah I like it” yadda yadda. I wiped her again over and over as the thoughts said but does that mean I had that intention? Or did my thoughts make me believe I did when I had a mental breakdown over it after and even now. Uncertainty is the worst because I feel like I committed an evil thing but I can’t remember my intentions because I’m an idiot and when I panicked while I grabbed her clean diaper to put back on her I forcibly made myself forget it. So I’m just wondering if that’s even possible. To wipe again out of impulse of thinking it not because of the thoughts’ intention. I’m not like that this I know because I can bathe and change them just fine today. However I’m more mindful now to hurry when change or bathe them so I don’t get in my head again. I’m just wondering here. Because I still havent let the event go and it was months ago. I had a brief period where I let it go and felt fine but it always comes back. I’m a good man with a good heart and big one at that. Especially for my baby girls. So let me know if this is even possible. I’m losing my sanity.
Does anyone have false memory/real event OCD around the fear of being abused as a child? I know logically I wasn’t, but I recently had a random memory pop up from childhood, that my brain started thinking about and worrying that maybe I was abused. It has now turned into an absolutely horrible OCD obsession and I feel so alone. It consumes my mind 24/7. I KNOW the thought isn’t real, but I keep worrying what if I have repressed memories that I just forgot about? I never once have had the thought that I was abused. I have a wonderful relationship with this person and my biggest fear is believing this thought and ruining my life as well as there’s. It’s extremely scary
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