Checks time Yep, seems like the perfect time for a 2:00 am depressive episode. This is very triggering and me documenting my own experience so please read with caution. I don't feel anything anymore. I am dead inside. Very little brings me joy. I cry about five times a day. I feel nauseous often. This is about the time I start leaving relationships. Cutting off friendships. Locking myself away in my room. Eating less. Losing interest in hobbies... breathing. I just don't care anymore. I am exhausted with reality, I am exhausted with this painful joke of an existence I have. I don't even know if it is OCD anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so massively fucked up inside. For some reason, I am somewhat convinced that maybe I secretly am just a really malicious person. That the thoughts I have had are valid (Harm OCD) and say something about my character. The funny thing is, I'm not even actively having the intrusive thoughts lately but just the fact that I have had them bothers me. And I feel like my brain is always on defense, ready to fend them away when they do come. "Do I love him? How do I know I love him?Do I really love people? Why am I here? What is wrong with me? How do I fix this issue? Why is this happening to me? Am I making it all up? Am I crazy? Maybe I'm a psychopath... maybe these thoughts keep coming up because hurting people is the only thing that will make me feel alive and good again...god, I don't want to hurt people--" And the list goes on. The dialogue is incessant and pervasive so much so that I can't even hear it anymore. My mind is like an active beehive and I have to cope with the insufferable buzzing that permeates through my skull 24/7. I can't pinpoint any particular thoughts anymore because it is just a constant hum of activity and chaos. My skin is crawling because of what is nestled inside. I am so incredibly uncomfortable right now in my own body, like never before. I feel like my body is an itchy wool sweater I'm squirming to get out of. I just want to take a vacation from my own mind. Why is my brain doing this to me? Why won't it ever allow me to be happy? I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel safe and comfortable within my own mind and body again. Is that so much to ask for? Anyways, this is already a novel but I figured it is better to let it out than go to bed sobbing. NOCD has become my Livejournal (if you're over the age of 20, you probably got that reference). Have a decent Thursday... May we all overcome this demon and many more. 👹⚔

Date posted: 5y

I can relate with so much of what you shared! Especially the " I don't even know if its is OCD anymore." But all we can do is keep on trying every day. It is hard as hell. My mind feels like it is always buzzing also. Remember the dark days pass. Sending strength & virtual hugs because you are not alone!

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

Thank you friend! It has been especially brutal recently (as you can tell from my practically a diary entry). I'm being kind to myself today and gonna go do something I enjoy!

inrainbows

Date posted: 5y

Sending support and love!

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

Thank you. ❤❤❤

aaron909

Date posted: 5y

Sending prayers and love

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

Thank you! 💜💜💜

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

I feel like I could've written this myself. I relate to every single thing. Its scares me. I wish with all my heart to be a good person. But these thoughts make me doubt I am. I dont want to be a bad person, I wanna be normal and be with my son and family

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

We just have to remember that our actions are what we are defined by, not fleeting thoughts and feelings. I'm planning on doing a meditation with the app Insight Timer. It has thousands of free meditations that help me take a vacation from the chaos occasionally. I'm also going to force myself to do some exercise because I know for certain I will feel better. I'm not going to say I'll get through this because I honestly don't know but I can say I am damn well going to try.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Kelsey I agree. Once I get settled into my new place, Im going to go all in on recovery. I also have ptsd from my brother's physical abuse towards me. So they feed off of each other. Ill be eith my son more now, so I really want to recover

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

@luchalysol Best of luck to you, you can do it. Remember, the only way out is through! ❤

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Kelsey Thank you! Best of luck to you too! 💚💚

ARTnotOCD

Date posted: 5y

Sending comfort and strength your way. And you made this over-20-yo smile with a LiveJournal reference. 💜

K-Dizzle

Date posted: 5y

Thanks so much. Who'da thunk I feel better after getting proper sleep. 🤦‍♀️

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