- Username
- Freemeofocd
- Date posted
- 4y ago
You are not alone I am a mother of two baby girls and have been struggling with this it's super uncomfortable and not many people understand
I’m so sorry 😩 I don’t wish this upon anyone. How old are your daughters and how old are you? How long have you been battling with this theme of pocd?
Stop figuring it out - that’s rumination and that’s a compulsion
I knowww it’s my hardest hardest compulsion to overcome. How do you stop it!
@Freemeofocd It’s pretty simple, actually. The problem is you’re TERRIFIED. You can stop. But you’ll then feel super scared. And you give in and stop figuring it out. You probably have one of the following justifications for ruminating: 1. It’ll help me figure something out 2. If I don’t, something bad will happen 3. It’ll make me feel better So, which one are you using?
@Suleman I would say 1 and 3, mainly. But a combo of all 3 honestly.
@Freemeofocd Well ok. Let’s look at it case by case. Justification number 1 is wrong - if anything you’re MORE confused. Justification 2 is wrong - you’ve just never stopped ruminating long enough to see nothing bad happens. Justification 3 is wrong - you feel like crap. So you can stop ruminating. And you can ACCEPT those bad feelings that’ll come with that choice. You will be scared. It’ll be terrifying. Your brain will throw up any thought or feeling to try and get that crack, that heroin (the compulsion). You can FEEL it. And you can feel it deeply, and make the choice that will help you in the long run
@Suleman This is some good stuff. Thank you. I really want to do a compulsion right now but reading this stops me. Thanks.
Ever since I was a kid I was sexually abused when I was younger and have always loved kids and wanted to work with kids my whole life. Basically having my own kids was a huge dream of mine but when I was younger and volunteering in my parents church I told my mom I felt wrong being around the children like I was gonna harm them in some way and she made me stop going. It hurt me more that I couldn't be around them and I never understood why I felt so wrong. Right now my children are 1 and 2 years old and have this year finally found out that I'm not a horrible monster whose wanting to sexually abuse them but infact I'm such a caring and loving mother that I am scared of them going through the same things that I have to the point where I interjected myself into my own phobia of being the one who is or will do it. I have had to put them in their room days where I'd be having panic attacks from the overwhelming thoughts but now that I know I'm not alone and that it's just my mind and past abuse controlling it I feel so much better and now I can just let the thought leave my mind as soon as it comes up. I still remove myself from them if the anxiety from it comes back up too hardcore but ultimately I've been able to finally realize that I am not the horrible monster I thought I was and that I love children so much and want to protect them so much that I even want to protect them from myself when my thoughts take over me. I have finally chalked it up to the fact that someone struggling with this is safer with kids in some ways because they just want to protect them at all costs even if it means you can't be with the ones you love most. And that in itself has significantly helped me heal more than I've even realized. Also there's such a thing as postpartum ocd which most people hear as thoughts of harming their child like chunking them down the stairs when they're crying and then freaking out at yourself but not many people talk about these type of thoughts. It's okay. You're not the one whose wrong here. The fact that you are scared of your own dream proves that you love your child so much that you would never ever want to harm them. ❤️ You're not alone
My heart breaks for you. It must be so hard to deal with such disturbing thoughts. I dont know how to comfort you without giving you assurance. The obvious answer is that you have to accept uncertainty. You have to say this situation might or might not mean something but I don't care ocd. I will live my life. But I know it is hard to do. I am a mom so I understand how terrible you just feel about yourself. Hang in there. I am confident that once you start therapy you will get better. I had pocd 12 years ago. For whatever reason I was able to overcome it pretty quick. I didn't have children then. I just told myself it is ocd it is not me for a while. And then just like that I got over pocd. Just want to encourage you that you will get better. Stay strong for your daughter. Sometimes when I am super anxious I watch TV and that takes the edge off. Do something to distract yourself.
I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.
So last night I had a dream that had a harm thought in it about hurting my cat and I had a reaction. Like you know how people sleep walk well I woke up to me swinging my arm over trying to grab her. I woke up and was like :0 and then went back to bed not really caring just was like that is an interesting thought. When I sung my arm over though she was walking past me. Now I’m convinced I was trying to act out my thought and I wanted it and that makes me so horrible. Has anyone had this?!?
I just woke up from a dream where I was helping with someone’s baby, and I was excited to help them change their diaper. I don’t think I had evil intentions in the dream because I didn’t think anything creepy, but it makes me feel weird that I was excited. I think I was just excited to help with the baby but I also in the dream was nervous because I didn’t want to look at their privates. My mom was with me and I was asking her questions about what to do, so it makes me feel better she was with me like I really didn’t have evil intentions. But it still makes me feel uncomfortable and I woke up before actually going near their diaper. I feel anxious and my heart is racing because I feel like I wasn’t in a deep sleep and like I was fantasizing. I in real like have zero desire to go near a baby and I know I would be too afraid to help change a diaper. But also now I keep having images of them without the diaper in my head and it feels like I’m fantasizing. I don’t care about a child’s privates, it’s none of my business. I think the only reason I had this dream is because I worry with intrusive thoughts about harming children a lot in the day. But I’ve been up a lot of the night and again makes me worried that I wasn’t all the way asleep and was enjoying it. People have told me not to pay attention to dreams but it’s just hard not to.
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