You guys I need to let this go! I’m driving myself crazy over a dream. I don’t know how to let it go. I had a sexual dream while I was holding my daughter. It was about normal things and then i felt like I was about to have a sleep orgasm and then I started to smell her and feel her(because I was smelling her and feeling her, she was laying on me) and had a vision of pulling her into me, and smelling her head-then I jolted awake. I did not have an orgasm, and I woke up and she was asleep. But Im having this fear that would if she was the reason I was turned on to begin with in the dream? Would if I didn’t wake up quick enough? Would if I did actually go to pull her into me, and it wasn’t just the dream? I’m so disturbed and I want to let it go!!!! I wanna let it go so badly. As soon as it happened I said okay it was a dream, don’t ruminate. And then I fucked up and came back to it a few hours later and started to ruminate and now I’m stuck in the rabbit hole. Would if it wasn’t a dream? Would if I had some level of consciousness and knew what I was doing? Would if I enjoyed it? I’m having such a hard time! I just wanna move on from it.

sierrapanda

Date posted: 5y

You are not alone I am a mother of two baby girls and have been struggling with this it's super uncomfortable and not many people understand

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

I’m so sorry 😩 I don’t wish this upon anyone. How old are your daughters and how old are you? How long have you been battling with this theme of pocd?

Suleman

Date posted: 5y

Stop figuring it out - that’s rumination and that’s a compulsion

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

I knowww it’s my hardest hardest compulsion to overcome. How do you stop it!

Suleman

Date posted: 5y

@Freemeofocd It’s pretty simple, actually. The problem is you’re TERRIFIED. You can stop. But you’ll then feel super scared. And you give in and stop figuring it out. You probably have one of the following justifications for ruminating: 1. It’ll help me figure something out 2. If I don’t, something bad will happen 3. It’ll make me feel better So, which one are you using?

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

@Suleman I would say 1 and 3, mainly. But a combo of all 3 honestly.

Suleman

Date posted: 5y

@Freemeofocd Well ok. Let’s look at it case by case. Justification number 1 is wrong - if anything you’re MORE confused. Justification 2 is wrong - you’ve just never stopped ruminating long enough to see nothing bad happens. Justification 3 is wrong - you feel like crap. So you can stop ruminating. And you can ACCEPT those bad feelings that’ll come with that choice. You will be scared. It’ll be terrifying. Your brain will throw up any thought or feeling to try and get that crack, that heroin (the compulsion). You can FEEL it. And you can feel it deeply, and make the choice that will help you in the long run

Meof3

Date posted: 5y

@Suleman This is some good stuff. Thank you. I really want to do a compulsion right now but reading this stops me. Thanks.

sierrapanda

Date posted: 5y

Ever since I was a kid I was sexually abused when I was younger and have always loved kids and wanted to work with kids my whole life. Basically having my own kids was a huge dream of mine but when I was younger and volunteering in my parents church I told my mom I felt wrong being around the children like I was gonna harm them in some way and she made me stop going. It hurt me more that I couldn't be around them and I never understood why I felt so wrong. Right now my children are 1 and 2 years old and have this year finally found out that I'm not a horrible monster whose wanting to sexually abuse them but infact I'm such a caring and loving mother that I am scared of them going through the same things that I have to the point where I interjected myself into my own phobia of being the one who is or will do it. I have had to put them in their room days where I'd be having panic attacks from the overwhelming thoughts but now that I know I'm not alone and that it's just my mind and past abuse controlling it I feel so much better and now I can just let the thought leave my mind as soon as it comes up. I still remove myself from them if the anxiety from it comes back up too hardcore but ultimately I've been able to finally realize that I am not the horrible monster I thought I was and that I love children so much and want to protect them so much that I even want to protect them from myself when my thoughts take over me. I have finally chalked it up to the fact that someone struggling with this is safer with kids in some ways because they just want to protect them at all costs even if it means you can't be with the ones you love most. And that in itself has significantly helped me heal more than I've even realized. Also there's such a thing as postpartum ocd which most people hear as thoughts of harming their child like chunking them down the stairs when they're crying and then freaking out at yourself but not many people talk about these type of thoughts. It's okay. You're not the one whose wrong here. The fact that you are scared of your own dream proves that you love your child so much that you would never ever want to harm them. ❤️ You're not alone

Meof3

Date posted: 5y

My heart breaks for you. It must be so hard to deal with such disturbing thoughts. I dont know how to comfort you without giving you assurance. The obvious answer is that you have to accept uncertainty. You have to say this situation might or might not mean something but I don't care ocd. I will live my life. But I know it is hard to do. I am a mom so I understand how terrible you just feel about yourself. Hang in there. I am confident that once you start therapy you will get better. I had pocd 12 years ago. For whatever reason I was able to overcome it pretty quick. I didn't have children then. I just told myself it is ocd it is not me for a while. And then just like that I got over pocd. Just want to encourage you that you will get better. Stay strong for your daughter. Sometimes when I am super anxious I watch TV and that takes the edge off. Do something to distract yourself.

Anonymous

Date posted: 24w

Posting again cause still feeling awful

I have a fear that i intentionally put a thought of my baby girl in my head during sex.. i dont know what happened anymore, was that intrusive, what happened at all, i just cant remember, everything is fuzzy... Only thing i know for sure is that i dont feel anything sexual towards my daughter and that is the only thing im certain of... Anyone had similiar experience and what has helped you move on? Im stuck with this terrible feelings for 5 days now..

Anonymousssssss

Date posted: 22w

Can someone please offer words of advice :(

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared

Sunshinemomma17

Date posted: 13w

I acted on my intrusive thought in a half-asleep state and I don’t know how to live with the guilt

Hi everyone, This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I’ve struggled with POCD for a while — intrusive thoughts that go against everything I believe in. I’ve never acted on them before. I’ve always been terrified of them and done everything to avoid them. But something happened the other night that I can’t stop replaying, and it’s tearing me apart. I was in that in-between state — not fully asleep, not fully awake. I was dreaming that something was “okay,” and in that moment, I moved my child’s hand toward me in a way I now feel completely ashamed of. I wasn’t aware of fully choosing it, but I remember it. I remember that it felt like I was following the dream, like my brain said it was okay. And the part I can’t stop obsessing over — that’s destroying me — is that in the dream, my child said, “no.” That moment makes me feel like the worst human being on the planet. I don’t know if he said it out loud or if it was part of the dream. But it felt real, and now I feel broken. I love my child more than anything. The fact that this happened — even in a foggy, dreamlike state — makes me feel like I crossed an unforgivable line. I’m not here to excuse it. I’m not here to get reassurance that it didn’t happen. I’m just trying to find someone — anyone — who has experienced something like this. Acting or moving in a way during sleep or semi-consciousness that your waking self would never do. I don’t know how to live with this guilt. I feel sick, ashamed, and like I’ve ruined everything. Please be kind. I’ve never felt more alone in my life, and I don’t know how to move forward from this.

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