god im not sure which is worse like being afraid that im gay or that im asexual like i get so sad thinking about the fact that i may never have fulfilling sex or even great kisses or love and that i will die alone and that when i look back on my youth it will have been waisted my body will only be youthful and nice for a while and ive already waisted so many years but the idea of like okay i go on a date i go back to their place like what do i do from there? do we just make out immediately? that just seems weird to me like i want there to be build up to that and intense chemistry but i feel like now a days if you arent like full blown hooking up by the first or second date or at the latest the third then the guy starts to think youre weird and i hate that im like this like i wish i could just hook up with someone meaninglessly and not be all in my head because i do have wants and needs everytime i masterbate i feel reassured of my sex drive and my orientation and thats why its just always been easier to read erotic fiction and take care of my needs on my own but then i go if i was gay would it be easier to like be intimate maybe this is hard because im gay like its either asexual or gay or bisexual like there has to be an explenation for the way my life is and how hard intimacy and romance has always been for me i just feel like something is wrong with me something is broken but i want love i want sex but when i actually have to go for it i freak out even with making out... so many what if questions... what if my body is gross to them? what if im a horrible kisser? what if i want it at first and change my mind but they rape me? what if im bad at it? what if my breath is bad? what if they notice i have no experience and make me leave and humiliate me? what if i find out that i am asexual or gay while on the date? what if they like me more than i like them? what if i like them more than they like me? what if its just awkward and humiliating for both of us because i have no idea what im doing? i do want to have sex but im also extremely afraid of sex and intimacy which i hear is what asexual people sound like and that freaks me out because i dont want to die a lonely virgin i dont want to be asexual i do want connection and intimacy its just also the most terrifying thing in the world to me and im too old for that to be okay still... i just imagine that no one will be accepting of me at this stage in my life in terms of having sex... either i will be a fetish or i will be a pitty project or i will be rejected for being a freak i just honestly have no clue... and so ive always just avoided all of it all together but i cant hadle the loneliness anymore can anyone relate? when i read that other people with sexual orientation ocd still have relationships and sex i go okay well then yeah im definitely asexual or gay because if they can actually have those things and i cant then there is more than ocd happening here but then i go well i have death obsessions and pocd but my sexual orientation ocd its like well what if im just asexual or gay with pocd and death ocd like one is being in the closet and the other two are ocd and i just dont know the difference... can anyone relate? i guess im feeling pretty crap tonight 😕 has anyone gone to sex therapy? im feeling like a lost cause

Date posted: 4y

I feel the exact same as you. I do want to be intimate with someone, but whenever I think about it I'm afraid I'll back out of it and realize that I'm bi or gay and it stresses me to the core. I just wanna be normal and have fun while doing it without stressing about what I like and dislike and constantly questioning my sexuality :/

Anonymously

Date posted: 4y

ugh im sorry you are going through this too but it does feel good that someone can relate thanks for the support 🙏

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymously Thank you too☺

Carly0022

Date posted: 3y

I feel the exact same like word for word the exact same. I’m 15 and most kids my age just text online then meet a week later and fuck and it’s just like woah. I wanna be in a relationship but I also like to be alone and I’m just like first of all I have to find someone that will accept me for the way I am then I need to face my fear of it (il fine with everything just kissing and dates scare me) so I need to explain that to them while also wanting to kiss them and go on dates but not all the time because like I said I like to be alone. I want a relationship but I don’t wanna spend all day everyday with someone else and never having alone time. I want a relationship but I don’t wanna be kissed and touched every 5 minutes. But then there parts of me that what to but I’m scared il never find someone that will put up with me and then il be alone forever. And because of all this is making me feel like I’m asexual because I can’t relate to some of the things in the area but none of the labels match me I’m don’t think I’m asexual I’m just scared but I feel like if I just push myself to get in a relationship and try all these things bc I never have them I will know what I like or not but I’m just too scared to. I really don’t know what to do

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

We don’t have the same thing but I’m 15 year old boy and I’m worried that I wanna get pegged and I really don’t wanna but people randomly force you to get pegged in social Media and it ruins my self Esteem

Date posted: 4y

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If something comes your way that you dont want, you have ever right to say no. And whoever's disrespects you for saying no is a person who definitely needs to learn to be better. And whatever you want sexually is completely valid (: if you're afraid it'll change your sexuality, I truly doubt so. Social media triggers me too :/

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

@Jo I was keeping asking my friends as reassurance and they were all weirded out and said no that’s weird but my brain won’t move on

Date posted: 4y

@Ocdscary It's not weird, it's you! Dont let what your friends say decide your insecurities, and remember, you shouldnt seek for reassurance, only confidence☺ you can always talk to me if you like!

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

@Jo I would love to talk you do u have Instagram or anything

Date posted: 4y

@Ocdscary That sounds great! Once I'm out of class I'll be glad to give you my acc and we can talk!

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

@Jo That’s great I can’t wait to talk

Date posted: 4y

@Ocdscary I'm so sorry, my anxiety keeps telling me bad things that'll happen if I give you my account :[ is it okay if we follow eachother here and talk here? It makes me feel better :)

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

@Jo Sure why not

Ugh

Date posted: 4y

@Jo And if u ever wanna talk my account is pouges._ in insta and u don’t need to tell me anything personal about urself

Date posted: 4y

@Ocdscary I'm so sorry I dont want to let you down

Date posted: 4y

@Ocdscary thank you so much! ((: I'm sorry it stresses me out so much :/

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond