For times I was sexually coerced or taken advantage of, I look back and get angry at my perpetrators. Even if it’s years later, I get the urge to find and contact them and get the last word in to establish my power and dominance. I’m not going to, but the urge is there. Is this like an OCD thing to get “closure” and to feel “just right”? Or maybe it’s just anger issues? I sit here blaming them for my mental health issues and trauma and want them to suffer in some way. I went to the police for one years later and of course they say I consented I was just manipulated and they can’t do anything. How do I move on and feel powerful again without wanting to go off on my perpetrators? I wouldn’t actually have the guts to contact them years later and it’s not normal or rational but I just want the urge to go away. I have agoraphobia in my own city and I want to feel safe and powerful again. In my mind currently I think “if I sit here and move on without getting the last word in I am weak”.

I’m not sure if that’s the case. The guy who lured me into a bar basement and then ghosted me and slut shamed me months later won’t ever understand me. I just hate that he’s walking around fine and living his life and I’m here suffering afraid to run into him again in New York. I blame him for my suffering. But I’m trying to believe that karma is a thing. He got banned from being a broker because he defrauded investors hundreds of thousands of dollars so his rep is already crumbling. Somehow he managed to open his own business but is struggling there too. I try not to keep tabs on him too much but that stuff I guess makes me feel better. I haven’t tried writing a letter that I don’t send. My therapy had me write about the account in detail and read it to myself each day for some kind of exposure but it didn’t do much. I may try the letter thing. Thanks!

@Anxiousgirl I dont know if the letter thing is helpful. I just know that sometimes it works for me if someone really hurt me in the past. But it's not the same as your trauma. Worth a shot? Something that helped me in the past as well was imagining what that person's life was like when they were alone. I have some family members who are pretty evil and they LOOK like they have the greatest life on the surface. But I truly believe that their life is not wonderful because they cant be as conniving as they are and also have a clear head as they go to sleep. They must put their head on their pillow and just be wracked with thoughts of either how to do it again and use more family members or who will give them more money next or how to keep others quiet about their awful ways. To me that's no way to live. And though they seem to have a great life, they dont have a peaceful mind either. And as we know, not having a peaceful mind can be torture. I dont wish intrusive thoughts on anyone but what I'm trying to say is those people are not at peace with themselves either.

@catattak You have a great point. I did try and think that people like that guy have their own problems. Maybe he had a bad childhood that made him a cold sociopathic type of person now. It’s so hard to forgive. I just wish I could change my identity sometimes. I don’t like these kind of people knowing me and having the risk of running into people. I know it’s a slim chance and especially in a big city like New York but it does happen. The world is a smaller place than we think sometimes. I guess good exposure for me is to just put myself out there and live my life again but it’s so anxiety provoking. I need meds and I don’t have damn insurance right now.

@Anxiousgirl I dont think having the thought they suffered is there to forgive them. I dont forgive my family and for a long time I feared running into them. I guess my mindset is that they are scummy and truly I have the mindset that lion don't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. To me they aren't worth my time and if I saw them, I'd remember they are scummy and keep on with what important to me, which is not them and their life. It took me forever to get here though. I was 18 the last time I had to deal with them and before that I was 10. I only gained that confidence at 27 or 28. And I dont k ow.if it was the time away or just hitting an age of learning that my life is more Important to me than they are.

@catattak I’m so sorry you have this kind of relationship with your family. I definitely understand. My dad is the black sheep sibling and we got left out of inheritance. Lots of snakes in my family and evil. You are very strong and I hope to one day get to the same place. I don’t remember if I ever asked this before. How old are you now?

@Anxiousgirl Wow our families are similar. My mom was the black sheep a d we were kicked out of the family when I was 10 and .y grandmother was dying of cancer. I always chalked it up to the stress of the matriarch dying. When I was 18 we were called back to help take care of my grandfather when he was dying. Once he died it was very ugly and we were locked out again. I was always afraid to run into them but their whole lives have been about how they can ruin other people and how they can hoard money. That's no life to love in my opinion. When my parents went bankrupt when o was 2, we received no help but were expected to turn up on weekends and all summer to tend to the farm. I'm 32 now and I'm not even ry mad anymore. They could be an ant on my floor a d I wouldnt go out of my way to squash them. They just arent allowed to inhabit space in my mind anymore and that's that.