My urge to get the last word in and confront perpetrators from years ago feels like an obsession now. I have too much time on my hands during this pandemic and it feels like I’ve gone mad. Even though I know it’s irrational I get an angry urge to confront men who have sexually coerced or taken advantage of me even though it wouldn’t do anything. It’s like I need the last word to tell them off for closure or to feel “just right”. Just moving on I think I’m “weak”. I would never actually confront them and filed police report already (which did nothing because technically I consented) but the urge is still there and I want them to suffer. I want to believe karma is a real thing but I keep feeling like life is so unfair. I just blame people like this for all my suffering and trauma and it’s hard for me to just move forward and accept that they are still happily living their life. I want to establish power or dominance somehow and my ocd keeps wanting me to tell them off to achieve this, which it won’t. Maybe it’s some pride and dignity thing. Idk. All I know is I need to find peace and move on somehow because anger eats up my life.

Thank you. It’s more complicated than usual cases that’s why I’m not so open. I joined a sugar baby site when I was in debt a few years ago after college and I didn’t want to be in my toxic parents home. It went against my morals as I was raised in a Turkish Muslim home even though I am American and more liberal than others. Anyway I was really naive and had low self esteem so angry red flags about sugar daddies went out the window. I got tricked into doing sexual things I wasn’t comfortable with because they promised to give me an allowance and I was never paid. One lured me into a bar basement for a blowjob and he said he would date me and pay me like an allowance. These men told me sugar baby is not like a prostitute it’s like an arrangement like dating and they would put me through law school. The guy ghosted me after taking me in the bar basement and months later messages me on Instagram saying “remember me? You really enjoyed that blowjob” when I confronted him he said “you drive a Mercedes. Why would I pay you? Bye hoe “ and I never heard from him again. I made a report to the police and they just said it’s a date gone wrong kind of thing. I googled him and found out he got banned from being a broker because he defrauded investors hundreds of thousands of dollars. Now i am agoraphobic being in NYC fear of running into this guy again. And I developed some real event ocd because I had a random fear one day saying “what if I was secretly recorded and put on porn sites?” So I used to have a compulsion of checking for myself on porn sites for hours. I had a narcissistic ex who would bring up my past experiences and shame me saying “how can I marry you?” So now I am afraid to date and think no man will love me. I feel so much shame.

Thank you for your response I really appreciate it. Yeah I know nyc is huge it’s just sometimes in business or mutual networks it’s sometimes a small world. I’m always worried about my rep especially because we have a large Turkish community in Brooklyn and nyc in general and my parents always told me to watch what I do. It was at a bar on the upper east side that now closed down but I still have agoraphobia. I wasn’t like this right after it because I was on adderall and other meds that distracted me. When I moved to Dubai for a year and turned 26 I weaned off my meds and got into a narcissist relationship which set me back mentally. I have some friends that laugh at my story because they are like “girl you are obsessing about a blowjob” and it sounds funny when I say it like that. But it’s the principal of the matter. The guys were only 40 years old but I wasn’t attracted to them. I just don’t want a future partner thinking im a golddigger or something because I only tried it to get out of debt and go through law school so that when I do find the right guy I don’t have debt and I’m in a good place. Also the site advertised this like dating but really it’s sugar coated prostitution and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It’s scary how low self esteem and bad mental health can make people do things out of their morals. I just keep reading reddit forums of men saying they’d never date a girl who tried a sugar baby site and id like to think that there are men out there who wouldn’t judge from the past. I’m just trying to realize I’m a good person and not feel shame for mistakes but it’s hard. As for the porn, I think ur right. It became such a bad obsession for my real event ocd. My narc ex used to scare me and tell me “if there is a video of u somewhere because this stuff does happen and we were married, I would divorce u right away” so he triggeeed off my ocd. I just had this thinking like since that con sugar daddy was capable of frauding people out of money he could be capable of anything. Then my OCD makes my mind wander. It makes me not wanna show my face in New York and I work in the city lol. I am currently on Long Island working from home so I haven’t been able to work on exposure therapy due to the pandemic.

Thanks for being so non-judgmental! Yeah my therapist was trying to make me realize that reddit doesn’t represent the entire population. I am on the BetterHelp app currently with a great therapist who is doing cognitive processing therapy with me for PTSD. I had an ocd specialist for many years but she’s too expensive and with BetterHelp I can message my therapist anytime and have video calls with her weekly. My last therapist was quick to label everything as ocd so it’s really hard comparing with the new therapist and figuring out what is and isn’t ocd. As for the sugar baby thing, yeah. Honestly if I found decent men I don’t think I’d feel so bad about it but I found bottom of the barrel scum. The first one before the bar basement dude took me to motels and wanted a submissive sugar baby. My New York attitude couldn’t handle the submissive part and we parted ways but for pity he met me at the library and gave me $275! What a joke. I wasn’t bothered by him so much but just the asshole who didn’t pay and tried to switch it around on me and bring up my Mercedes! My dad is a Mercedes tech, I don’t have one because I’m rich lmao. What type of ocd do you deal with? And how was your day today?? Nice to see another New Yorker on here!

Hahaha that’s genius! Yes, OCD will latch onto anything and twist it. I’ve gotten so many tools over the years from having ocd and I still struggle to use them. I think that part is depression because otherwise i always know what to do and I don’t take the advice I give others. It’s horrific. You seem very intelligent and level headed. And I may start doing what you do and tell my OCD thoughts to shut up! That kind of reminds me of habit braclets. Like for instance everytime you wanna have a cigarette but you’re trying to quit you snap the hairband or bracelet on your wrist, so over time, you associate that thought with pain and don’t want to do it anymore. How is the city these days? I haven’t been since March and I keep seeing pix11 news of shootings and stabbings everyday! I feel like New York is turning into Chicago or nyc from the 80s and I’m afraid to even go to Chelsea to my office and get some supplies I left lol.

My old OCD specialist used to make me repeat scripts in my head constantly and said “you can’t think two things at once”, so whenever u get those thoughts just keep saying your script and your mind will eventually rewire. It’s quite exhausting though. Yeah I had a feeling the news was making it out to be worse than it is. My dad commutes everyday though and he said he almost got attacked by a group of homeless people with knives. I never made it to law school. After college I traveled the world and worked as a paralegal and all attorneys told me don’t go to law school it’s a waste of money and you might not make a lot. They all seemed to be miserable so I’m rethinking what I want to do. I currently work on the business and legal affairs team for a huge media entertainment company. The media part makes it interesting I guess.