Last night my boyfriend was annoyed at me because sometimes I am un trusting towards him... I ended up getting upset because I think that my inability to trust him and constant rumination is another form of OCD that I struggle with. However, the conversation reminded me of how fucked up I am with my POCD and gronial response. I’ve never told anyone about anything before but for the first time I told him that ‘I’m sad because i think the reason I can be like this is because I have compulsive thinking, I’m scared of my brain... but it’s only the tip of the iceberg and I never talk about it’... It’s the first time I’ve ever even hinted at the issues I’ve been burying deep for the last 6 years. It was quite frankly horrible to even tell him that. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said I can’t. Then I just felt terrified that he was going to Google compulsive thoughts and that he might keep wondering what is wrong with me, like the elephant in the room sort of thing. I just lay there and cried and cried because I felt so trapped. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I get gronial response for children and that he has no idea. He kept telling me he loves me and I can tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. And all I keep thinking is how he has no idea and he would be so shocked and disgusted. I couldn’t stop crying in bed for hours, I felt so trapped and scared. I love him so much. It’s so painful. I thought it would be good to start acknowledging my ocd and talking about it, but it’s just made it all so real and it just makes the underlying depression in me come out to the surface. For so long I’ve been managing to live this life where if I don’t think about my OCD at every moment possible, and I can feel quite normal most of the time I’m distracted. I know it’s all a facade but now I’m trying to work on my problems (without a therapist) - that whole facade has faded. So much more I will just sit with the people I love and think about how they think I’m normal but they have no idea who I am. Its horrible. I’m not saying we shouldn’t all fight this - we need to fucking fight this. I don’t want to put anyone off - but it’s just really killing my ego acknowledging this bullshit ocd.