I am a 28 yr gay male. Spending new years with my boyfriends family in a different on the other side of the country from my home. Tonight I broke down and tried to remove the last wall between us after the last few month ramp up of problems we have dealt with. When I met him, I was just dating to grow. Absolutely no intentions of finding the one. I have been working on my OCD for several years. Have not found relief in medication yet but have done lots of therapy. I knew my OCD was a problem and was planning to heal it completely before settling down with someone. A little while after we decided to commit to each other, we hit a few walls that have taken some extreme amounts of work from both of us to work through. He also was not planning to settle down. But the more we have worked through these difficulties together, the more were certain we want to be together. So rocky road aside, we have been growing closer every step. Though I've hit a point where I cannot fight my OCD any longer. And while he has stated it has worn him down, he has short fought harder by my side than anyone else before. And has been working on his own stuff along side it as I have worked to reciprocate the help. To break down why my OCD has become especially intense I'll try to provide a synopsis of the events leading to this melt down. Several weeks after we committed to eachother, I stumbled on his porn addiction. It started by finding it on his browser by accident. When I asked him about it he initially told me he was not viewing it. When I presented the evidence to him, he claimed that he used it to get ideas for us to use for our intimacy. As time went on I continued to find evidence and ask him to be honest. I continued to tell him how important honesty was to me, and that I did not mind the porn but wanted him to just be forthright in telling me. Everytime he refused to tell me he had used it until I had to show him the evidence. And I would then be met with defensiveness. Some of the responses I'd get were that this has always been common in previous relationships so he didn't understand why it was hurting me. I continued to explain it wasn't the porn that bothered me it was the fact that he would not be honest about it. I continued to reiterate that he could view it if he wanted but that I'd just prefer he tell me and not hide it from me. I even tried to get out of my comfort zone and view it with him. But he refused to let me. After several weeks of this, it started leading me to become obsessive. The breakdown of trust started making me question more and more what was really going on. So I started going through his phone and uncovered how much deeper the porn problem was. He would view porn after he got home from work in the hour before I got to his house, often times Wed be intimate, and then I'd head home for the night. Only to discover the next day that he was right back onto porn sites 5 minutes after I had left. Again I'd ask him to be honest and he would never tell.me the truth. He even started downloading different browsers, using incognito, and etc to hide it. But I'm very skilled with computers and can usually find most anything. This is when I started having a complete lack of trust in him and got very obsessive. While going through his phone I found texts he hadn't deleted to several guys where they had exchanged dirty pictures and conversations. Many of the texts were done only minutes before I'd show up or minutes after I'd leave. The worst was finding texts where he shared details of what we were doing - such as watching which shows on Netflix. The texts, atleast the ones I know of because they werent deleted, stopped after we made the relationship official. Because of my obsessions I did read and view everything. He had several explicit pictures of people saved to a Google drive. He still had every single contact from grinder on his phone with some listed as "bad in bed - do not hookup". So time passed. We continued to address him needing to be honest with me through the porn stuff. Finally, atleast based on the fact thsr I can no longer find it, the porn has stopped. And he claims he is no longer viewing it. So now it seems he's being honest, because I cannot find it any longer on his phone/computer. Up until it disappeared though, he never once told me he had viewed it, even when I was sitting there with his browser history in my hand, until I showed him the proof. We talkrd a lot about rebuilding the honesty. He shared his sexual history with me, including details and numbers. Because at this point I was so obsessed with fixing this lack of trust and eliminating all the fears the previous obsessions had exposed. This is where things got more difficult. Because the history he shared with me did not match what his texts told me. He told me he had never slept with more than one person at a time. And he told me this multiple times. But because he never deletes messages, I read conversations with his friends where he texted about just having his first three some. He went into details with them about how it happened who they were, how weird one guy was for saying bro so much. And then about having his friends pick him up so he didn't have to have an Uber. I mean the conversation was very detailed. There were also conversations about him getting tricked into going to a sex club and having a party time. Again incredibly descriptive from how many rooms there were to what kind of things were in each room. He even included the details of being convinced it was a Waterpark so he showed up in a swimsuit and was embarrassed. On top of all that, there were freaking exchanges about how his life is just working and fucking. And times he'd text his friends about just having the worst hookop of his life. And then conversations about how the last 4 guys couldnt last more than a few minutes. So obviously you guys understand how badly that started ramping up my ocd. He lied to me about the porn for 2 months. He told me his sexual history was more conservative and that he had never been to the sex club. And he didn't do hookups. Etc. So when I finally presented him with the evidence from the texts, he broke down and said that he was never being dishonest. That he never did those things. He said that he texted those things to seem cool. Because he was trying to keep up a facade or character of someone cool to his friends. He continues reassure me that all of those texts were just ways for him to feel validated when he was lonely and feeling worthless. Because he wanted to seem cool. And that a lot of those details were things he'd heard from people and so it made it easy to fabricate stories that made him feel cool. Now as the weeks started leading up to him bringing me here to his hometown for new years, my ocd has been going insane. Being back here where all these people from his contacts are. And where all the stuff written about in those texts would have happened if they actually did. I want to believe him that he was hurting and insecure and trying to sound cool over texts, but as you guys understand, my ocd keeps sending me thought after thought. And possibility after possibility that he is still lying to me. And still hiding it from me. After weeks of asking for reassurance and explaining to him my need for truth and affirmation and everything that I need to feel secure in the relationship I still feel like he's lying to me. He said he has stopped using porn completely cold turkey - without me asking him to, I was simply asking for honesty. Because he says he enjoys saving it for our intimacy and recognizes that he was obsessed and had been wanting to break free. He deleted all his contacts - without me asking him to. He said he didn't even really think about them being there, and when we got into the relationship he just didn't think about it. He deleted his snapchat - without me asking him to. Because he said there were too many contacts to jdur delete them individually, he doesn't use it. And didn't want to have people randomly message him in the future. He deleted all the explicit pictures, to his credit on this one, they were in a Google drive that had not been touched in two years. So I can believe him when he said they were old and he had forgotten about them. He has been touchy and affirming. He has continued to try and be proactive in telling me that those texts were all about show and didn't really happen. He continues to stand firm that his sexual history is exactly what he has told me. He came forward and told me that he has never had his drivers license, but was too embarrassed to tell me that because he liked me so much when we met. So he had originally told me that it had just lapsed. The reason he doesn't have his license is because he has severe ptsd from several car accidents when he was younger. But now I am stuck - my ocd keeps bringing the intrusive thoughts of him being this person who was fucking a hookup every few days or enjoying thresomes. And because the numbers he has told me were fairly higher than I had hoped, it continues to bring up images of all these different people. I feel like I can't trust him. I can't just believe what he's told me about those texts. And I don't know why I can't become mindful over these images this time. I had my ocd pretty much under control before this. I know that I love him. And I know he loves me. I can see the work he has been putting in. I can understand thar he has his own mental problems to work through because of years of sexual abuse when he was little. I can see that he is trying to work on him and support me. He has taken ownership of lying to me about the porn. And as he said a bunch he said I am obisoujy telling you the turht about my sexual history not linking with the texts, because it would be easier for him to just say yes all those texts are true. Because that would help show me to trust him better. It would stop me from questioning him more. But he said he will lot lie to me anymore, and so unfortunately he must continue to stand firm that the texts were just to make him look cool and thst he will accept having to continue to give me reassurance and work through this. Rather than lie and say they're true to just end discussion. He also told me that because I didn't leave him after all the lying with the porn and holding strong until we resolved it, I showed him I was finally the one person he could trust with everything - he could tell me anything no matter how much it might hurt in the moment and thst he was willing to be completely raw and honest with me because I had broken down that Wall and he felt like he no longer needs to lie to protect himself because I'm not gonna hurt him with the truth. I know I'm stuck in my head fiightjng all this. I can't see it all as I need to. It does looks like he's being honest now, doesn't it? It does appear he's stopped porn, right? It does appear he's acknowledged that he messed up and has gone more than the extra mile to clean up his behavior, right? If that's all correct. Then it is up to me to get these thoughts under control and heal so we can continue to build our relationship. We both want to work through this. We're not even close to the door. We in fact have been able to recognize the unhealthy aspects and want to heal them together as a team. But where do I start now? I'm lost, overwhelmed by these images, and tired of fighting against the thoughts. I don't want to break up with him. Because I do recognize were not all perfect and he is trying to fix things.