Hello, this problem of the toc is affecting a lot and it despairs a lot that even makes me want to pull my hair I would like this anxiety to end but maybe my actions will end it is a mind that catches you as if it were someone who talks to you and that disturbs you but not It is someone, you are yourself, you had this disease since I was 10 years old and now I am 18, first it started with the footsteps if there was a line on the ground I did not have to step if I stepped I had the mind that something bad could happen to me so I went back and advanced on the floor line so that nothing happens so it was until later it started as a custom then I started singing and then I did it three times so that nothing happens so it was increasing to 7 and what was the fear because I do not remember very well but it was what I lost my parents or being gay or being beheaded or having my 5 year old cousin raped or my relatives being murdered that was how my mind disturbed me but it was easy to ignore it but after passing time it was not so easy it started me To start at age 11 was where I started to wash but I don't know when was the first time I started to wash a lot I think I did it when I was 7 and 8 every time I touched something I washed three times but at age 11 I washed hands was 3 minutes I think and the lines of the footprints followed the thoughts were worse that I could kill my cat and I be gay and that a serial killer kills a relative or that I get cancer or that they run over or that a tarantula this in my bed or on the wall, floor or ceiling like this and the song continued but it decreased a little it was because if not twice my family would be killed by a murderer and I no longer paid attention to him and the worst comes, something that is worse than to dominate is a tingling that I don't know what disease the tingling is that I have had since 6 years old I started at school I scratched myself and that tingling came out I masturbated at 6 years old and I pornography at 11 years old for that tingling of the penis I have no pain I urinate well and I don't have any injuries, I just feel that tingling and n the glans of the penis I feel it more a tickle I feel it only takes off masturbating but it lasts 20 minutes later it comes back and I have to feel three tingles or tickles to calm me down and if that tickle comes with my mind saying you are gay and with the tickling then I will be gay and I have to make another tickle and saying in my mind I am not gay both at the same time tickling and in my mind I am not gay and before I said it with my mouth but that was at the beginning of 11 years at the end I did not do it I was ashamed I did with my mind so far it continues with the tickling at 18 and at 12 it was the same only that the tingling and hand washing at thirteen it was the same at 14 it was disgusting to speak mouth to mouth

For the past couple of months, I’ve had a really big fear of like my hand basically going down there or objects going down there and like being contaminated. This basically leads me to be scared of being on my own and doing things without people near (because if I do everything in front of someone they would tell me if I did something), also tucking my shirt. This started last October too and I remember crying for like hours everyday. Now I’m better but I do compulsions like tucking my shirt in a specific way so I know my hand couldn’t reach there. I’m scared to even get ready for the day, brush my teeth, etc with my shirt untucked because I’m scared those objects will be contaminated or I’ll do something to contaminate them. I’ve been trying to stop this compulsion of tucking my shirt in for a while but I’m not really going anywhere.

I am a man from the Netherlands and I am in my early 40s. When I was 36 years old I became diagnosed with ADHD. At that period of my life I already have had treatment for borderline personality disorder. I might have an impulsive nature due to my ADHD, though unlike many people with BPD I don't act impulsively but I am hindered in my life by indecision and perfectionism. It wouldn't surprise me if I turn out to have OCD. Thanks to a blog from NOCD in which transgender OCD was described it became more clear to me my doubts and anxiety of possibly being a transgender + a coward because of remaining in denial for that, is more likely the cause of OCD. I noticed as well I made progress during the years, because of course it didn't take my doubts away, however I was able to believe dealing with uncertainty probably contributes more to my well-being than finding the answer of my doubts. This specific type of OCD keeps coming back, because it is a fact that I as a homosexual man am very insecure about my masculinity. I had experienced an unsafe childhood with emotional neglect from a mother with autism and also emotional abuse from a father with definitely traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. As an only child who also turns out to have ADHD I felt chronically lonely and grew up with the belief I was a complete failure: not only my actions were wrong, but also my thoughts and emotions. At school I was an outcast. I felt unsafe everywhere. I often escaped into daydreaming and fantasies, because for me it was the only way to bare the reality. As a child I was introvert, anxious and feminine. That's why I developed a feminine alter ego of myself in which I could escape in my fantasies. However I didn't develop an identity align with my biological sexe. When I hit puberty I became worried about it. I was convinced I eventually have to come out of the closet as a transvestite or transgender. I really didn't want that; I wanted to have a stable self-identity align with my biological sexe instead of regularly pretending to be a woman, because I am not a woman. However as you all know very well the suffering is about not having control over yourself. When I was 17 I decided to look for a psychologist, because I definitely didn't want to waste precious years of my life. I assumed a psychologist can help me, because I definitely am not the only homosexual man struggling with his masculinity and sexual orientation. I felt so much ashamed of myself I repeatedly held myself back explaining my problems, though I forced myself to speak up my mind; after all he can't help me if he doesn't know what it's all about. I was very disappointed he replied with "What are you complaining about? Count yourself lucky you live in the Netherlands where you can be yourself." He was bringing up my perfectionism: in my perception he did so because he refused to admit he couldn't help me, so by bringing up something else he still was able to profit about my suffering. Looking back to it now I can understand why he responded like that. Still I think it's disrespectful, because I feel treated in such a way like a disobedient dog that has to learn to obey. I have had a lot of therapists and they regularly responded similarly. What I find striking is that my perfectionism and worrying is one of the first things they notice, but it doesn't occur to them that I may have OCD. I have now signed up for another treatment and at the intake I indicated that I suspect OCD in myself and am open to following exposure therapy, but so far they just don't seem to take it seriously. Over the years, my fears have become less strong. By that I mean that it no longer leads to panic attacks and street fear. The more confident I feel, the more comfortable I feel with my masculinity. But when I feel less good about myself, I get doubts again and especially shame and guilt. It makes me hesitate going to the gym (in the past the gym was too much confrontational) and I cannot at myself in the mirror. I am quite sure my so-called borderline personality disorder at least partly refers to complex PTSD. Actually I don't care anymore which name is assigned to my problems. I just want to be helped. I understand bringing up fears like "Am I transgender or not?" doesn't help me. However it doesn't help me either if they refuse to respond to me. Then I feel like it's some kind of test to observe if I am able to figure it out on my own, and if not then I cannot get better.

Hello everyone, forgive my bad English since it is not my native language, I have been suffering from OCD for 6 years now. It started with being afraid of harming my loved ones and soon it escalated. All of this leads us here towards sexual obsessions. I was abused many times when I was a child. I don't know if that had any impact on my sexual issues. so everything lead up to a intrusive tought of what would happend if i touch myself with a picture of your parents" and I ended up paying attention to the intrusive tought and i ended up doing what my intrusive tought told me so i said to me "OCD would make me touch myself for everything i loved so what, i would do it before the anxiety attacks" and I end up in a spiral of having touched myself by several photos of my family members, friends and even my own therapist all wanting to prevent future compulsions and anxiety now I only think about taking my life, I never wanted that to happen I am not a monster who has sexual desire towards my loved ones I fell under my own intrusive thought and the only thing I think about now is taking my life life for what I've done