long rant.... does anyone else here feel triggered just by dating alone? when i go on dating apps my stomach is in full anxiety mode it can be fun definitely especially if youre lonely enough and all of a sudden im scrolling through photos and reading bios and laughing but there is this holy shit moment when someone matches with ... me now what?! and my mind plays out all the reasons i shouldnt talk to them or date them and i imagine them finding out i have ocd and i imagine all the baggage i come with and i also think about how because of that baggage i have like no experience ive only kissed two guys and been on three dates ... i know all of that is a turn off and eventually the guy will know im not what he wanted (im a woman by the way) and i just wish i could lose my virginity without anyone knowing i just wish i could be one of those chill girls that i know guys want they dont want to deal with a bunch of baggage and so i automatically feel bad for anyone who has to date me and im annoyed that i view it that way like well they chose to ask me out no one forced them to date me ... but my mind tells me youre tricking them youre just using them they dont know you are this and this and that and thats not fair to them they deserve a normal girl who can have sex on the 3rd date or hook up quickly and is free and confident with their body and i try to fight back those thoughts with i dont know what will happen stop self sabatoging but i just have such fear of being made fun of being rejected like i have this idea of what i should be at my age and the fact im not makes me feel such shame and i have to laugh at the idea that im 28 living with my parents again and work catering events like 4 times a month and ive never had a relationship or sex and i actually have the nerve to try to date these guys? like who am i to attempt this? i just feel like i dont deserve normal things and i also dont know how to go after things i want ... im also afriad that ill go on these dates and be a bad kisser or bad at sex and my hocd will go there proof your gay or asexual or whatever the fuck and im sure while im on the date my mind will be screaming intrusive thoughts at me that ill be having three jobs at once: 1) listen to them and figure out if you like them 2) talk about yourself a little 3) let your ocd yell at you but hide it from everyone actually 4 jobs 4) try to eat or drink without choking or spilling or making a fool of myself ... i just because of how long ive been alone the pressure just gets worse the older and older i get and i hate it its weird i dont consider myself someone who isnt flirty or is afraid of socializing if anything if someone hit on me in public i would definitely be a nervous wreck but i would be like okay this is happening organically my job is to just go with the flow but with apps this whole self advertising thing it almost all feels like this fake game of impressing people and does turn dating into job interviews where as if you meet someone in real life and they ask you out there is no question that they want to see you again the spark has been established these apps are like i enjoy your face in photos and the texting banter isnt bad lets meet up and see of this is a complete dumpster fire ... so then the whole date feels like this pressure to live up to your photo and live up to expectations of whatever they think you might be ... if someone likes you in real life from having hung out with you via mutual friends there is this flow where its like oh we are drawn to each other there is something here lets explore this but it doesnt feel like this desperate attempt at appealing to whoevers eye you are trying to catch and so yeah these apps give me anxiety but i do like some of these guys enough to want to talk im just scared ... ive been down this route before and usually when they eventually ask for us to meet up i find excuses or i ghost because i stress all the ways the date could be horrible and life ruining... anyway fun times