Fuck man. I’ve been pretty down for almost a few months now and I’ve been so angry that I’ve cussed out a few therapist’s already. I wish I can have a resemblance of a good life. I wish I could wake up in the morning eat some breakfast drink some coffee get ready for work and go to the gym afterwards or hangout with people who care about me afterwards having fun. My therapist’s seem to think I have a psychotic disorder and I’m starting to believe it. I almost want to go out a second day in a row and get drunk again. I feel if I do I’m just going to become someone I never thought in a million years I would become but that’s sort of where I’m at in life right now. I think I’m just on the brink of becoming a drunk and don’t see a way out. Sometimes my life is just to hard to want to cope with anything. I’m not even sure getting drunk a second day in a row or a 3rd is a bad thing anymore. I don’t have no one to talk to to give me hope. I thought I wanted to become a NFL scout and have a wife and kids but I just feel so awful about who I am I’m just out right disgusted with myself. I wish I could have therapy 24/7 cuz I’m just not good at all trying to figure stuff out on my own anymore and need basically someone to show me how to live or show me a good way to live to emulate cuz I can’t just be like I’m going to be like my 21 yr old self again where I was working, had friends, and a fit life and started dating. The started dating stuff is kind of where all my trouble started and now I’m failing at life all because I wanted to have a good life too soon and didn’t know how to have it the way I thought my life could be. If I make it out of this shit idk what I’ll think.

Thanks. I try to open up but sometimes my mind stops me from saying things and I’ve realized it’s just a split moment of anxiety and I need to actually finish what I want to say. I was seeing a therapist but to be honest I’ve probably upset her way to much to give me help anymore and I’m just kind of spiraling into borderline personality disorder that I’m fucking escorts with money I shouldn’t be spending and I feel like going out to bars and getting drunk now and waste my life away cuz I have so much thoughts that’s created a tornado in my head and I feel like not doing any ERP for a while till my mind can calm down. I’m on lamotrigine and I saw when I had some coffee I was able to notice the anxiety and I was like maybe I shouldn’t be taking an antidepressant with caffeine. I try to meditate for 5 minutes when I wake up and 7 minutes when I want to go to sleep. I don’t want to do too much meditation to where I’m dependent on meditation to help me get over what I’m going through.

@Issac11_fitforlife You can never be too dependant on meditation. You would rather that than drinking or drugs. Maybe look into Float Therapy, something you can really zone out in and mediate for a long period of time( only once you’re ready)

@HelpfulHeart Why do I have to be ready for that meditation? Trust me I’ve seen all kinds of thoughts flow through my head and have been triggered with the most triggering stuff I’d rather be one with my body then to feel out of it like I’ve been for a lot of years.

@Issac11_fitforlife It’s just much longer meditation so it’s up to you if you would like to commit to that. Float therapy is more intense in the sense it’s mediation that kind of takes you outside if your own environment a lot more, uts a harder meditation to break. Very rewarding as well.

@HelpfulHeart I’ve done a meditation on my own for 30 minutes before but I felt at the end of it I had more anxiety idk.

Yeah that’s true but at the same time me trying everything is what’s kind of gotten me into this mess smh.

@Issac11_fitforlife Look at your last two responses. “But I felt like at the end of it I had more anxiety” “Trying everything is what got me into this mess” Stop putting yourself down. You are doing the best you can and healing is a process. I know it can be hard to be optimistic but you have to congratulate yourself on how far you’ve come.