My HOCD is making me feel like I don’t want to masturbate to lesbian porn. I was doing the deed and it felt like I didn’t want to masturbate to lesbian porn. I’m scared that if I look up gay porn, that it will get me aroused and excited more than lesbian porn and it scares me. I will never look up gay porn but this HOCD is giving me temptations to check and I’m scared as hell.

Here’s the thing Mr Cornett. The reason why I don’t want to check out gay porn is because two weeks ago, I came across a meme talking about femboys, which got me frightened and curious on the thought “am I into femboys?” So I go on the femboy subreddit. I’m seeing naked men pretending to be women and such but I don’t get a strong type of groinal response. So I think I’m all good and dandy. I then stumbled across a guy masturbating accidentally and I got nervous and anxious immediately and I began to notice I was growing an erection at a rapid rate. I began to panic and shut the app off and I was triggered and scared that this gay porn gave me an erection when I didn’t want it to. It triggered me for a couple days. And it’s now been added as one of HOCD’s target memories to fuck me up with. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

@SOOCD So, you’re telling me you did a checking compulsion by going to that subreddit, then it provided temporary relief before the distress rebounded with more intensity? And then in response to that distress you engaged in avoidance as a compulsion and that neither compulsion made you feel any better? That’s how compulsions work. They don’t make it better.

@SOOCD When you see a guy when you’re out and about does your chest tightened and cause a warm sensation in your chest?

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett I’m so scared about the erection part of the story. I used to check gay porn in the past as a compulsion but I stopped doing it because it disturbed me and I didn’t get an erection from it. But why did I start to grow a rapid erection at that moment in time? I’m trying to do mindfulness, acceptance, and agreement with the HOCD thoughts but it feels like sometimes that these symptoms are too specific.

@Issac11_fitforlife You’ve asked this question in different variations. Is it your belief that, potentially, a tightness in your chest when you see a guy might be an indication that you’re gay?

@SOOCD You mean you continue to doubt that it’s OCD and you just continue to ruminate, check, analyze, and avoid? That’s the nature of the beast. I don’t mean to be flippant, it’s just that there’s nothing about what you’re saying that’s surprising.

@Issac11_fitforlife It happened in Sedona. To everybody. Constant tightness in chest and warm sensation 24/7. It was uncomfortable and it ached. To make matters worse I broke my glasses and I accidentally stumbled into the women’s restroom without looking at the sign.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett I understand. HOCD symptoms are so common with people like us. But I’m scared that this story about the subreddit and the rapidly growing erection means something about me that I don’t want to be true.

@SOOCD You could take that statement and sprinkle in any type or theme of OCD and it would be applicable. “I’m scared that I watched a horror movie and wasn’t disgusted by the violence that it means something about me I don’t want to be true.” “I’m scared that when I prayed I didn’t feel connected to god and that says something about me I don’t want to be true.” “I’m scared that I saw a kid I thought was cute or wasn’t sure if someone I found attractive was under 18 and that means something about me that I don’t want to be true.” And on and on it goes.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett I get that part, you can take anything revolving HOCD and make it into something that makes no sense. But then what about that rapidly growing erection, what about that time where I had an intrusive thought about holding my friends hand?, why did my anxious and nervous feelings stop after someone told I was gay or bisexual in denial? There’s just so many questions for me that I don’t understand and it scares me so much

@SOOCD Ok I just needed to know. So then. Let’s get started. Get 12 pictures of dudes in casual wear clothes and gym clothes. Your going to for your 1st erp session to swipe through these pictures like you would tinder going left to right on your phone for an hr. After doing so it’s important to go about your day like normal and not getting on this app for the whole day. You do this ERP for a week every other day for 3 times during the week. I’ll tell you what to do after your 1st week.

@Issac11_fitforlife ^^^ great exposure! An hour is quite long though imo (well my attention span... haha!) so you could increase the time slowly and gradually.

@SOOCD So you’re telling me you have persistent doubts and continue to analyze every unusual thought? I wonder what could cause someone to have intrusive thoughts and doubt...

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Yea, I wonder as well. I heard there’s some sort of... chemical imbalace? Isn’ there obsessions or am I wrong about that part 😂

@JustRob 45 minutes I guess. The whole point of the ERP is to have the anxiety peak and then let the anxiety fall off as you do it. If it happens in 45 minutes cool if not then go 60. This method of looking at pictures of dudes help me get over my HOCD in just 3 sessions I didn’t do the swiping I just sat with each individual picture for like 5-10 minutes. So I like to think of it as a record for anyone dealing with HOCD I’m only fucked up cuz I did a horrible job in doing an ERP session that has plagued me for 2 yrs now smh. Even to the point that my therapists have second guessed me. They probably think by me fucking escorts was a curveball they didn’t see coming but I threw a fastball right up the middle and said swing at me bitch! Let’s go.

@JustRob My god. What could it possibly be, Rob???

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett And there’s the false attractions too. It’s like I get weird sweet feeling in my chest/stomach area that my brain automatically tells me it’s attraction. I heard that anxiety and nervousness can also give you that type of feeling. But I’m still scared that this may or may not be attraction. It’s like I’m getting attracted to every guy I see online, irl, or games nowadays. I hate this so much Mr Cornett. Sorry for constantly bothering you

@SOOCD I am not saying this because I don’t understand your suffering and have compassion for it, but the types of thoughts or sensations or feelings you’re having aren’t of any concern to me. They don’t give me more or less information where I’m gonna be like, “oh, yeah, the constant panic and rumination and hypervigilance and groinal responses is how being gay works.”

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Hmmm... wait- could it be OCD?? I think I heard that phrase somewhere.... weird.

@JustRob Stop being ridiculous, Rob.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett I have an appointment with an OCD specialist thanks to NOCD on Tuesday. I hope he says it’s HOCD I really do. I don’t think I can take much more of this. It feels like slowly turning gay and I hate it so much. I hate my life so much. Why couldn’t I be a kid with a good life and no OCD to boot?

@SOOCD I think it’s a better perspective that why not? I mean, after all, in a world where some child is born with terminal brain cancer and people die from starvation, what makes you special enough to be devoid of suffering?

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett I know, I know... it was probably a long shot. After all, nobody has OCD these days! We all... want to organize colored pencils sometimes, right... we’re all a bit OCD, so must be something else. (Oh no not the stereotypes 😂)

@JustRob This is not a community of people with OCD. It’s a community of blasphemers, pedophiles, closeted homosexuals, murderers, and infected superspreaders. Get it right!

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett It honestly just feels horrible to have OCD in general. Not being able to live your normal life while constantly making sure everything is certain and in the right order, it’s a terrible thing to live with. I just don’t understand why we as people have to get this kind of thing. I just wish this HOCD would go away. I hate HOCD so much. I only want to stay straight. Why does OCD have to affect this out of everything?

@SOOCD It is difficult to live with, certainly. And it can be debilitating. I have, at times, been debilitated by it. I just don’t think that feeling sorry for ourselves can make it any better. Life includes suffering. We can approach that with compassion and focus our efforts towards mitigating it as much as we can. But, “To the silly question ‘why me?’ the cosmos barely offers the reply, ‘why not?’”.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett My HOCD feels so bad honestly, unlike everyone else, it feels like these symptoms are true and my HOCD expects the worst but I’m trying to hope. I’m trying to fight this HOCD, but it’s very debilitating, and it honestly just hurts to deal with.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Woah there... am i a heterosexual racist republican? Even after ERP?? That’s a lot to take in, Mr. Cornett.

@SOOCD Everyone else feels like their thoughts are real, too, or reflect something about them.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett It’s like with HOCD, the symptoms feel so real. The sweet feelings in the chest/stomach area, the rapid erection, it’s like I can’t tell the difference between real and fake anymore. I just want to stay straight. Why do ocd symptoms feel so real? I don’t get this.

@SOOCD I already told you what to do so do it already.