i am having so much trouble with guilt and sadness surrounding my intrusive thoughts, they pop up in my head and i get super anxious and just wanna cry. i literally make a disgusted face when they pop up in my head and i like wanna rip my hair out they never shut up. i am trying so hard to just sit with the thought but i can’t i feel so anxious all the time. i just wanna confess and tell people so i am not stuck with myself, i am legit scared of my own brain. 😭 i wish i could go back to being normal and knowing i am a good person and being comfortable with myself, now i just panic and get super afraid of being alone with my thoughts or feeling IMMENSE guilt even though i know i don’t wanna think about this.

it’s so frustrating....i understand exactly what you all mean, i am so sorry you all have to deal with this disorder too because i know how painful and debilitating it can be. mine started when i was younger, i am 19, mine started when i was about 10...i would always think i was going to die or someone i love was going to die and then the theme would change and get progressively worse and now it’s p*do ocd and incest ocd and all these really disturbing and disgusting intrusive thoughts that i panic about daily. i feel so evil all the time and whenever i am just sitting i’ll get a wave of anxiety like i can’t ever relax or be myself...i don’t even know what fully being myself is like because of this disorder. i just want to be normal and tell the ocd to go away and never come back and it actually go away. some days are so much harder than others and some intrusive thoughts i cant even repeat because they’re so horrific and disgusting and they make me so sick. what happened to make me have these intrusive thoughts? i cry so much that even crying is part of my routine and i am so exhausted every day fighting this invisible battle with ocd...i just want peace and feel happy again...i want to be a mom one day too and raise my kids and be a great mom, but my ocd is there and it’s my worst enemy, i feel like i need to hide and lock myself away. :(

@havinghope I feel like this theme in particular has come and gone in my life but fir some reason it didn’t attach to me or I moved on or shrugged it off. This time with these thoughts and subtype if I had to say what does hell on earth feel like , it’s exactly like how I’m feeling , what we’re dealing with. I’ve never really questioned my character or moral or if I’m good or bad. I’ve been dealing with ocd thoughts for a long long time now. The subtypes have changed but it’s always been there. Today I talked to a psych for meds and she said “ I don’t think you have OCD I think you’re schizo affected or something of that nature. I panicked because I thought “ so I am in denial I am what I’ve said I was this whole time....so I don’t have ocd thoughts then what do I have ... will I just lose my mind and go insane and start committing acts of violence or abuse am I gonna hear voices?” I didn’t really go into depth with (my thoughts or images or actions/fantasies I feel like my brain now conjures to prove to myself either way ) ivecruminatedvto the point where I feel like I almost enjoy bringing these thoughts and torturing myself. I feel like I’ve gotten to such a low point where I’ve normalized these thoughts and such. I’ve been in such stress and distress I’ve questioned whether I have a darkness/evil inside of me. I’ve never been suicidal in my life and these thoughts have touched my core being so much so that I’ve thought about suicide every other day either to to end the pain in my mind/soul or so i don’t burden my family/boyfriend with my anxiety , my insanity. These last 2 weeks I feel like my mind has been dragged to hell. I’ve worried about normalizing my thoughts to the point where I feel like I can or should call the cops to confess something. But then I think if my family. I truly don’t know what I’d do without my brother or sister .