i just want these horrible disgusting thoughts to stop, i cant even be happy anymore! i cant even live my life! they’re so debilitating and horrific that they stop me from loving myself or being myself because i feel too guilty and upset with my own self to love myself. i never asked for this, i never would ever ever think of these things but somehow my mind TURNS SO DARK and i feel so uncomfortable being in my own body. death sometimes seems easier than this...i am not suicidal but my ocd tells me i am everyday, it’s like whatever thought i say to myself to reassure like “no i am a good person! i don’t want this thought!” my ocd will stab me in the back and say “ur not a good person! ur lying! ur actually evil! good people don’t think this way! u should die!” and i get so scared...like i am a lie, everything i say or do is a lie...everyone around me is being “fooled” by me...but i feel like i am just trying to get through life, i have no evil intent, i couldn’t even hurt a fly LITERALLY i like cant even hurt flies because i feel a sense of guilt...i am so upset with myself and the way i let my ocd take over my life like this. i go on a trip in 3 days with my best friends and i want to let go and have fun and forget about my intrusive thoughts and not feel evil or disgusted...i am so broken I AM SO BROKEN! how does one come back from such a dark place and such evil intrusive thoughts, i feel traumatized by my own intrusive thoughts.

Clarrisa

Date posted: 4y

Be easy on yourself! I’m going through a really hard time too but we haft to remember that OCD doesn’t define us. I almost checked myself into a hospital 3 times because I just can’t take it anymore but we haft to keep fighting. Ocd is a liar. Are you in treatment?

hope

Date posted: 4y

i am not currently in treatment for ocd...i want to see a specialist because i feel like they’d understand more about this disorder and can truly help...i just don’t know how to open up to anyone about my intrusive thoughts because i feel so evil and horrible... :(

Clarrisa

Date posted: 4y

@havinghope I’m trying to look for a specialist as well. I see a therapist but he is just not familiar with ocd and it’s kind of frustrating talking to him about my thoughts but don’t lose hope. Keep searching for someone that can truly help and understand. It’s very hard to open up to people about the thoughts because we’re afraid of what they would think but your not alone. we’ll overcome this. If you need someone to talk to then I’m here.

hope

Date posted: 4y

@Clarrisa that’s means so much, thank u! whenever i feel anxious i always try and remind myself that these thoughts are actually fears, my worst fears. so it helps me feel better as a person, but nothing seems to make them stop, it’s torture...i feel your pain and i am sorry you go through this as well🤍

moloney

Date posted: 4y

don’t let it get to you just don’t some of my thoughts are just awful too but like you i’m afraid to speak but do you know what i’m going to do it with a counsellor because you just have too to get better that’s what everyone keeps saying anyway. get out into nature hug the trees it grounds you start looking at what is around you like even your dog etc stay grounded the here and now you have to get out of your head. get magtein goes straight to brain magnesium and b vitamins and d and early sun. try headstands. make sure exercising. it’s the kindest people this illness attacks the fact that you are afraid says it all you are a good person and you know you are you said it start believing it

hope

Date posted: 4y

reading this made me smile, you’re so right. i need to get out of my head and start learning to better myself instead of listening to my thoughts. it’s so easy to believe your evil when your thoughts turn so ugly and dark, i want to get better so bad and no longer suffer from intrusive thoughts that ruin my days, i know i need help and to take vitamins and workout and just be a healthier person. thank you! :)

moloney

Date posted: 4y

no bother at all I really hope you get better. i’m in the same position myself but i just have to try do my best too hopefully get better eventually.

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