I remember getting butterflies in my chest/stomach area when I was 15 to a gay scene from an anime that was playing in the anime club at my high school. I remember being anxious and nervous the first time I saw it and I avoided the series and I never talked about the incident. I never questioned my sexuality after that either, as I had a crush on a girl at the time. This event happened before my HOCD kicked into high gear. My HOCD is telling me that since I got butterflies to that gay kissing scene, it means that I’m gay or bisexual in denial and I’m currently scared for my sexuality and my identity because of this.

Not really. I haven’t got the money to afford it so I’ve been doing self erp and mindfulness exercises. I’ve also been feeling pretty shaken up at the moment. I told this reddit user a couple days ago involving childhood experimentation involving intercourse which left me troubled and disturbed for years. I wanted to understand if what I had was HOCD or not. He deleted his account, made a new one, and now is trolling me with this private information on the HOCD subreddit.

@SOOCD I am so sorry that person has done that to you. That's really unfair. And I'm also sorry for the trauma you've experienced. I get how hard it can be to find treatment when you don't have the money. There may be payment plans on here and other places that may work with you. Its so important to bring a therapist into it so you can get the help you need. But it's awesome you've taken the initiative to do some treatment on your own. That's a great step!

Unfortunately people will choose to do the wrong thing, and not care about peoples feelings. We can't control what those toxic people do. I know it's hard when you open up to people and want help and they end up using it against you. Trust me, I understand the toll all types of ocd take. Its all consuming. Hard to work, go to school, have a social life. But just talking about it on here can be really helpful. Are you excited for college or is that putting more anxiety on you?

@Warrior44 Both. I just want to make new friends in college but this HOCD makes everything so much more stressful. I posted my emotional state just now on the forum

@SOOCD Are you having a better day today?

@Warrior44 Kinda. I was thinking about having a girlfriend and I had sweet feelings and I loved it. Plus I was hungry and I drove for the third time which could also explain the sweet feelings, but I was lip syncing a song and when the dude says “hips don’t lie” I saw a dudes hips and I freaked out but not as much and the sweet feeling was still there. It was horrible. By the way, what’s your name? I’m joo and I’m 19 years old

@SOOCD I'm glad that you were able to have a betterish day. Even though I know the thoughts are still there. I know it's scary. Have you not been able to drive lately? You said you were able to for the third time. My name is Ash! I'm 25. Nice to officially meet you :)

@Warrior44 I’ve been taking drivers Ed to get my license. I fucking hate these thoughts and shit and I want them to go away. Also nice to meet you too Ash! You’ve been so nice to me and I don’t know how to repay that

@SOOCD Oh gotcha! I hate the ocd thoughts too. Some days they are stronger than others. I always try to hold on for those small moments of hope and peace. I savor those moments. No problem, anytime! No need to repay that's what friends and support are for. :)

@Warrior44 My friends were literally talking about cars and I mistaked them asking about if I liked guys and I froze up and got anxious and shit. FML. It felt like I was going to say yes. Why the fuck does this HOCD do this to me man?!