This is going to be a long post. Having a rough morning. Woke up scared again, anxious about my work day (haven’t been to work in like 5 days) I’m Worried right now because my POCD thoughts have morphed into something new....HOCD. Specifically the harming of kids. I really started thinking about it yesterday as I was think about my POCD. I remember going back to my memories and remembering a couple of times when I saw a video of a mom abusing her kid/harming him. I got a groinal response and started feeling uncomfortable as if I was enjoying watching it. So last night i started thinking about that memory and some other one and thought to myself “ maybe you would enjoy harming/torturing children or your unborn child(am Currently pregnant) since then I have mostly thought about this new thoughts. It feels so real like I would want to commit those acts and enjoy committing them if I did. I don’t want to have these thoughts or I don’t think I would be questioning why I feel this way. Or hell who knows. My thinking is all over the place. So now at this moment I am Not overtly concerned about my POCD I am now concerned about this new thoughts. It’s to the point where instead of finding reasons why I wouldn’t enjoy them., I’ve thoughts of reason why I might. I don’t want to think this way or feel this. I feel like if I let this new thought really take over like I’m going to become this abuser and find a way to “indulge in it” if my urges or thoughts get stronger. I would like to add that while I did have those couple of memories where I watched a couple videos on FB , they did make me uncomfortable and cause me groinal response and almost like an attraction to them. I didn’t even finish watching the videos because I got uncomfortable and slightly scared. Also I’ve never hurt a child and never thought or fantasized about hurting a child. I have been around my friends kids and such and those thoughts never popped up when I was with them I never felt urges with them about harming them. After watching those videos I did think to myself “why did u feel that way?” But I didn’t question it too much. I guess now Looking back on as many memories as I can remember having to do with a child due to my POCD ...brought on these new thoughts. Also I don’t feel like I am As stressed about em. This all just feels so real to me These wants, urges. As before with my PCOD thoughts, I feel Slightly anxious, I have a restless leg and I have some worries and fears but now as Panicky or anxious as I would expect to feel. What the f**k is wrong with me. I feel like I have this darkness inside of me.