I can’t believe how one fucked up ERP session has fucking turn my whole world upside down smfh. It’s like what’s the point anymore? I just hate how my life has ended up now smfh. All these stupid thoughts that come up is fucking irritating. On top of that I got a bum shoulder so I can’t workout.

Cuz it was. The ERP session was a misguided ERP session by me which has fucked up my thoughts for women and I haven’t been the same ever since.

Also I get bored easily having to do the same workouts in a row cuz I’m limited by injuries. That’s just how I’ve always been.

@Issac11_fitforlife Ah, I see. Have you started with a specialist or do you have access to one? And it can’t be one session. You already had a predisposition towards OCD that might have emerged more intensely during a trigger, but it didn’t “cause” it. So, gotta let yourself off the hook there!

Is NOCD available to you?

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Other than a free session nope. I don’t have insurance or a job. My OCD has taken away my right to work. I had a job but I quit cuz I was still struggling with OCD and couldn’t get a real job. I’m tired of needing to settle for mediocre jobs all cuz of my HOCD and OCD and then never being fully me. It sucks. If I can’t get a good job because I’m still struggling to recognize I have OCD then having a stupid job is pointless to me. It just gets me more depressed. I’d rather feel depressed cuz I’m not doing something about it then to feel depressed doing something about it and my life still not changing.

@Issac11_fitforlife There were times in my life where I was debilitated considerably by OCD, up to and including not being able to work for a time. But, what I found is that it certainly made things worse to be unemployed on top of having a mental disorder. I don’t think the only jobs for someone with OCD are mediocre ones. My job isn’t, for example. I also understand it’s easier said than done. But it is possible. What books have you read about OCD?

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett The imp of the mind, daring to challenge OCD, and getting out of your mind and into your life. The imp of the mind was the very 1st book I read and helped me get over my hocd after 3 ERP sessions just after reading it. After beating it I still had this emptiness inside me. That’s where for as long as I could remember I started doing compulsions again. My first compulsion was to meet with 2 women therapists back to back on the same day. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. The women therapist I met with in the morning ended up being the therapist I’ve been seeing for the last 2 yrs. had I honestly just ended up seeing her and not going for my second intake later in the afternoon and just meditate I’d probably would’ve been back to normal but I didn’t do that and after meeting the second therapist that’s where all this confusion started to be around me between the therapists cuz each therapist I had seen either knew each other and had work together or knew of each other. It was one male and 2 female therapists that I have met to help me out. I was still unsure of which therapist to keep and had a follow up with the male therapist and he was able to tell on the phone call I was better but I still felt empty inside. I ended up choosing the female therapist after the phone call. So now after choosing my therapist my 3rd compulsion happened. I ended up looking at regular pictures of women on google for an hr cuz although the women therapists couldn’t see I had anxiety for women I kind of thought I still did. So after the 3rd compulsion of what I thought was ERP for me I went to bed and had the weirdest dream to where I woke up and my dick was erected and cumming from what my dream was. It was a sexual dream but I was unsure of the images though. I had stop after that with any pictures and met my chosen therapist a couple of days after that. When I met with my therapist she was wanting me to try to be myself but I’m like I didn’t know what she meant and I can only show what I can show. After my session was closing up I was visualizing the same thought I was able to visualize in my intake with her but with a new twist. As I started visualizing the same women I had before the image of the dream I had a couple days prior started to come up after the women I was visualizing and it gave me anxiety and my therapist interpreted as me having anxiety for the women and not the new image of the dream I had. Take it a day later and instead of going back to getting like 10-12 pictures of dudes again to do a real ERP session I took it a step further and just googled naked guys for my ERP and looked at those pictures for 60 minutes once in the morning and once at night and yes gay porn gifs were popping up in the images. The gifs didn’t give me anxiety cuz it just made me think about sex with women without even trying. Follow it up after the botched ERP session with me compulsing by thinking about a women who I had up until that point could always visualize having sex with and once I started to try to think about having sex with the women images of gay sex started to appear and that’s pretty much how I’m still on this app talking to you instead of being at work with a good job thinking about going to workout afterwards or going back home to a beautiful women banging her and then going to go workout afterwards. But hey I have no idea about what OCD is or what compulsions are or how to perform ERP or know exactly what stupid thoughts appear in my head cuz I’m the stupid one.. smh. That last sentence is how my therapist and psychiatrist make me feel after 2 yrs of therapy now. But that’s pretty much my story of why I’m still in this mess and not getting better.

@Issac11_fitforlife Sounds like you’ve been through quite a bit! But it also seems like you’re somewhat well-read on the subject, which is good! I know it’s not available to you at the moment, but perhaps working with a NOCD therapist once you can would be the best course of action going forward.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett If you want my honest opinion I doubted. My therapists who have heard my story is Lori Johnson and Matthew Myles out here in Denver, Co. both of them are respectable therapists of NOCD and they have said I need a higher level of care that they can’t provide so how can someone from NOCD be any better than these two?

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett Also Lori seems to think I’m dealing with a psychotic disorder but yet seems to forget that she’s done an erp session with me in public but no psychosis/delusions were present there nor were there any presence of this psychosis/delusions while seeing me in public two other times. Nothing I’ve said before up until now is any different. The only difference now is my understanding of OCD and the thoughts that pop up to where I have become angry and irritated with them because they seem to think cuz I have no degree in this field that I have no idea of what I’m talking about and they refuse to listen to me of what’s popping up in my head. I have no issues of a therapist proving to me that I’m wrong by putting up what I see in my head on a sheet a paper or white board to prove to me that the thoughts that I’m sure pops up in my head isn’t what is actually preventing me from living my life.

@Issac11_fitforlife It seems like you’ve been trying to take the right steps. I hope it turns around and that level of care you need becomes available!