It’s honestly just dawn on me that my fondest memories growing up all involved my dad and I. I just have bad memories of my mom and I as a kid. She would always say no to me and my dad would always say yes to me. My dad growing up bought me my first football, my first bat and glove, my first soccer ball and basketball, even my first hockey stick, even my first roller blades and bike. Yeah I was that kid growing up. No kid my age could keep up with me and I always hung out with kids who were older than me. It feels as if ever since my dad left me as a young adult I lost a piece of who I am. I feel like if I ever get the call that my dad passed away I’d breakdown and cry and to be honest if my mom dies I don’t think I would feel the same idk. I guess only time will tell what my reactions would be when that happens.

Early this morning, my mom and I had a really, really long discussion. We talked about a lot, but it eventually led to me. She said that because of her past relationships, which she feels like involved some sort of power struggle, sometimes if I hug her too often, she gets uncomfortable/anxious. For context, before my parents (mom or dad) go anywhere, I'll say goodbye, I love you, and give them a quick hug or two. Even if I'm just going upstairs or walking away from a conversation! I've done this since I was little. It might've been a compulsion back then, but it's just habit now. But a couple of months ago, when I was in a really dark place due to OCD, I'd give my mom really long hugs because I just wanted comfort during that point in time. Unfortunately, it ended up stressing my mom out, and she pushed me away once and said it was weird or uncomfortable when I hugged her because it didn't feel genuine. That really hurt to be rejected like that, and then later, my sister told me my mom complained about me in the car about how it felt like I was draining the energy from her and annoying. Which... That hurt, too. But I mainly felt guilt because that wasn't my intention at all, and I've since tried my best not to hug her as often. So when she brought it up again today, she said she feels like she's experiencing a power struggle with me and that when I was younger, she said she felt like everything had to be on my terms. The context behind that is due to me being a really anxious child (and baby). I'd wake her up because I'd get really bad anxiety at night and panic, and she said it was really exhausting and that she's never known what to do with me. Then she went on to tell me really private details about my father and hers marriage (they've been divorced since I was little), and how that's affected her, and I just felt really uncomfortable. Like I want to be respect her boundaries, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable, but... I don't know what to do with all of this...? I didn't need to know those details about her and my father, and I feel really disgusting inside. And also guilty because my dad doesn't know that I know any of these things now, and I'm overwhelmed. I talked to my dad and his girlfriend about it, and I just started crying. I just feel so... Ugh :( They both comforted me, and my dad said that my mom's always struggled with physical affection and that I shouldn't take it personally. But it hurts to be rejected by a parent like that. I've tried the best I can to be understanding and supportive with her, but it just felt like she's seen me as a burden or something unfixable. If you read this far, thank you so much. I'm just really struggling to process this. I felt better after talking with my dad, but once he went to bed and I went back to my room, I just broke down.

My parents, after 20 years together, are getting a divorce. I don’t really know how to process these emotions — I’m mad, I’m upset, and I feel hopeless. As much as I wish they would keep fighting for their relationship, it feels like they’ve just… given up. I know I’m older than most kids are when their parents split, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, it almost feels like it hurts more. Everything I’ve known for the past 18 years is changing. I won’t see my dad around the house the same way. They say they’re going to stay friends — and I hope they do — but I can’t help asking: if they can stay friends, then why can’t they just work it out? I don’t have all the answers. But the little girl inside of me is heartbroken… I don't know if I will get through this alone. I wish I had someone who is going through this or has gone through it from my age or older.

My mom passed Sunday and I didn’t cry when I got the news, I didn’t know how to react. Crazy, I haven’t cried until i started writing this. You see, I was her favorite child growing up I was attached to her hip. Through every rehab, every overdose, I was there. Guess what I’m getting to is the intrusive thoughts are saying I don’t care that she is dead. Also telling me she was a terrible mother. That I am a mess up as an adult because of her. I’m so angry but I miss her so much. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Weeks of trying to reach her and no one would tell me anything because I’m the “sick child”. Why do the intrusive thoughts get to do this? I can’t grieve properly with all this chatter.