Hey everyone, coming back on with the same issue of rumination about the relationship mistakes I made I at the beginning of my current relationship. I keep reminding myself that I was not myself during those months, that I was only 17, and ultimately am now completely different and would NEVER do those things again. And my boyfriend keeps telling me that I have changed and that I need to forgive myself, but does anyone else struggle with like flashbacks from their mistakes, like I keep having flashbacks of the horrible things I was doing and how I was hurting someone I loved without even acknowledging it. I am the type of person to dwell on each and every thing, but during those few months I have completely morphed into someone that genuinely is not me, maybe it was the result of the medication I was on or something else. I am struggling so bad I feel as though I’m no worthy of anyone’s love, because I keep getting flashbacks to those days where I was carrying out really horrible things to do in a relationship, but now I’m changed and my boyfriend and I want to get married but I cannot get those flashbacks out of my head and I keep thinking how badly I must’ve hurt my boyfriend if he knew about every single thing I did, I know that old me is NOT me so why can’t I forgive myself and stop having the flashbacks

Do you struggle with feeling the need to confess these things to your bf? I also have struggled with guilt and feeling bad about not telling partners everything. I have even gone out of the way to confess and it usually hurts them more than does any good. I had to see my ocd specialist over it even. I would ask my therapist, do I need to confess this to be free of guilt? They said no, what you are feeling guilty for is normal behavior that you have distorted. If you confess this, then something else will come up. If you truly cannot live with it, and feel confessing is the only way, then ask yourself if your actions need to be confessed and forgiven by some else, or if this is ocd distorting these actions you feel guilt around. I think this is what I would. Guilt, confessing, ROCD, all of it is extremely tricky, if you cannot find a way out, and believe that in your heart and mind, then speak with a therapist about it. Reassurance from a therapist at times has been the only way I could move on from a specific ocd ritual or scenario. Sadly my ocd begins to focus on something else usually as this is the nature of the beast. I’m sorry you are suffering.

Try reading up on self compassion as a means to face your ROCD. It seems like you need to forgive yourself and trust in yourself. Try thinking and ultimately living from your heart instead of your mind. We all make mistakes and your partner already knows about yours so there is nothing confess or feel guilt for. You are free to move on.

In terms of flashbacks what I’ve realized is that it’s wayyyyy better to just observe them in your mind and let them pass. Ruminating and trying to understand them in some kind of way doesn’t usually help much. A way better use of time would just be to tackle the inner critic.

Self Compassion

You will be alright don’t lose heart.